I’ve been suffering from depression for just over a year now. It’s gotten to a point where I’m seriously considering killing myself, and I have the means to do it right now. I want to do it but I don’t. It’s difficult to explain.
I’ll start from the beginning. I liked a girl. But I quickly realised that she doesn’t like me, and never will. Why was that? I came to the conclusion that I’m ugly, pathetic and unlovable. There’s literally nothing good about me, nothing that anyone could like.
And after that, it only got worse.
Friends? What friends? They probably hate me. In fact, everyone hates me. I’m just a burden on them. They don’t give a damn about me anyway. And why should they? I’ve not done anything for them.
All your dreams and aspirations in life? How far have you gotten with that? Nowhere. Because I’m lazy and pathetic. I’m a waste of resources
Family? They’d be better off without me. Even if they get sad, it would be for the greater good. They’ve given me so much and I’ve repayed them by being ungrateful and lazy. I’m a disappointment. Even if they don’t say it to my face I know that’s what they’re thinking.
Religion? I say that I’m religious, and I understand what I’m meant to be doing to follow my religion. But in reality I’m just a liar. I don’t do what I should be doing. I want to do it but I don’t, because I’m pathetic.
Do I act like a man should? No I don’t. I’m weak, I can’t hold a conversation for more than 5 seconds and I’m not remotely confident. And what have I done to change that? Nothing
I just sit here whining about what I want. But I never put in any effort to get those things.
Whenever I think about these things I become sad. So I scratch myself to feel better. I would cut, but someone might notice the scars and I don’t want to talk to anyone (that I know) about this.
I’ve figured out how to hang myself using a tie and a hook. I’ve been practicing the technique for the past few days, and I know the hook can support my weight. I can escape so easily, but I’m too scared of failing. I’d have to talk to my family and therapists about this if I survived. And I don’t want to go through that, because I wouldn’t be able to explain all of the things I’ve written here to them. If I had access to a more reliable method of suicide, like a gun, then I’d be gone already.
I want to die but I can’t. I’m too selfish. I want something to push me over the edge so that I just go for it. But that’s not happened. It might never happen. I might stay here until god decides to end my life, which might be a very long time.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Why don’t you try to change? Whenever I try to change, or do anything really, I fail. So whenever I fail, it’s just another reason for me to not try again. Why bother? It’s going to end the same way.
I feel worthless, useless and unwanted. I feel like a freak and a failure. I feel like the world would be better off without me. But I can’t end my life. And I can’t improve either, because I always fail.
I know what the solution is. Try harder. But in the end I know it won’t work. I’ll just fail again and again and again like I always do.
The way I see it, suicide is the best option. It benefits everyone in the long run. I won’t do it, but I really really want to.
(Also, notice how much I’ve used ‘I’ and ‘me’ in this post. Just goes to show how self centered I am. Another reason for me to hate myself)