I'm Alone, Broken, and Losing Hope

I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years. Probably since middle school. I never had many friends or anything, but, it was never this bad. I’m currently in 12th grade and since day 1 of school this year, I have been completely and utterly miserable.

First of all, whoever came up with the lie that senior year is some relaxing, fun, joyride, peak of your life is a dick. Because, well, this was a total lie. I am working harder than I ever have in my life and I have so much work constantly. It doesn’t help that the high school I go to has always been big into sports, not so big into stopping bullying…or making any logical decisions to protect their students. I’ve always been miserable in school, but its gotten really really bad this year.

In addition, over the past year, I’ve lost basically every friend I had. 2 friends found other friends and left me in the dust, one friend got into an argument with me and stopped talking to me, and a few other instances. At the same time as this, my grandmother, one of the few people I feel genuinely loves me, has been fighting for her life and suffering. On top of that, because of this, my family has split right down the middle, and half my family doesn’t even talk to the other half and they all hate each other. No more family holidays, no more love, just hate.

That’s my main problem. I desperately, desperately need love in my life and I just don’t have it. My parents are kind of insane, there’s plenty of stories, but, their love is pretty damned conditional, and they both have very hot tempers and never listen to my side of any disagreement. With family love basically out of the picture, and my friends basically all abandoning me, the only hope I’ve had is to find a girlfriend, someone to truly love me. And so far, I’ve had 6 total crushes in my life and that has led to 4 rejections and 2 that I didn’t even ask out because I found out they were taken before even asking. One of these rejections really stung, because, I really fell in love with the girl. She was perfect for me in so many ways, and, well, she had a boyfriend already. It crushed my soul and it still hurts a bit to this day.

My loneliness has steadily been getting worse since the beginning of 2022. Leading up to and at my junior prom, that I was forced to go to by my parents, I seriously considered ending my life. Honestly, the only reason I didn’t was because the place prom was at was not where I expected it to be, and my plan didn’t work in that area. Now, in December 2022, with so many other aspects of my life falling apart, the only hope I have of some improvement is college approaching in around 8 months, but, I don’t know if I can last this long. I feel so absolutely alone, broken, and I don’t think I can make it. I need someone to love me. Hell, I need someone to love. I have a very weak heart, I know this, and it just desperately wants to be in a loving relationship, and for whatever reason, this has been a complete impossibility for me. I feel like I’ll never find that special girl, which, finding a girlfriend and eventually wife is the most important thing to me in life and its my top goal. I know a high school relationship most likely would never turn into this, but, its just the feeling that the cycle of rejection will continue into the rest of my life and I’ll never find love.

The reason my username on here is JediSurvivor is pretty simple. For the past, I don’t even know how much time, I’ve been just barely keeping myself alive with stupid things like whatever video game is coming soon that I’m excited for, or some TV show, or something. Jedi Survivor is the current one right now. The problem is, living like this isn’t working anymore. I’m at the point where I am so desperate for some love, and, I’m losing hope rapidly for this ever happening.

Thank you for reading

JediSurvivor

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thank you for sharing your heart. I really do understand how you are feeling and where you are at. My daughter has just finished her senior year. You are so right. Senior year is nothing like people say it is. It is the hardest year with the most work and most pressure. But you can do this. You just need to dig deep inside and find the courage daily. My daughter also has depression and anxiety, so I know right now it feels so overwhelming, but you have got this. You have the ability inside you to overcome anything. Take one day at a time, one assignment at a time, one situation at a time. You mention bullying. I hope you are not being bullied? If so please find a way to get someone to help you.

My daughter too had no friends as she moved to the new school, was there for a month, then Covid hit, then it was back home and online schooling for a year and then back to school not knowing anyone. So I know your heart is hurting and I am very sorry for that. Its very hard to be alone and to have no friends. My daughter would often call me during her breaks to chat cause she was so lonely. She would also sit alone in the library. I once came to “drop something off” at the school office and she sat in my car and we had break together. I’m sure there are many others in school feeling lonely too and I really hope somehow you come across each other.

I’m so sorry that your friends have hurt you so much. I want to encourage you that it’s still possible to make new friends. My daughter eventually made new friends. It was a tough road but she persevered and it came right. I know it’s hard, but always look up, there is new hope for everyday.

My daughter’s heart too longed for love and a boyfriend and she met one halfway through senior year. So do take heart. Sometimes we meet our special person in a way we least expected it. My daughter met her special person at gym.

Keep holding onto life. Your life is of such great value. I know it’s hard, but try allow these difficult situations and challenges that you are facing make you into a stronger person. I know the school work load is heavy but try set aside time for you where you can reset and breathe. Find something healthy that will distract your mind from the current pressures. What makes you feel better and lift your spirits? Is it listening to music, or writing a poem, maybe it’s going for a good run, or drawing or watching the sunset? Keep searching until you have found it and hold onto it.

