I'm Alone, Broken, and Losing Hope

I have a schnoodle, which is a Schanuzer/Poodle mix named Bandit. He’s a little ball of chaos and I love him.

Thank you. I’m really hoping this year the local tournament doesn’t get cancelled again. Hopefully, as long as some other crazy shit doesn’t happen, it should be on.

Cobra Kai is incredible. It’s a series that is 30 years after the original 3 karate kid movies, and it’s really really well done. I don’t want to spoil anything, but, between the returning characters from the Karate Kid movies and the new cast, it’s just really awesome.

I’m actually hoping Maul shows up in Jedi Survivor haha. In the first game, Jedi Fallen Order, you go to his planet like 3 times and he’s just not there! The Star Wars movies are great…well, 1-6 anyway. You should check out the Obi Wan Kenobi series! It’s pretty fantastic. By the way, 17th of March, not 27 :joy:. And I use PC and Switch because I love Nintendo and PC normally gets pretty much everything from Xbox and most things from PlayStation.

I’m really trying to hold out. It’s really hard on some days. I don’t know how many of these hard days I can handle. I just hope one day I find someone and we make each other happy.

I really hope my face heals. I just woke up with something bleeding on it, it’s not fun :sweat_smile:

I’m trying to, there’s days I don’t have them, but in bad days, they come back. They mostly show up when I feel myself thinking about finding that special girl, and then the fear takes over that it’s never going to happen and I’m just going to be alone forever. And that hurts, really really really badly. But I can’t shake these feelings. They won’t go away. I have tried every single stupid thing to make them go away and they just won’t. I cry myself to sleep some nights, well, many nights, over it. And that’s where the suicidal thoughts come in. If I never find that girl, I’m not going to have a will to live. It seems harsh, but, finding someone to fall in love with is so important to me. And if it just continues down the path of rejection and failure over and over and over again, at some point, something is going to crack. There’s only so much failure and rejection someone can handle when its something so important to them. Especially me, because I have a pretty weak and sensitive heart.

I really want to work for a company that makes games that I grew up with. There’s just something really cool about the idea of one day working on an entry in a series I played and loved.

On Jan 5, the new season of Battlebots starts on discovery channel on cable or Discovery+. You have to see what modern robots can do! They’re so creative now and there’s fights that are just absolutely insane. Look up Witch Doctor VS Hydra to see a really good example of how crazy modern bots are. If you don’t have access to either way of watching Battlebots, on YouTube next Saturday there’s a channel called NHRL that’s doing an event with smaller bots, but they’re still equally fun to watch.

That’s really cool that your husband plays guitar! And yeah, Airbourne needs to be heard more haha. They’re great, I actually found their music because 3 of their songs were used in Cobra Kai. My personal favorites by them are Runnin Wild, Get Back Up, Breakin Outta Hell, and Rivalry. And yes, journey is fantastic. Separate Ways is my favorite song haha.

My birthday is July 12!

I’ll take a look at that a bit later, thank you. Thank you for talking with me, I really appreciate it.

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I can understand that. Without getting into too many specifics, my family, and my parents especially, are a handful to say the least. Most of my family is not really a source of pure love. They’re a lot to handle, and even though I know in some way they care, a lot of times its in a twisted way and they can’t let me be my own person. My parents are very controlling.

Yes, I have a weak heart. It’s very sensitive. I do on some days feel like I’ll never find this love. Unfortunately, you are right that I won’t find this in high school. The problem is, I’m scared that I’ll never find it. I can be patient, but, I just wish I could know for sure that eventually I will find that special someone.

Sometimes accepting people for who they are is hard. With people outside my family, its easier. Because, if our personalities aren’t meshing or we just aren’t getting along, I can accept that this person won’t change and just move on for the best of both of us. Even the real jerks in my school, I’ve accepted that they won’t change, so I just don’t bother with them. With my family, its harder. I wish they would change because I do think they have good intentions in some way. But, like I said, my parents are very controlling and don’t like to listen to my side of things and my opinions.

I am angry with myself to some extent. I feel like if I did some things different, I would be happier with my life. And I have this feeling I can’t get rid of that because I’ve gone through all of high school without even having my first kiss or my first date, nevermind an actual relationship, that I’ve failed at making any progress toward my goal of finding that special someone, and that I’m just going to keep failing and never find someone to love. And I can’t accept that because of how important it is to me.

