I’ve written this for about 5 times, but each time I end up deleting it because I get scared from posting this.
I have been struggling with depression for about 12 years. I’ve had years/months in which it was less there but never have I been happy in that time, I kinda live in a state of ‘whatever’ and ‘sure’. I just do whatever anyone wants me to do, for me that’s a safe thing to not get anyone angry/upset. I’ve been getting ‘help’ for about 6 years, but I am not able to tell them how I feel because I’m scared. I’ve tried telling them how I felt, but every time I am about to, I just end up shutting down, telling them I’m just tired. I had someone a while ago with who I could share my problems/stories with but that person like everyone I trust, left. For about the last 2 months right now it’s been getting harder and harder to keep doing my daily things, even in the state ‘whatever’, I’m getting tired of being ‘happy’ all the time, I feel like I’m about to explode. I have a job, and a study which I like, but at the same time, I can’t stand doing either one of them. Everyday when I get home from school/work I am just so tired, I mostly go straight to bed, just to wake up the next day and do the same. Days I don’t have to go there I just end up laying in bed, not doing anything, wishing I wouldn’t have woken up. And anytime someone gets to me, I act ‘normal’ like nothing is wrong, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing that, the thoughts in my head have been getting darker by the day. I really feel like i’m about to just give up on everything
Hey dude please don’t give up. There is so much more in store. I know it probably doesn’t feel like that. But i promise its true. The thoughts in your head telling you to give up are all lie, please don’t listen to them.
One thing that helps is being grateful. Keep an eye out for the blessings and goodness around even though it seems dark. That and try doing something new! Maybe go see a local music show, take a interesting class, learn to do some arts or crafts stuff, etc.
And be afraid to reach out. Fear stops us from getting better, but you have the power within you to not let it control you. Trust me, the people who truly love and care for you will never hurt you the more or look at you differently.
One thing that has helped me is praying for God to just do something new in my life. Letting Him take control. It’s not always easy, nor fun all the time, but it’s worth it and He has some pretty good adventures planned! That’s where i found true fulfillment.
Things will get better, really try seeking out the goodness around you. It’s there, i promise <3
praying for you!
"forgive the things you hate in yourself, so that you might be grace to someone else."
We Drag the Dead on Leashes by Being as an Ocean
i just want to say giving up is NOT an answer . it may be a solution but that solution isnt right . you have so many people here and in the community that love and appreciate you for posting. something like this is hard i know . i felt like giving up back in may where i wanted to die , and im still here living .
let me just say this you woke up because you have a purpose in your life god created you for a reason.
remember to hold fast and you’re worth it!
First off, thank you for sharing your experiences here Alexander. I know it can sometimes be hard to believe but none of us is ever truly alone. I would suggest you find that inner strength and tell the help you’ve been seeing about how you truly feel. Stay strong and don’t give up, I know you got this friend! <3
You need to express yourself. Nobody can live in the state of “whatever” or “sure” for long. You either accept yourself and how you are & feel or you end up in the dire state of “desperate” and “despair”. This is hard to express yourself when you desire people to like you and accept who you are.
Problem is when you put everyone else as priority over yourself. You end up not being yourself. Most likely you end up not even liking yourself as is especially when you’re depressed.
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others at least once. Just put some thought in how you be honest because being brutally honest will either cause your feelings to pour out uncontrollably or the people you’re communicating with would feel like they’re being attacked and will enter defensive mode. (You don’t want this because being brutally honest means drama.)
I hope the help you are getting is professional. The one place you can actually hash things out and it be professional is with professional help. (If your professional help changes their attitude towards you were you shutdown then they’re not doing their job correctly) Any professional should be there to focus on you and to take you into account while pushing aside their agendas, personal perspectives.
If you feel you can’t among your help than you need to find a professional you feel that you can.
Being depressed sucks and it may leviate your stress if you can accept yourself and be honest especially around others to a certain extent.
I hope only good things towards you.
Hey @Alexander, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a really rough time right now. Remember that you’re loved and we want to see you beat this! Whenever I’m feeling defeated, I almost always turn to motivational videos to help pick me back up. My favorite YouTube channel is called “Absolute Motivation” - check them out!
I feel like i have been in your same spot more times than I can count. You are self aware enough to see what is going on around you. But you are in control here. You have the ability to make change. You can do this.