I hope you get enough rest at night and hope that you make time to eat and take care of yourself. These simple things can make a huge difference.

You are needed in this world. Your life is precious and you have been gifted with qualities that only you can make this world brighter with. Please hold onto life. You can do this. You can get through this tough year. In eight months when it’s time for college you will look back and see how far you have come, and all that you have conquered. Be proud of yourself. You’re still here, you’re still standing and you can get through this. Please always remember to be kind to yourself.

I hope somehow you feel a little better and more encouraged. Stay strong, stand tall, you have got this Senior year.

Much love and hugs.

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I’m sorry that you have lost connection with your friends. Friendships come and go, and in a few months you will be around an entirely different group of people. You can practically count the days that are remaining in your senior year. As far as I can tell, high school friendships fade away more often than not. Have you noticed that there are others around you who also appear lonely? If you are an introvert like me, you might want to feel connection, but at the same time hesitate to reach out to others.

As you get older, there’s a very good chance that you will have far more meaningful and rewarding friendships. One way to make connections in college is to look for a club or study group. Sometimes instructors will require students to form groups for projects.

It’s really sad that your family has become so dysfunctional. Maybe things will settle down for them eventually. Do what you need to do in order to avoid being dragged into their negativity.

I don’t know if it helps, but in this forum, you are among loving friends, so please feel free to stay in touch and let us know how things are going.

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It’s not bullying in the traditional sense. I just get harassed by random people constantly. It’s hard to explain. I can defend myself, I’ve been in taekwondo for 12 years now, and it’s the only time I’m ever really happy anymore. And the roughly 6 hours a week I spend there just isn’t enough compared to the entire rest of every day that I’m miserable. But, it’s just, for some reason, random people are drawn to harass me. I feel like I’m just a magnet for bullshit.

I can’t find anyone to talk to. In middle school, some kid spread tons and tons of rumors about me. Most of them total bullshit. And yet, to this day, most people still won’t even talk to me because of the perception of me this asshole created. In almost every class, I sit alone and talk to nobody. Because anyone I try to talk to is normally very cold to me.

And yeah, it’s real shitty losing almost all my friends. But I can’t change them. And I’m just stuck. Like most things in my life.

I am really desperate for love. Which, is already not great, because being desperate is bad. But, I am. I just want to meet some special girl and fall for each other, it’s the most important thing to me, and the more I get rejected the more I feel like that’s always how it will go. My hope is all but crushed. I mean, I cry almost every night because of how lonely I am in this way especially. I’ve been constantly teased by my “friends” about this, to the point where they said I’m most likely to die alone. It doesn’t feel good. At all. I don’t even give a shit about them, I’m just upset because at this rate, they’re probably right. And, honestly, if my life keeps going this way and I really never find anyone, I have no reason to keep living.

I have horrible sleep. I cry almost every night, and I wake up multiple times per night, either stressed out, depressed, lonely, or all of the above.

I don’t feel needed. Because I’m not. It’s just the truth. There’s nobody who “needs” me. There’s a few people that might be sad if I just disappeared, but, there’s nobody who needs me. Hell, if I committed suicide, honestly, my school would just cover it up and not give a shit. Wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done this exact thing. Wouldn’t be the last either.

I appreciate you responding. My weak heart is just completely shattered and I really don’t know how I’m surviving the next 8 months when I feel entirely alone and unloved

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That’s the fucked up thing. The people around me have found a new friend group, one that I’m not welcome in because they’re all friends with a kid who bullied me mercilessly in junior high. And he’s still the same prick, but yet, most of my friends have abandoned me for this group.

The problem is, I don’t think I have it in me to survive the next 8 months to even get there. Im so desperate for love in my life, I physically cannot live another 8 full months without anything changing. I need someone. I’ve gone so long alone, but, I’ve hit a breaking point. I physically cannot handle it any longer. Im too lonely to want to live.

My family won’t ever get fixed. The things they said to each other, they’re fucked up beyond belief to say to anyone, nevermind your family. There’s no repairing them. And because of all this drama, and some other reasons, my parents are always on edge, and I’m usually the victim of their anger.

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Don’t worry about eight months. Survive for another hour, or another day.

Based on what you are saying about your “friends”, they are shallow, and are sucking up to those who they believe will improve their social status. Real friends would not turn their back on you in such a way. Now that you are rid of such insincere friendships, there is space in your life for more authentic ones to develop.

With that said, it also sounds like you are in crisis. Talk to your doctor or school counselor, or maybe both, and explain your state of mind, and critical need for some kind of change/help.

It is possible, and there is a lot to be said for being a friend to yourself. You may have noticed, those in your school who attract the most followers are the ones who seem most self-sufficient. You can become like that when you become comfortable with and enjoy your own company.

When I was a kid, I was fat and dumpy. I wore ridiculous hand-me-down clothes, shoes with holes in the soles, and more often than not, the stuff I wore was dirty. My parents put me in the schools where the other kids were very well dressed, so I stood out like a ridiculous clown. In addition, I was very “reactive.” In other words, when I was made fun of, I would go into meltdown. Long story short, I became a loner. I guess I still am.