It really doesn’t feel survivable long term. I mean, how long can you possibly go feeling totally alone. And its hard to just reach out and be supportive to someone else, I mean, when I know my friends are going through something, of course I’m supportive, but I don’t exactly have many friends and my one or two friends are in a pretty good spot right now.

Its hard to just believe that. Because, well, most likely, at bare minimum, it’ll be at least another 8-9 months before I have any chance of finding someone. I’ve just given up trying to find a girl in this school, I’ve been rejected enough times to know its not working here, for whatever reason. What I’m mostly concerned about is that either its not going to ever change and I’m never going to find someone, or, that I’m not going to make it through all these months feeling completely alone.

Its hard to believe that. Every week since September, I’ve felt like its been my worst week, and it has to start improving from there. And yet, somehow, the next week is even worse. I don’t know if its just absurdly bad luck, or the universe just trying to fuck me over as hard as possible, but its felt like I have a case of Murphy’s Law. I mean, every single ridiculous thing that can go wrong, goes wrong. Its like a sitcom at this point, it feels like an elaborate joke because of how insane the amount of bullshit that is drawn to me on a daily basis is. I just need some positive change in my life. Things getting better with my parents, my grandma healing a bit, my family coming back together, having a few more friends, having a girlfriend, something, any one slight improvement that would increase the amount of love and happiness in my life, and yet all of that is trending in the worst possible direction at the same time.

I do notice and appreciate the responses. It means a lot to me. I just, I don’t know how to survive being this lonely. I don’t know if I can last all this time with it just getting harder and harder. And if I do survive, I can’t have college be the same thing. I just don’t know how long I can hold onto the hope that I will find some form of love. Because eventually, with time, the cracks in hope start to form, and I don’t know how long I have, because I’m already seeing them starting to appear. I’m having these thoughts of never finding that special girl more and more and its crushing me. The more I think about it, the more I feel like its not going to ever happen, and the worse I feel about myself, my life, and my will to live cracks just that slight bit more.


Hi @JediSurvivor

Sorry for the late reply. With load shedding its been a bit of a mission. But we bought a UPS so that makes things better data wise as now the wifi is always on.

6 days and counting, proud of you. How as your weekend?

Aww cute. I had a poodle when I was young and my Mom would put red food coloring in the bath when we would bath her and she would end up being pink lol. My Boston’s name is Maximus. He wants to play all the time. The floor is like his wireless charger. He gets tired and then lays on the floor for a few minutes to recharge and then he is full of energy again. Have you taken Bandit for more walks ? And there is also the option to play fetch with him outside in the sun?

I will ask my daughter about us watching Cobra Kai, and yes you are right its 17 March - typo error. That’s what you get when typing on a phone instead of a laptop :joy: so now I am using my laptop.

Nintendo … aah I loved playing Nintendo. I wonder where my sons Nintendo is that my daughter decided when she was younger it was when to be hers. Probably in a box, maybe I should look for it to show you. Its an old one.

You can hold on and and get through this I know you can. Remember one day at a time. Thinking 8 months to go is heavy. Rather one day at a time. Its more manageable.

About your face I remember my son too waking up with a bleeding face and it happening at school. I’m really sorry I know its sore and a hard thing to experience. After you get home from TKD always wash your face because sweat and all that can cause more acne cause of bacteria.
What is your skin care routine? What do you do every morning and evening with your face?

About those suicidal thoughts. Please remember to not let them steal your mind and cause it to go into warp speed with those negative thoughts. I can tell you are a decent and kind hearted soul and to be loved and to share love is so important to you. That’s such a good quality to have. I promise you that you definitely have the ability to overcome this. You said you have a weak and senstive heart - Why do you feel this way? Wanting to love and be loved is not weakness - it’s a strength. It show you believe you have the ability to love, protect and take care of someone. That shows a strong and confident heart. Being sensitive is not weakness. It’s also a strength.
I think you are way more awesome than you think and give yourself credit for. The world needs more sensitive people like you. Sensitivity is how we connect with others to show empathy and compassion.
Suicidal thoughts come from a feeling of hopelessness and the desire to not feel the heartache. But there is always hope, we just have to search for it and find it. I think that we should make a list of things to counter the negative thoughts. Eventually we can re-write the coding in your brain. Can we please try? I am not saying we are denying your feelings. We just need to do some coding and shifting like when these thoughts come. Feeling sad is ok, so is feeling lonely, frustrated, angry and all other hard feelings. The problem is when we allow these feelings to take over and drown us that we feel like we can’t breathe. So we somehow need to pause the sad and remind ourselves who we are. Do you ever day dream of your future? Dreams are free.

