I'm a useless freak but I'm too selfish to kill myself

[uvx]

I’ve been suffering from depression for just over a year now. It’s gotten to a point where I’m seriously considering killing myself, and I have the means to do it right now. I want to do it but I don’t. It’s difficult to explain.

I’ll start from the beginning. I liked a girl. But I quickly realised that she doesn’t like me, and never will. Why was that? I came to the conclusion that I’m ugly, pathetic and unlovable. There’s literally nothing good about me, nothing that anyone could like.
And after that, it only got worse.
Friends? What friends? They probably hate me. In fact, everyone hates me. I’m just a burden on them. They don’t give a damn about me anyway. And why should they? I’ve not done anything for them.
All your dreams and aspirations in life? How far have you gotten with that? Nowhere. Because I’m lazy and pathetic. I’m a waste of resources
Family? They’d be better off without me. Even if they get sad, it would be for the greater good. They’ve given me so much and I’ve repayed them by being ungrateful and lazy. I’m a disappointment. Even if they don’t say it to my face I know that’s what they’re thinking.
Religion? I say that I’m religious, and I understand what I’m meant to be doing to follow my religion. But in reality I’m just a liar. I don’t do what I should be doing. I want to do it but I don’t, because I’m pathetic.
Do I act like a man should? No I don’t. I’m weak, I can’t hold a conversation for more than 5 seconds and I’m not remotely confident. And what have I done to change that? Nothing
I just sit here whining about what I want. But I never put in any effort to get those things.
Whenever I think about these things I become sad. So I scratch myself to feel better. I would cut, but someone might notice the scars and I don’t want to talk to anyone (that I know) about this.
I’ve figured out how to hang myself using a tie and a hook. I’ve been practicing the technique for the past few days, and I know the hook can support my weight. I can escape so easily, but I’m too scared of failing. I’d have to talk to my family and therapists about this if I survived. And I don’t want to go through that, because I wouldn’t be able to explain all of the things I’ve written here to them. If I had access to a more reliable method of suicide, like a gun, then I’d be gone already.
I want to die but I can’t. I’m too selfish. I want something to push me over the edge so that I just go for it. But that’s not happened. It might never happen. I might stay here until god decides to end my life, which might be a very long time.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Why don’t you try to change? Whenever I try to change, or do anything really, I fail. So whenever I fail, it’s just another reason for me to not try again. Why bother? It’s going to end the same way.
I feel worthless, useless and unwanted. I feel like a freak and a failure. I feel like the world would be better off without me. But I can’t end my life. And I can’t improve either, because I always fail.
I know what the solution is. Try harder. But in the end I know it won’t work. I’ll just fail again and again and again like I always do.
The way I see it, suicide is the best option. It benefits everyone in the long run. I won’t do it, but I really really want to.
(Also, notice how much I’ve used ‘I’ and ‘me’ in this post. Just goes to show how self centered I am. Another reason for me to hate myself)

[Maisnow]

First welcome here.
Wow there have been so many thing that you have write here that I can understand the feeling because I had and sometimes I have those feeling about myself.

First of all you are worth of love and I am sad that you are having those thought about yourself. People in this world isnt perfect, no one is but that make us human.

Second, dont stop trying please, yeah I know the feeling that" why try again if I going to fail again ? " Well I can only say that all the times you try it even if you fail, you are learning and if you dont stop trying I can say for sure that one day you will see the change and that you got it. Changes arent easy at all.

And the last thing, try to think in another way, I know that isnt easy but if you try to think about life in a more positive way, maybe you will start seeing yoursef better,that you have people that love you and need you. That you are worth of happinest.

So please dont give up it will get better.

If you want to talk, you know that you have us here take care.

[Micro]

Hi @uvx,

Thank you for sharing, friend. You are absolutely not self centered because you’re talking about you. Please, try not to be so hard on yourself. The support wall is exactly here so we can talk about ourselves, about what’s going on in our life, and to try to support each other. And I want to think that you know that already, because you are here.

You did something very important by sharing all of this… and it sounds that it was really needed. All the things you said has to be heard, seen, understood. Sometimes the worst thing to do is to stay alone or isolate ourselves while we’re struggling. So, thank you for being here and allowing those who read you to understand a bit of what’s going on in your life.

I hear your pain. And I’m sorry you’ve been considering suicide as a valid option. I’d like to encourage you to talk about it to someone who makes you feel safe, or to a profesionnal if you didn’t already. It’s okay. You’re not weak because you’re struggling. I know there’s a lot of pressure in our societies to be okay all the time and to keep smiling no matter what. But you don’t have to blame yourself for the way you feel. You have the right to slow down and to take some breaths.

You made this list of what isn’t fulfilling/working right now but you conclude some very hurtful things about yourself. Obviously I’m just a random stranger to you, but I already know that what you say about yourself isn’t true. When I’m struggling, I too become an expert in believing the lies that are spiraling in my mind. But when we’re in pain we often think about the wrong conclusions, as we’re dealing with deep and painful emotions.

You said something really important at the begining of your message:

I’ve been suffering from depression for just over a year now.

That makes sense, friend. Depression can lead us to some very dark places. It’s hard to fight against the way it affects us, our mind. Having a chronic depression myself, I know that sometimes it’s really hard not to let ourselves drowned by all the negative thoughts, the ones that are constantly making us think that we’re not good enough. Somehow what you shared here isn’t you. You’re expressing your pain. And I hear what you say. But I can only want to push that back. Because you’re not pathetic, unlovable, a waste of oxygen or anything like that. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling like this. Sincerely. But there’s a huge difference between how you feel and what is real. I’ve seen some friends dear to my heart believing that kind of thing about themselves recently. And it breaks my heart, because when you’re outside of the situation, you can actually see that it’s about the amount of pain they’re feeling. But it’s not about who they are. It’s not about who you are either.

I’d like to ask you: how have you been dealing with your depression until now? Does your beloved ones know that you’re struggling? Are you on therapy?

There are some resources here on HS and I’d like to encourage you to take a look at it: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

You are loved.
You are cared for.
You have worth.
This is what reality is made of. This is who you are. A unique human being in this world.
You matter, regardless of what circumstances you are facing in your life.

So keep fighting against those lies you’re telling about yourself. You don’t need to add this extra-pain in your heart. You only deserve to treat yourself with compassion and to feel better. It won’t happen in a day, of course. But I believe in you and your capacity to overcome this. I’m rooting for you.

Sending love your way.