I dropped out of school when I was 15, lied to a car dealership about my age, telling them I was 18, and started working full-time. My life got a lot better, but I really didn’t interact with anyone except my coworkers. Once I was off work, I remained alone. I did end up getting a dog and a cat. For the next three years, my social life consisted of the dog, cat, and a little old land lady who took a liking to me and brought me food on a pretty regular basis.

Then I moved to a different part of the state, and got a janitorial job at a high school. I really looked to be the same age as the students. I remained introverted, but was polite and minded my own business. Amazingly, a bunch of students decided they enjoyed being around me. Without even trying, I ended up near the top of the social ladder.

Of course I was no longer fat and dumpy, and I wore decent clothes - the teenage uniform of jeans and T-shirt. Once in a while, I would ask someone why they liked me. Their answer generally related to the fact that I was quiet, seemingly confident, accepting of others, and a good listener.

I never felt desperate for friendship because I was thoroughly used to being alone.

That’s when I figured out that a lot of people are attracted to a person who is decent, fairly self-sufficient, and a good listener.

With that said, even when being well thought of within a group, I don’t think I’ve ever had more than three close friends at a time. Currently, I only have two. As far as I’m concerned, that’s plenty.

You might want to think about volunteering for something. That’s a great way to rub shoulders with decent and selfless people. You might be surprised at how rewarding it is. If there is a nursing home nearby, talk to the activity director or social worker, and they can tell you what you might be able to do to help the residents feel less alone, while also feeling that someone cares about them.

Don’t lose hope! You can be a source of hope.

No, I absolutely am worried about 8 months. Because how I feel now, I don’t want to live like this for another minute, nevermind 8 full fucking months. And it’s not gonna change. Hasn’t changed in the over a year it’s been this bad, not going to change now all of a sudden. And it was bad before, but it got really bad in October 2021 and it’s just been steadily getting worse and worse ever since.

Yeah, my friends suck, honestly, but I won’t make new ones. Nobody wants to be friends with the quiet, depressed kid in my school. Nobody. I’ve tried making friends and people are just either really cold to me or a straight up douche to me without even knowing me.

I’m in therapy but my parents constantly fuck with my appointments. I was supposed to have one yesterday, but, my parents changed the time without telling me and I missed it. This has happened several times now, which is just real nice of my parents. I’m also sick right now, and my mother just said that it was my fault I’m sick, while I was coughing and just feeling shit. Now that’s obviously the last thing I wanted to hear, so I told her to shut up, and she slapped me. Nice

School consular is fucking useless. A kid in my school told them they were going to kill themselves that day, the consular did nothing, and the kid died that day. And my shithole school just brushed it under the rug.

I hate myself. There’s nothing to like about me. I’m ugly, I have acne all over my face, I’m depressed, I have very high anxiety. Yeah, really great. And I wonder why I’ve been rejected so many times and why I’ll never find love. I physically cannot operate on my own anymore. I desperately need someone there for me. I need someone that loves me. I need a reason to live. And I have none of these things. And I have good reason to believe I never will. I’m so lonely, I want a girlfriend so badly but that’s never going to fucking happen. I don’t think this is going to get better. Any of it. I feel like I’m just going to keep suffering and living in misery, and what’s the point of that?

I think I have a few weeks of this left in me, if even that. And guess what? I’m not gonna magically make friends in a few weeks, or find a girl who actually likes me, and my parents aren’t going to magically change, so, I don’t know. I don’t know why the fuck I’m still living.

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply. You made it through another day, I’m really proud of you.

I know it’s hard. My son cried everyday, similar situations to you with friends, school and the desire to share life with someone.

I don’t think you are a magnet for bullying or bullshit. Sometimes people are just mean for the sake of being mean because they are insecure about themselves and the only way they feel better is to put people down. Remember to be kind to yourself in these hard times.

Would it help if you would just think about getting though one day. Cause now 8 months sounds overwhelming. If you can try to just get through one day at a time it might make it a little more bearable? So only think about getting through the current day.

I see that although you are taking strain you still have a strength inside of you and that is a good thing, a beautiful thing. You can get through this. You are brave, strong and very capable.

Look at it as a chapter in your journey. It’s not an easy chapter , but when it’s done you can turn the page and start a new chapter even stronger that you were before.

Can you write this somewhere you can read everyday ‘this too shall pass’. Because storms eventually stop. The clouds clear, the sun shines and the birds sing. Out of the darkness you will rise. You are a warrior. I know you can do this as I have watched all three of my children get through very similar situations and heartaches to you.

Here’s to you getting through tomorrow. You have got this. Sleep well.