Have you made any friends at TKD class?

Do you have any siblings?

Do you celebrate Christmas?

When do you go on school holidays and for how long? How do you cope at break like what do you do? Do you have a note book that you write your gaming ideas in? Last year of school for most people is very difficult so you are not alone in how you feel. Do you have anything planned for the school holidays?

Do you do social media a lot? Sometimes social media portrays relationships so unhealthy, so idealistic, that they make single people feel absolutely terrible.

That is such a cool idea working with games one day that you grew up with. I really hope you get that opportunity. Which company do you want to work for? Let me guess? Nintendo?

Ooh I am looking forward that. Ok I will look out for it in January. Just watched the Witch Doctor vs Hydra - that is insane ! How come Hydra had two team members controlling the bot and Witch Doctor had one? Have you ever thought of competing or designing one? We can’t get Discovery+ where I live. So I will just Youtube it or watch NHRL.

Cool favorites from Airbourne. Separate ways is awesome. It has a gaming feel. Do they use their songs in gaming? Have you thought of playing the guitar?

Aah 12 July, very cool. July people are awesome people :joy:

Remember to be kind to yourself. I know its hard. Be less critical to yourself. Please? Everything in its right timing. I know a young lady who had her boyfriend and first kiss at 23. I know another lady who had her first date at 18. In know two young men who also had his first proper girlfriend at 19 and now at 24 I think he has finally found his special lady, when he least expected it. Do you compare yourself to anyone or do you compare yourself to this person you should be?

Have you gone back for a therapy session? Did that come right? Does therapy help? If so what helps the most? Is it because its a safe space to talk and or is it because the therapist gives good advise?

It’s definitely survivable. Remember you are getting stronger each day. Every day you wake up means you have survived and conquered another day. You should be very proud of yourself. You mentioned you have one or two friends. Are they good friends ? Even just having one friend is good.

I am sorry since September its been tough. Remember its nearing end of year and you are probably exhausted on all levels. Give yourself some grace. Its ok to be tired and want more positivity in your life. What happened this weekend that was positive, no matter how small?

It sounds like your relationship with your parents is strained. I am so sorry. Do you spend much time together? What are your weekends like with them? How is your Granny? How often do. you visit her?

Stay strong. Believe in the wonderful person that you are. Be kind to yourself and remember you have got this. I believe in you.

Much love and hugs.

Wow. Your story is very similar to mine 15 years ago. I often wonder what I’d say to past me if I had the opportunity. What I come up with is more stream of consciousness than words, but I’ll give it a try.

It’s not your imagination. High school sucks. Senior year sucks. Here’s the thing though: it sucks for everyone. All the cool kids, all the ones that have it all together, are trying to craft the identities they’ll wear the rest of their lives, and are probably trying to figure out why things are going so well for them. I went through high school mostly friendless, but my college resume was impeccable. Student athlete, top 5%, clubs, honor societies, extracurriculars, etc etc. Know what? It was terrifying. I felt like that stuff was just happening to me, and I didn’t know why. Adults are winging it too. No one knows how to do life. Life is hard. That’s not to take away from your struggles, I feel your pain acutely, but the reality is you are not as alone as you think. Once I realized that, I took some comfort in it. If no one knows what the hell they’re doing, but they still go through life every day and more or less get stuff done, I don’t have to be perfect.

