I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years. Probably since middle school. I never had many friends or anything, but, it was never this bad. I’m currently in 12th grade and since day 1 of school this year, I have been completely and utterly miserable.
First of all, whoever came up with the lie that senior year is some relaxing, fun, joyride, peak of your life is a dick. Because, well, this was a total lie. I am working harder than I ever have in my life and I have so much work constantly. It doesn’t help that the high school I go to has always been big into sports, not so big into stopping bullying…or making any logical decisions to protect their students. I’ve always been miserable in school, but its gotten really really bad this year.
In addition, over the past year, I’ve lost basically every friend I had. 2 friends found other friends and left me in the dust, one friend got into an argument with me and stopped talking to me, and a few other instances. At the same time as this, my grandmother, one of the few people I feel genuinely loves me, has been fighting for her life and suffering. On top of that, because of this, my family has split right down the middle, and half my family doesn’t even talk to the other half and they all hate each other. No more family holidays, no more love, just hate.
That’s my main problem. I desperately, desperately need love in my life and I just don’t have it. My parents are kind of insane, there’s plenty of stories, but, their love is pretty damned conditional, and they both have very hot tempers and never listen to my side of any disagreement. With family love basically out of the picture, and my friends basically all abandoning me, the only hope I’ve had is to find a girlfriend, someone to truly love me. And so far, I’ve had 6 total crushes in my life and that has led to 4 rejections and 2 that I didn’t even ask out because I found out they were taken before even asking. One of these rejections really stung, because, I really fell in love with the girl. She was perfect for me in so many ways, and, well, she had a boyfriend already. It crushed my soul and it still hurts a bit to this day.
My loneliness has steadily been getting worse since the beginning of 2022. Leading up to and at my junior prom, that I was forced to go to by my parents, I seriously considered ending my life. Honestly, the only reason I didn’t was because the place prom was at was not where I expected it to be, and my plan didn’t work in that area. Now, in December 2022, with so many other aspects of my life falling apart, the only hope I have of some improvement is college approaching in around 8 months, but, I don’t know if I can last this long. I feel so absolutely alone, broken, and I don’t think I can make it. I need someone to love me. Hell, I need someone to love. I have a very weak heart, I know this, and it just desperately wants to be in a loving relationship, and for whatever reason, this has been a complete impossibility for me. I feel like I’ll never find that special girl, which, finding a girlfriend and eventually wife is the most important thing to me in life and its my top goal. I know a high school relationship most likely would never turn into this, but, its just the feeling that the cycle of rejection will continue into the rest of my life and I’ll never find love.
The reason my username on here is JediSurvivor is pretty simple. For the past, I don’t even know how much time, I’ve been just barely keeping myself alive with stupid things like whatever video game is coming soon that I’m excited for, or some TV show, or something. Jedi Survivor is the current one right now. The problem is, living like this isn’t working anymore. I’m at the point where I am so desperate for some love, and, I’m losing hope rapidly for this ever happening.
Thank you for reading