Much love and hugs

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Thank you for responding. Its hard to be kind to myself. It really is. I try to get through one day at a time but sometimes the weight of what’s ahead just gets me really down. Its just so much time to be dealing with all of this. I’m trying my best to keep going but it gets harder and harder to every day. I just want to be loved. That’s all I want. It would make me so much happier. But, finding someone has been nothing but failure. And its really hard to accept that, because, I mean, I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship, but, this past year especially I have been desperate to find someone to love and its just been failure after failure. I just want all of this to be over and I want my life to be a little happier, but I see nothing improving and that scares me.

I can try doing that. I don’t know if it will help, but I will try. Thank you again for responding. I really hope one day I find this special someone and my life is just better overall.

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for the reply. If the weight of what is ahead gets you down then try not think of it for now until you are able to manage it. Think only of today. Find something good about each day. At least one thing. Write it down, every day. Even if it’s one line a day. Will you try that ? Just one thing you’re great full to have experienced. No matter how small you may think it is. It could be the way someone smiled at you that lifted your spirits. Or maybe the warmth of the sun. Or how good the coffee tasted. Or how you enjoyed your favourite song. Or how you managed to perfect a move in your Taekwondo that you have been trying to get right. I know you can do this and get through this cause doing Taekwondo requires a strong mind, it requires focus and discipline and perseverance. You are actually way stronger than you believe and way stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Speaking of strength have you ever thought of competing in Taekwondo?

About your desire to be in a relationship. Totally get it. You should feel proud of who you are. Proud that you believe you have the capability of being in a relationship where you will treat your person well and be committed to them. Some guys don’t take relationship’s seriously. Some don’t take faithfulness and commitment seriously. And look at you with these qualities. It’s great and be proud of who you are. I know you said you are desperate but sometimes desperation can cause us to make wrong decisions. So we need to get you out of feeling desperate. You need to change your perspective. You need to accept that yes although you are alone now, it’s definitely not forever or permanent. Remember when the time is right one day out of the blue you and your person will bump into each other. I know it’s hard to be alone especially when all your heart wants to give is love. But somehow you need to be ok with it, because it temporary. It’s not forever. It’s only for now. Rather you wait for your right person than be involved with the wrong one and get hurt even more. Use this time to be ok with everything. Again be kind to yourself. Step back and think what advice would you give to yourself if the future you could see you now. I’m sure it would be words of encouragement. My son like I said cried so much, longed for love. Now look at him. Love found him so unexpected and it’s beautiful, same with my daughter. Rather wait for the right one who will hug you and mend your heart, than have the wrong person who takes your heart and crushes it even further.

You mentioned failure. But sometimes remember failure is good. You can’t have progress and success without failure. All success is built on failure after failure, perseverance and hard work. Remember how hard it was to get a certain move right In taekwondo? How many times did u fail until you got that right height and angle of that kick or block?

Have you watched an animated movie called “Meet the Robinsons”?

Much love and hugs.

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Hi @JediSurvivor

I read your reply to Wings and now know a bit more about you. I know this sounds like it can’t be true all these similarities. But it is - my eldest son too had very bad acne. And when I say bad it was terrible. It was from medicine that he was put on for depression and that was a side effect. Is there a reason for your acne? Like is it from meds? Or is it unfortunately from your age? Can I maybe offer my advice on this? Do you use any skin care products? And how is your eating? Sometimes what we eat can affect our skin. My son’s skin is all better now and he has a lovely girlfriend. Something you can look forward to, that will happen for you - good skin and love. Remember life is a journey and it’s a rough chapter you are in but keep persevering, you have got this.

You said no one wants to be friends with the quiet, depressed kid in school. I understand. My daughter was too was quiet, anxious and depressed. But although you might feel that you are the only one feeling this way there are others feeling the same way as you. Have you noticed anyone else who sits alone ? Maybe offer to join them? I know it sounds frightening at the thought of approaching someone, but maybe give it a try? If not then we will just figure something else out. There is always hope and always another way.

I read your are in therapy but appointment are missed because of your parents. Could I make a suggestion? Try call the therapists rooms and find out when the next appointment is, or maybe next time you are there make a note of the next appointment and ask the receptionist to let you know if your parents change it. And then you can remind your parents and make sure they take you.

I’m sorry that things are not great with your Mom. Does she understand depression and anxiety? I’m really sorry you are not getting the support you need. How do your parents feel about anxiety and depression? Do they take it seriously?

I’m so sorry for the rejection you have faced. I’m sorry you feel you are ugly. I know growing up is hard, so hard. But I am genuinely here for you. Remember ‘this too shall pass’. One day your skin will heal. You will see. There is always a way. Have you thought of going on meds for your skin?

Remember you are strong and have a beautiful heart. You are here for a purpose. I hope you feel better soon and you recover well from being sick.

How old are you if I may and am allowed to ask? My sons are now 24 and 25 and my daughter turned 19.

Looking forward to your replies.
Remember you got this.

Much love and hugs.

