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I'm a worthless parasite


#1

I want to be better. I’ve been trying to be better. I try not to be so angry at everything but I just can’t. As much as I try, everything makes me angry and I end up taking it out on the wrong people and hurting them.
Soon after all of the anger it just turns into self loathing and I feel inferior to every other mass of matter on the planet. I know I am, too. I would love to be a happy person, but if I acted happy it would just be a mask. And I would rather show my true emotions than just put on a mask every time someone asks me how I am, as rare as it is.
I just want to be better for the people that somehow put up with me. I need professional help but I refuse to see a therapist, not that my family can afford it. I mentioned earlier that I would rather show my true emotions. And I meant it. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to make my friends unhappy.

Somebody please help me be a better person.

#2

@Amcgr434 ,
hi there, i know how challenging it can be to be okay around stuff that usually causes you to be angry . instead your angry around everything. Do you know what causes it? I know you don’t mean to lash out on people but sometimes its the best to do some breathing exercises or even taking a walk to calm down before speak. As an 19 year old, i used to have issues with anger myself. i used to get into fights with my family members and it was because they were getting on my nerves but also i used to go to 0-100 in seconds when stuff wasn’t going right at my house. But I’ve learned to step away and do something else. You say you want to get better, you want to be a better person but you’ve mentioned you want professional help but wont ask your mother to get/take you to see a therapist… I think seeing a therapist is a good choice for you to help you get better. i don’t know what exactly your current situation is but we at heart support want you to see you get better and we will be there to be your light in the hallway to guide you through the scary parts of life and help you get/ask for the help you deserve.
hold fast
-Ashley


#3

To answer your question of,“Do you know what causes it”, everything. Anything. Every little thing I don’t like or even if someone else mentions they’re angry it just makes me the same. I try to brush everything off but that only lasts a few seconds, and if they keep going it makes me think of things that make it worse. Even if I ask them to stop, and they stop I can’t stop thinking about it, even after I say I forgive them. Any little thing is a pressure plate on a landmine and those things that make me angry are a big foot on a careless jogger. Sometimes things make me sad, then angry then my kind of depressed:a mixture of rage and sorrow. I’m trapped on myself. I wish I could be a beam of happiness for my friends and family, and especially my girlfriend who I have no idea how she loves me. I want to make her happy but I can’t fully do that if I’m not happy.


#4

Find the Cause of the problem, Try to look for yourself inside, I know what I say may not be as professional, but let yourself be yourself, trying to look for yourself, what causes that Anger, like I said its not going to be that professional, but don’t give in to what you want to cause, give in to what you want to make better, never give up, never let go of yourself, I don’t want to tell you want to do, I’m only giving some Advice on this situation, Hope it really helps you, Don’t let anyone stop you from showing your true self, hiding in a mask will only make it worse, so be you, stay strong. - J


#5

Hey @Amcgr434, I’m sorry that you see yourself in this light, and I can understand how it feels because I often feel the same way about myself. I often feel like what I do does not matter and I am worthless, which is not true because I am here and living and that matters; same goes for you, you are here and you are living so you have worth. The ones who care about you, including everyone here at Heart Support, know this and we don’t want you to leave without letting you know that you matter.

Of course you want to show your true emotions, everyone who feels these feels wants to open up about how they are truly feeling and release that from themselves. If someone asks you to open up to them, I would encourage to take them up on their offer. If they care about you, they will validate your feelings and will not judge you for them. Allowing yourself to stew in these feelings is not healthy, and if you’re like me you are often hesitant to open up to those around because you feel like you don’t want to bother them with your problems.

I’m going to offer a tiny bit of tough love here; you state “I need professional help but I refuse to see a therapist”. You’ve already put yourself into a box in terms of your ability to heal; the majority of us users here on the support wall aren’t mental health professionals, but mainly here to do our best to offer encouragement and support. I am a little confused by “not that my family can afford it.” Can they or can’t they? If this is an option that is available to you, I would encourage you to do so because as I said it’s not healthy for you to allow yourself to continue feeling these feelings about yourself.

“Somebody please help me be a better person.” Thank you for asking for help! You don’t have to take this on alone.


#6

I don’t want to feel better. I want to prevent my Friends from being unhappy. That’s one of the reasons I refuse to see s therapist. Also, my parents don’t know how I really feel. Neither do my friends. Nobody does but me. And that’s how I need it to stay. But I want to be so much more help to my friends. Some of my friends have jobs and are always busy. So I text them over and over again to try to get them to respond even though I know I should leave them alone so they can have a good future. But I can’t bring myself to fully stop.


#7

@Amcgr434 how can you expect to help your friends be happy if you yourself are not happy? There is nothing helpful or hopeful in abusing or neglecting your own self and your happiness. This is not how you need to stay. If your friends and loved ones truly care about you, they would not want you to miserable and alone for their sake, that is the definition of selfishness and a toxic one-sided relationship.

Again, without knowing any more about your life I still encourage you to take step towards finding more worth and love for yourself. I experience these periods as well, where I feel that everyone is too busy to make time to even check in on me; I’ve been trying to give them space to let them live their lives and to find healthy and enjoyable ways to spend time by myself or to meet other people. Try to find new hobbies, do something for yourself that you enjoy. On the topic of going to see a therapist, that was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself; I started attending a group class where I was able to open up about my feelings without being judged.

You matter too, and to say that you don’t is a lie. Hold fast.