From cypixelz: I’m a homeschooled 15M. Over a year ago I defeated depression (which is why I joined this wonderful community in the first place), but the past ~2-3 months I’ve just felt sort of off. Not necessarily depressed, but just kind of dark and maybe distant sometimes. Particularly in the last 2 weeks I’ve felt just plain alone, something I dealt with last fall. One of the sacrifices with being homeschooled is not having many friends, and after moving over a year ago, I had not only lost my best friends by betrayal, but also the only home I had ever known. It was a lot of work, which might sounds ridiculous for 15, and I came to peace a few months after moving in to where I am now.
The problem is I feel like I should be happy with where I am, mentally and physically: having overcome depression, moving 3 times in one year and finally settling 10 months ago, working out and seeing significant progress, succeeding in school. But I’m angry and scared because I am alone and have been pretty much alone for over 2 years. Last night I decided it was time to make change, work on myself during summer break. Detaching from addiction and embracing healthier habits. It’s weird that I’m so alone, in a way, because I have several good online friends. But I guess it’s just not the same.
Like I said, I dealt with this feeling of loneliness last fall. Luckily I became even closer with one of my online friends, who helped me through that. But the feeling of unfulfillment came back ~2 weeks ago stronger than ever. As I guess you would expect from a 15 year old boy, I so badly want a gf. Frustration with this has progressively built up more and more. I look at social media (I know, my mistake), and I think “where is She?” another example is I was watching Supernatural last night (iykyk) and there was a scene that showed a younger Sam and a girl (again I know to ignore movies & TV but I’m only human) and I was sitting there thinking “why can’t that be me”
Ran out of space; will be posting more
From cypixelz: Anyway, as I’ve been working on myself physically (though pretty insecure about my acne which I have struggled to clean up) I just have no opportunities to meet new people, regardless of gender or attraction. I’m starting boxing at my local YMCA as a way to be out of the house and give me an opportunity, which can be very challenging to find as a homeschooler. I plan to build up confidence and try cold approaching or something (still have yet to decide).
That dark place I’ve been in for the past few months hasn’t been great, with some suicidal-esque thoughts, something I dealt with when I originally had my depressive stage. But I haven’t been worried about it because it feels as if I find “her” my problems will go away, which is ridiculous, but that’s just how I feel.
The “Afraid” is because of this: I’m scared of
1, being alone forever, “never finding ‘her’”
Hey friend
I know you posted this a while back, and I wanted to step in and check to see if you were ok.
I totally empathize with the feelings you described here. I wasn’t homeschooled for long when I was younger, but I struggled still with a lot of loneliness. In your post you mention having “defeated depression” over a year ago but as of the last few weeks, struggling with a sort of distance and loneliness. You mention feeling like you should be happy with your life but feeling like there is a sort of unfulfillment under the surface. You’re working out, working on yourself and working on healthier habits. But the biggest hangup is not having a relationship.
You also mentioned that if you had a partner, the depression or loneliness or struggle would just end.
It sounds tough my friend. And Im sorry. I really am. I imagine it feels really difficult to have such an emptiness in your chest. I can image feeling frustration or even confusion because when you look around, you’re generally fortunate. So why do things feel this way? And being so young, I can imagine just how confusing it all is.
I can sort of identify with a lot of this.
When I was younger, I sought relationships a lot. It felt like most of my highschool existence was looking for a girlfriend, going through a breakup and looking for a girlfriend. I went through such intense bouts of loneliness, that, when I did find a girlfriend eventually went away. And things were great.
For a bit.
The problem for me was, it was never a persons job to save me. So when I did get into a relationship that person became “my reason” for being happy. Which meant that if I thought they were losing interest or something like that, i got jealous. Terrified. Because it meant that the source of my happiness, “the cure” was going away.
Now, of course we were just kids. But that continued into my 20’s. My mid 20’s. I continued to look for solutions to my loneliness in other people. And it continued to cause me grief, and put too much pressure on others.
I understand the conflict between how you feel and the logic. And far be it for me to tell you how to live or what the right route is to take. You’re young. And being homeschooled can be hard.
All I’ll say is that in my time on this earth, and even being married now, the depression or symptoms or loneliness never went away permenantly because of a person. Life has had its ups and downs. Symptoms get better and get worse. The high of a relationship eventually wane and things return to a sense of normal. And then you have to find a sense of equilibrium again.
I have faith in you. One step at a time.
Deep breaths. Hold fast.