Regarding dating, the biggest thing I would tell myself is DON’T HOLD CRUSHES. Life is not a coming-of-age movie where the hot girl falls in love with the dorky guy after realizing he was there all along. I regret very little in my life–even among the parts I’d rather didn’t happen–but the things I regret are the things I didn’t do, and most of those things involve girls I didn’t ask out. I did this really toxic thing where I figured the only way to redeem myself socially would be to go out with someone hot, but I lacked the confidence to approach those people. At the same time, I figured if I dated anyone “less than” hot, I’d get ridiculed. It was so stupid. I would deny the eligibility of very nice girls all around me because I thought they wouldn’t maximize my social credibility, never mind that I didn’t have any to begin with. Meanwhile, I’d pine after these girls I couldn’t have. I’d obsess, I’d tear myself to bits, I’d feel so lonely and like I would never meet anyone and die a virgin. I put a stop to that when I was 19, after I took a crush home from a party where she was caught making out with another guy and was super embarrassed. Reassuring her while she was drunk ugly crying broke something in me. I realized that these girls I liked from afar wouldn’t just one day notice me in a new light and fall in love with me, and I was debasing myself trying to be good to them in hopes that they would. I’m not saying to be a dick, but you won’t win their hearts with your fealty to them. A month later, I started dating my first girlfriend, who was a casual friend I’d met 6 weeks prior, and who was not a high-stakes do-or-die proposition.

What’s all that mean? Look around you. The thing with crushes is you’ve written their stories in your head and imagined what it would be like with them. Girls you don’t have a crush on are girls you can start talking to with no expectations, who you can get to know, who I promise will surprise you. Is there a girl who lends you pencils in math class? Someone you laugh at stupid things with? Someone you don’t really talk to in class but seems cool? Ask them to coffee. Coffee doesn’t have to be a “date.” It’s a low-stakes activity that can take 20 minutes if it’s not going well or 2 hours if it is. I know it’s terrifying. As I write this, I’m right back in high school, afraid to look at girls for fear of getting judged, only now high school me hears adult me saying “Go for it! You have nothing now, you have NOTHING to lose!” I can hear the conversation in my head:

You don’t have to make eye contact if it’s too hard, but if they ask “Like a date?”, say something like “I dunno, you seem cool, I thought it would be cool to hang out and talk.” Chances are better though, that she’ll either say yes or no and not question your motives. I know you’re afraid of rejection, I can feel that in my chest right now, but if you’re asking out a girl you don’t have a crush on and she says no, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of a crush and everything you built it up to be, it was a girl in math class who you asked out and she said no. It’s not easy, but it’s not a pillar crashing down.

Now for a bit more grim part. College doesn’t just get better. I bought into the coming-of-age fantasy that I could reinvent myself in college, a fresh start where I didn’t know anyone, and was sorely disappointed when I was still just me. Don’t aim to reinvent yourself, just be yourself with new people.

That said, if you think senior year is hard, college will be harder. You’ll only be in class 12-15 hours a week, but you’ll have to manage your time, all while trying to figure out living away from home. There is no more structure built around the school day. Ask yourself now: do you want to do more school? Please be honest with yourself. I lied to myself for 6 years through 3 different schools, and I came away from all that with an associate’s degree, loan debt, and the belief that I was incapable of doing worthwhile work. The expectation is that you graduate high school, go to college, graduate in 4 years, get a good job, and become a productive citizen. The reality is that school will always be there. Take a gap year if you’re not sure, and go do work in a field that interests you. Get your basics knocked out at community college. I know it’s not glamorous, it’s not polished teak and marble university halls, but: community college is way cheaper, the professors want to be there and will teach the subjects much better, the students are similarly unsure what’s what and trying to figure out some direction, and they have better counselors who will help you prepare for university transfer or starting a vocation/trade. At a university, undergrad professors don’t want to be teaching those classes, they want to be working with grad students, doing research and getting published. Universities set students up to fail, as the “harder” a program is, the more “prestigious” it is. With really hard programs with high fail rates, universities can brag that they turn out the “best and brightest” grads in their fields. Community colleges set students up to succeed. Where universities might be “institutions of learning,” community colleges are institutions of teaching. They have nothing to gain by weeding out students and everything to gain by promoting success.