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Hi JediSurvivor,
i think that life is never easy, life gets harder every day, we just find better ways to cope. life gets faster as we
grow, we move on. i can relate to the part with the weight of tomorrow, the things that lie in front of us.
i am scared of what the future will bring, i am scared of the way that lies in front of me, i am scared of time that
will get by myself. life is also scary sometimes. we deal with so much, we have to deal with so much these
days that we forget often what life is about. because we do the things we need to do, not the things we should do.
yes, there are responsibilities, yes there are things to be done, to afford living, to come through life.
when you are alone dealing with all of this, it is even harder. i know that feeling. being alone ended in being lonely
for me. and this what scares me also.
i am dealing with depression, anxiety. i also struggle with self worth. don’t know whats about myself to like me.
be a friend with me. will there someone to love me ? i don’t think so. i consider myself in the category of an idiot,
but that is better as an asshole. i also hate so much about me, but at the same time, it is me. it is who i am.
we focus on too many steps at one time, we focus on too many things we would like to do, we focus on too much.
when we want something really badly, we seek even more after this things. we want them to happen now. as soon
as possible.
we try all every day. we all. you do, and i do. ups and down come as leafs flying by.
reach out, take it slow. you made the call. i could go on writing when i relate to stuff. i don’t how if it is too much.
i don’t want to say i am scared, i don’t want so say i am lonely. i don’t want to say that i struggle.
but we all do. i do. you do. reaching out is one step. you did that.
be proud of that.

i want that too. it scares me too. you see improvement last. i see improvement because you have written that
down and showed us your heart. your worries and toughts. THAT is improvement.
continue with that, speak out those things.

you will.
you are beautiful the way you are. you are strong. you are loved, because of who you are. the right people, will
see that. some will find earlier, some later.
i spend so much time isolated, spend time alone in loneliness, that haunts me. i feel so guilty.
all is easier said then done. i know that. but also… please my friend.
life is beautiful. life is so much more. and we live only once. only here and now. not yesterday. not in the past.
the past brought us here. the present is with us here. what you do now, is where you at tomorrow.
let’s not narrow our sight because of yesterday. do small steps, remind yourself of that steps. see your progress.
you are amazing, you matter to your family and friends, to us and to me.
you are worth of so much more, you deserve all the good things in this world. Thank you for posting.
Lovely greetings, feel hugged, come back anytime here. WE are here, for YOU. :purple_heart:

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I’ll try that. Thank you for that advice, I really appreciate it. COVID killed off our local Tae Kwon Do tournament for 2020, 2021, and 2022, finally in 2023 they’re bringing it back and I’ve decided to compete. Its in March. It should be a lot of fun.

Yeah, I know there’s a lot of people out there who don’t take relationships seriously. I don’t know, to me, love is so important to me, and I would never want to hurt someone that I loved so much. Its scary because I’m so worried that it will be forever. There’s no guarantees with anything, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m never going to find that special someone and this feeling hurts me all day every day. I just don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. Its just stuck in my mind that it will never happen. And it hurts so badly.

I get that, but, like I said, I can’t shake the feeling that its just going to keep failing to find someone. And I can’t live like that. I need someone to love and I need to be loved. I don’t know what to do, I really wish I could get rid of this feeling, but, it won’t go away.

No, I have not.

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I have no idea. I’ve just had worsening acne since middle school. I’ve tried so many stupid products that do literally nothing. It is infuriating. Even doctor prescribed crap did absolutely nothing. And I use it consistently and all that, it just doesn’t go away. And it bleeds, every single day, and its the most annoying thing, because I’ll be in the middle of doing something, feel my face, and look at my finger and just see blood on it. And my eating is fine, i think.

I’ve tried doing this quite a few times in the past. It has worked a grand total of one time. Every other time the person has just been really really cold to me. Like, I can tell the difference between nervous cold and “fuck off, I don’t want to talk to you” cold. Its very commonly the latter.

Yeah, I’ll try that.

No, they don’t. My parents are something alright. I love them in some way, but, they’ve got some screws loose if I’m being completely honest. And no, they don’t understand at all nor take it seriously. My mom takes it slightly more serious than my dad, but my dad straight up thinks all of my mental health problems don’t exist and I’m just making shit up. Which, mind you, he knows I’ve had suicidal thoughts and that doesn’t raise any alarms I guess. I don’t know. My parents are a lot…99% of the time. This is why the college I applied to is 7 hours away

I really do appreciate that. And yeah, like I said, even doctor prescribed stuff did absolutely nothing. I genuinely feel like these products are just water or something, because, they do jack shit.

I really do appreciate that. I’m 17 right now.

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For a while, I had the nickname of “pizza face,” due to my acne. Fortunately, I outgrew it for the most part. One thing I learned is that scrubbing stimulates oil production, which sometimes results in blocked pores and pimples. One thing they did not have when I was growing up, are exfoliating sponges. They can be used gently to lift away dry skin, if that happens to be a problem. My skin still gets oily in places, and dry in others. I allow the warmest possible water to flow on my face. I can still trigger pimples by scrubbing.

A dermatologist might have some recommendations for you. A regular doctor generally doesn’t have much to offer in the way of effective treatments. You might want to experiment with your diet too. Sugar intake and fried foods are frequently associated with acne. One thing is certain, acne will not be a problem for you forever.

Your mind is evolving, therefore opportunities, solutions and outlooks will be changing. Think about how different you are now compared to last year. In fact, look back at any time in your life, and consider how different you are now. Personal change comes very quickly when you’re a teenager. Eight months from now you will be a different person. I suspect that some of that change will include an increase of confidence.

You made it through yesterday. You are making it through today. You have demonstrated strength, tolerance, and resourcefulness to have made it this far. You are at least as capable of managing tomorrow as you are of handling today.

That’s why it’s so important to deal with only the weight of today. Today is like a brick in the wall that you are adding to bricks you’ve already placed. Tomorrow is another brick. One day, those bricks will have added up to become a magnificent structure.

Can you see grass or flowers grow? Similarly, our personal growth may not be noticeable, but I guarantee that you are improving, even if your circumstances don’t change significantly. As you grow, you will be more able to affect those circumstances.

I had a really rough start. At the age of 10, I attempted suicide. I spent years in terror and despair. Now I’m here, living decently and in gratitude.

It’s practically impossible to conceal that sense of desperation, and potential mates tend to avoid being around it. It’s really kind of hard to figure out what to do, because a person wants to be wanted, but at the same time they don’t want that desperate feeling to come too quickly.

Tae Kwon is is starting in March? That’s around three months from now, so it sounds like your life it will change at that point, three months from now instead of eight.

You identify it as a feeling, but when you talk about needing someone, you seem to express it as a fact essential to survival. That sounds a lot like obsession to me. Obsession interferes with love, and it’s scary to whoever is chosen as the object of that obsession.

The kind of relationship that is healthy and sustainable involves two individuals who know they are okay on their own, but are together because they want to be, rather than one or both of them feeling as though they absolutely have to be with “someone.” It’s a way of respecting and nurturing a person’s individuality and autonomy, while exploring the joy of being together. This is a concept that very few people come to understand during their lifetime, yet it is the key to a happy and secure relationship.

Be persistent in your effort to obtain therapy. If your parents realize that you aren’t going to give up, they are more likely to cooperate.

I am impressed with your introspection. You seem to have a lot of self understanding and intelligence. I suspect that whoever ends up being your life partner, will be very fortunate.

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for the reply. 3 days and counting, really proud of you.

How are you feeling? Did you go to the doctor and get meds for your cough? Are you booked off school?

Do you get enough sunshine? Low levels of Vitamin D can contribute to depression and anxiety.

Yes Covid was very bad, crushed a lot of dreams. But look how we are still here and we survived and we are going to still do great things with our lives.
Yay about you competing in March in your Taekwondo tournament. So excited, can’t wait to hear about it. Have you competed before and how did you do? I’m no expert but I love Martial Arts. My husband did Wing Chun Kung Fu many years ago. I loved watching him train. My daughter’s boyfriend does Jujutsu. What is your goal for the tournament in March? What belt are you on?

Speaking of Martial Arts. Have u watched Kung Fu Panda ?

I understand that you feel that you can’t shake this feeling of never finding someone to love. But it doesn’t mean it’s truth or your destiny. It sounds like it’s fear and anxiety based. Try replace that thought with something more positive or healthy for your heart and mind like ‘I am worthy of being loved and it’s going to be ok.’ Sometimes anxiety can really get the better of us and our thoughts and feelings can rush like a runaway train. We have the power to press that emergency stop button and to calm our mind and thoughts. Remember you don’t have to accept negative thoughts. I know it’s not easy, I know it’s hard and those thoughts can be overwhelming, but can you just try a little? As long as we are trying, it’s a good thing.

Did u manage to write somewhere ‘this too shall pass’. It’s a reminder that difficult times, struggles, heartaches will heal and pass.

Will you see if you can watch ‘Meet the Robinsons’? I would love to know what you think of it.

I’m really sorry about your skin. Not sure what other advice to give if you feel you have tried everything. All I can say is drink 2L of water a day, I know it’s hard but try not to touch your skin and if u have to make sure you’ve washed your hands first and I know chocolate is life, but sometimes too much chocolate can affect the skin. I also know you can get an antibacterial cream over the counter that helps. Maybe you can see if you can get some. But u just put it on the spots and make sure if you do get it you have no allergies to the ingredients. I know another remedy that helps like rinsing your skin with rooibos tea morning and night But not sure if you can get it where you live and if you’re keen.

I think college will be good for you. Something different, new experience, new possibilities. It can really turn out to be a positive and rewarding thing for you. What are you planning on studying?

You mentioned suicidal thoughts. Do you still have them and how often?