Lastly regarding school, know that a bachelor’s degree is not a prerequisite for a good life. I was ashamed for a long time that I didn’t finish my degree. I was angry and I had a lot to prove, and that drove me far into my career. Now I’m an engineer, making real engineer money, doing the same work as my counterparts with bachelor’s degrees. They respect that I was able to get so far in my career, and wish they hadn’t put themselves through hell for 4-5 years and accrued a year’s salary in debt. I am very proud of how my career has turned out, largely because none of it was guaranteed and I worked for everything I achieved, but I will always have the scars of my shame. A lot of fields don’t even require a bachelor’s degree per se. Art, sales, business administration, nursing, engineering technology, on and on. A bachelor’s degree opens doors, but there are a lot of companies that are willing to take a chance on someone who wants to work hard and learn. Your college credentials only really matter for your first job. After that, employers are more interested in your professional experience. My first job after dropping out was drawing and detailing for an insane mom-and-pop shop. I was there 3 months, then left for a job where they deemed that I had “professional experience.” None of this is to say don’t get a bachelor’s degree if you really want to, but don’t do it because you think you have to. That’s just not true.

I guess in conclusion, I want to say that things get better. Maybe not good, but better. I wouldn’t go back to high school if you paid me, but when I finally got out, it was behind me. By this time next year, high school will be a bad memory. Your experience has shaped you, and you’ll take those scars into the world with you, but high school won’t be your reality any more. You have 70 years ahead of you. A lot will happen in 70 years. Let it happen. Don’t try to steer the boat too hard, you’ll wear yourself out and be disappointed when it bounces around instead of going straight as an arrow. Every time I got tired of fighting and let go, things got better for me, whether it was letting go of crushes, dropping out of school, or shedding toxic friends. Get therapy. A lot of therapists take insurance. Once you’re 18, you’ll have more say in your health care. Paying may be hard if your parents aren’t on board, but there are ways. The stigma around therapy is breaking, and there’s no shame in going. The fact is, when we’re in a valley, all we see is the valley, Therapists aren’t trapped in our heads. They can help us map ways out. Let go of who you think people want you to be, and be true to yourself. I know that’s hard, especially in high school. You want to be accepted and you want the “right” people to like you, but what people really like is confidence and authenticity. Join the D&D club (or nerdy equivalent) if you think it sounds fun. Fuck what anyone else thinks. They don’t determine your future, they’re just bits of sludge trying to choke you. Remember that everything you go through is teaching and shaping you, and appreciate that. Lastly and above all else, live a life worth telling stories about, and remember that mistakes usually make the best stories. No one wants to hear about how I graduated top of my class, forfeited a full ride scholarship, and worked 2 jobs while going to school for another 4 years until I dropped out. They’re much more interested in the time I was hanging out with a couple rednecks who shoplifted shotgun shells, drove to a pond at the end of a dirt road, threw the trash from their trucks into the water, and we spent 2 hours blasting away at it with stolen shotgun ammo.

Live a life worth telling stories about. The prerequisite to that is living. The age you are feels like a lifetime, because it is, but it won’t always be that way. By the time you’re 21, the first 18 years of your life will just be a chapter. Make mistakes, they make it interesting. Take stupid chances (as long as they don’t involve a high likelihood of severe injury), people love hearing about that stuff. Take the syrup home from IHOP at 2am, that sort of stuff. Remember, no one knows what they’re doing here, we’re just trying to make the best of it. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

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My weekend was alright. How was yours?

Bandit does the same thing, laying on the floor! I have taken him for more walks, playing outside is hard right now because its cold as hell and we both want to go in the whole time haha

Cobra Kai is great, but you need to have seen the first 3 karate kid movies first to really really enjoy it. Its just a fantastic show for 5 straight seasons.

That’s cool! I’m a total nintendo nerd haha

It is hard, yes, but, today I got good news. I got accepted into the college I wanted! Champlain College, very nice school for game programming, I’m very happy about it.

I do wash my face after TKD. I wish it in the morning and night, and I have these pad things I use once a day to help, I guess. I also use special soap for acne, not sure what its called.

I feel like my heart is weak because of how much it hurts when I’m so alone. In most ways, I’m not that sensitive, but when it comes to romance and stuff, yeah…I’m mushy haha. I really do want love and to give love. I just hope one day it works out. I really do. Its easy to lose hope on some days. It really is.

I appreciate that. Its really hard to find hope on some days. There’s days that I’m so desperate for love and I just know its not going to happen for a while and it hurts badly, and then I start thinking about it potentially never happening and that’s so much worse. I do daydream of a better future a lot, but, sometimes its hard because there’s days where I just feel like I won’t achieve it.