Did you think of what lifts your spirits? Music always, without fail lifts my spirits. As well as sunshine, coffee and chocolate lol. What is your favourite bands at the moment? Do you Spotify or Apple?

Remember the tallest trees get the most wind. Give it some thought. I will look for an article I read and will send it to you on our next reply.

Remember you and your life is of great value. One day you will tell of how you conquered this chapter. You are strong and you are a warrior. You have got this.

Much love and hugs

P.s When is your birthday?

Yeah, I guess a dermatologist could help more, but life has been so chaotic that I haven’t had time to even think about this. Too much going on. I hope my acne goes away eventually but right now it’s just getting worse.

I don’t feel very different at all from a year ago. I just feel the same emotions as last year, but worse. I don’t see any progress.

It’s just hard when every day feels like it’s getting harder. I just want to be happier, but every time I think it can’t get worse it gets significantly worse.

Honestly, right now it feels like I’m just having bricks thrown at me, and every time I think there’s no more bricks, another 20 just come out of nowhere.

I’m sorry you went through that, I hope you’re doing better now.

The only advantage I have in this regard to hiding desperate feelings, is that I’ve been hiding feelings for years and years. It’s not hard for me anymore. I’ve hid feelings from my parents for at least 6 years now because my negative emotions just get them angry with me. So, most of the time, I can bury the desperate feeling from being too visible, even if the crush I have is obvious.

Well, the tournament is in March, I’ve been going to tae kwon do since I was 5 years old.

Everyone needs love from somewhere to survive. It’s almost impossible to live when literally nobody loves you. My family is basically a lost cause, I’m some really twisted way, I think they do cars, but, a lot of times it comes out in such a cold and harsh way that it doesn’t feel like love to me. I really only have one aunt that I’m close with, but, because she’s on the opposite side of the current massive family argument, I barely get to see her.

I just want love man. And considering how my friends treated me, I’m not gonna get it from them. Nor am I going to get any pure love from my family. Finding a girlfriend is basically the only way I could get some love in my life. I get that it’s maybe not the healthiest way of thinking, but, I’m sorry, this won’t change. Everyone needs some sort of love in their lives, and for me, this is really the only way I’m going to find it. It’s not so easy to just be “happy on your own” when you don’t have any love in your life from anymore.

My parents don’t cooperate. They do what they want, when they want, and my opinion means Jack shit. That’s just the truth.

I really hope so. I really hope one day I find someone and I’m not just lonely for the rest of my life

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I didn’t go to school yesterday, I feel a slight bit better today so I’m in school now.

Yeah, I think so, but, I could always take my dog out more, he wouldn’t mind haha.

I did okay when I was younger. It’s cool that you have people who are into martial arts. Tae kwon do has done so so much for me over the years. For March, I just want to do decent enough. I’m actually a third degree black belt in TKD

Yes, I have, but, for me, nothing beats Karate Kid and Cobra Kai when it comes to martial arts media

I really hope I can get rid of the negative thoughts. I feel a little bit better today, because, well, last night we got an amazing trailer for the Jedi Survivor game. I really do want love in my life, but while I wait for that, I just have to keep holding on. It’s really really hard, and I’m still scared it will never happen. But I really really hope it does. I really need someone to love and to be loved.

I have.

I probably can’t right now, I have such a backlog of shows and stuff to watch already, I’m sorry.

I really don’t know what to do about my skin. It’s just annoying as hell. I hope that gets better too. It hurts like hell.

I’m planning on studying game programming. I’ve always loved games and I really like programming.

I have them sometimes. It’s only when it’s really bad. But, it’s been like that more and more recently.

For me, it’s games, some shows, and music. I love cobra Kai, Star Wars, Battlebots, and some other stuff. For music, my favorite bands are Journey and Airbourne.

Thank you again. You’ve been so helpful :slight_smile:

My birthday is in July

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I was 20 years old before I figured out that love was something other than a form of emotional blackmail and manipulation. The word was thrown around a lot in my family, but there was no affection or demonstration of it. Sometimes I felt affection for others, but when I did, I felt as though it was an embarrassing character flaw. I was able to sense a fairly unconditional love from my pets, but I was so emotionally damaged that I could not receive love from humans.

Pure love is rare. That you know what it is means that you are unusually sensitive and evolved. Perhaps that sensitivity and awareness has convinced you that you are uniquely disadvantaged when it comes to finding such love. Believe me, you are not disadvantaged. There is no telling how long it might take to find another person who relates to pure love the way you do. It’s certainly not a very common thing to find in high school.

There is a philosophy that says if you want love, give love. I’m not talking about being all sweet, mushy and gooey around people. It’s more a matter of accepting others for who they are, which is a challenge when surrounded by vanity and shallowness. I ended up feeling sorry for many of my peers. They were entangled with relationships and pursuits, based solely on superficial priorities. You might as well forgive them for their ignorance.

What is your relationship to yourself? Are you angry with yourself? Do you have problems with self-esteem? Are you willing to think of yourself and treat yourself as you would someone else who is dealing with issues similar to yours?

Loneliness is tough, but the absolute fact is, it is survivable. It may not feel that way to you because you have convinced yourself that it’s not survivable. One thing that might help is that rather than spending so much time on what you don’t have, consider ways in which you can reach out and be supportive of others.

Another problem with spending so much time thinking about what you don’t have is that it programs the subconscious to fulfill that belief. It’s like saying “I can’t get a job.” As long as you believe that, for damn sure, you won’t get a job. A way to curtail the subconscious from acting according to negative believes, is to remind yourself, it’s possible that today can be different. Admit that despite how things appear to be, it’s possible that you can meet someone to spend time with.

I agree. It takes practice. Yet it’s very doable. As I alluded to earlier, you will experience significant change in the coming months, and I’ve no doubt that some of it will be positive. One of the most difficult yet necessary rights of passage is learning to be patient.

I appreciate your thoughtful responses. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but a measure of love has been coming to you in this forum.

Stay well my friend, Wings

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for the reply. Aah that’s good to hear you are feeling better. Yay.

Yes that’s a great idea. Dogs are so good for us and the walks with him would be so good for the two of you in so many ways. Dogs are amazing. They just want to love and be loved. They are very special companions. What dog do you have? I have a Boston Terrier. He will be 2 years in January. He brings so much joy. He’s crazy for chicken and cheese. He’s adorable and an absolute hooligan lol. This is our first Christmas with him that we have managed to put a tree up and he hasn’t pulled it down. It feels like such a huge accomplishment to have taught him to be ok with the tree.

3rd Degree black belt in TKD… wow. That’s so cool, you’re clearly talented. Even when you go into college keep it up. It’s something you can be very proud of. It really shows what a strong person you are both mentally, emotionally and physically. My daughter did Hip Hop for many years and I loved watching her and her crew perform on stage and in competitions.

For sure Karate Kid beats Kunfu Panda lol. Haven’t watched Cobra Kai. Maybe I will shall watch it.

Jedi Survivor game. Oh my word I just clicked on the name. I feel so silly. I enjoyed the Star Wars movies when they came out. Don’t remember how many I have watched but I remember loving Darth Maul. I have a figurine of him from when that one came out. When my youngest sister was about 8yrs old she had a dress up at school and I painted her face like Darth Maul, did her hair like his horns and dressed her up as him. It was very cool. You should have seen the looks on people’s faces that were on the bus to school with us, it was funny. My sons owned light sabers, not sure what happened to them though. I was saying the other day we should have a Star Wars weekend where we watch all the movies. Oh my word just watched the Jedi Survivor trailer. Looks so cool. I will have to get it for the Xbox … 27 March 2023 is going to be a happy day for you and I. What console do you use?

Speaking of Star Wars. Did you go to Comicon?

I believe in you and I know you will be able to get past the negative thoughts. Look how far you have come. You have a persevering and strong heart. It’s good to hear you say while you wait, you’ll just have to keep holding on. That shows you have found hope in someway and that’s really positive. The day will come, when least expected.

It’s no problem I understand if you have lots to watch and catch up on.

I watched all three of my children’s faces heal. So yours most certainly get better and everything will balance out. I know it’s tough, but this acne … too shall pass.

Let’s hope and work on getting those suicidal thoughts less, cause the world needs your unique heart. Can we try that? I know you got this and you’re destined to do great things in your future.

So you’re going to programming - brilliant! I think you’re going to do amazing at it. It’s good to hear you know what you want to do and where you want to go in life. I can’t wait to hear about your first game creation.

It’s so good to hear you have a few things that lift your spirits. Battlebots - I completely forgot about that series. I remember watching it years ago. It’s so cool those robots and how they compete. Pity they get destroyed.

So your a rock soul. Very cool. So am I. I love rock. My husband plays the electric guitar. I listened to Airbourne Essentials. How have I not heard them before? What a shame. They are so good. Definitely going to add them to my playlist. Journey - I know their music and I enjoy it. These are such feel good bands. Like you just want to sing and dance around the house lol. Good choice of music!

Aah it’s a pleasure. So good to hear I have helped in someway.:slightly_smiling_face: That makes my heart happy and happy that has made my day.

You’re birthday is in July? No way ! Mine is too. I’m 2 July.

Hope you have a fabulous weekend. Remember to take your dog for a walk. He’ll love you even more for it.

Oh I just remembered the tree link I wanted to share. In life we’re going to face hard situations. It’s just part of living. So remember to enjoy the good moments and stand strong in the tough moments, because it strengthens us.

Here is the link. It’s a short read. Would love to know what you think…

http://awesci.com/the-role-of-wind-in-a-trees-life/?fbclid=IwAR1RVg3daKWe1Tz4uXd-4SaGi3qZwzPikxCbHxsICju8NiAnvqUqjJZSUDo

Much love and hugs.

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