Sort of. I’ve made a few friends, but, there’s not many people my age who go.

I don’t have any siblings.

I do celebrate Christmas. Holidays are from the 24th to the 2nd. On breaks I’m much happier. Not having to go to my shitty school is really nice. My school district is horrible. I don’t really have holiday plans.

No, I barely use social media. I use it more for notifications from like, game companies and stuff than anything else.

There’s a few studios I would LOVE to work for. Steel Wool Studios is high on the list, they’ve recently took over making the five nights at freddy’s games. I would love to work on a game in that series. Nintendo would be cool too. So would Respawn Entertainment (Fallen Order and Jedi Survivor devs).

So, some robots have one person driving the robot, another controlling the weapon. Others have one person doing both. It depends on robot type and just team preference I guess. I built a little battlebots kit called a fingertech viper and brought it to an event. I got blown up pretty badly lmao. But, it was fun and one day I’ll fix the thing. For NHRL, check out their December 2021 event highlights too. Its INCREDIBLE.

I don’t have musical talent haha. They don’t use Separate Ways in any games I’ve played, they’ve used it in Stranger Things, which, that show is the bane of my existence. Its hard to explain, but, the way they ended the latest for a certain character I LOVED (Max Mayfield) made me so fucking angry. It was fucked up. I could rant for years about how fucked up that ending was. I will never support that bullshit show again, but, that’s besides the point.

Its hard to be easy on myself, I’ve always been pretty hard on myself. I just wish I could find love. That’s what really bothers me.

I did get a therapy session. It helps, mostly because its a safe space to talk.

They’re okay friends. My online friends are just, better people tbh. My IRL friends…well, most of them have abandoned me in one way or another.

Yes, strained to say the least. Its a lot of arguing and not seeing eye to eye. My grandma is okay, I guess. Not great at all. I feel so bad for her. I see her every few weeks.

Thank you for responding again

My school is fucked up. I could go on and on about some of the “incidents” and things they like to shove under the carpet, but its a shitshow. And I mean, I might be as alone as I think. I’ll explain more.

I try not to hold crushes. I really do. The thing here with me is, I have really only ever had a crush on one of the popular girls. Every other crush I’ve had has been someone more like me. Not really popular at all. And yet, it still led to rejection every time.

Here’s the thing: The answer to all of these is no. I could genuinely go through an entire school day without interacting with anyone or saying a singular word and it would not be seen as out of the ordinary to anyone really. There’s no girl that I have causal conversation with or anything. When I say I have one or two real IRL friends, what I mean is that I literally do not talk to anyone else during my day because I am constantly cast aside. I used to, but that time is long gone in this shithole school. So yeah, there’s nobody to ask really. And I can’t just start talking to people, because, people avoid me. I’m not kidding, and I don’t know why. But I am. I’m telling you, there’s something weird about the town I live in. I don’t know what it is, but there’s like, a way higher than average amount of people here who are either assholes or just don’t want to talk to someone like me. Every time I try to even talk to someone about the most basic shit, they just ignore me most of the time. I mean, outside of this school, this doesn’t happen, but in this school, I don’t know what it is, if its the town, school, whatever, but, I am just a complete outcast.

I don’t really mind the school work. I really don’t. It’s just the people in this stupid fucking town that make me hate everything. I can’t go to a college locally. I will actually fucking go insane if I have to see anyone from this town again past this school year. Plus, game programming isn’t exactly available at community colleges. I already got accepted into an early decision at a school that isn’t so prestigious or anything, but its a nice school.

Thank you so much for responding.


Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for the reply. My weekend was busy. Was trying to find Christmas presents :gift: Do you enjoy Christmas shopping?

Yay so cool to hear you are taking Bandit for more walks even though it’s cold🥶
Maximus loves walks too. He is so cute he turns his head when he hears words he understands. I must see how I can send u a photo via this heart support of Maximus.

Ok we will watch the first 3 karate kid movies first before Cobra Kai.

I’m so proud of you so cool about you getting into your Champlain College! You see, you’re destined for great things. Hopefully it will be a bit better you as you will at least be with like minded people with the same interests as you. So does the College year start in July? Cause you had said previously you had about 8 months to go until college.

When will u graduate and do you get to wear graduation outfits ?

I’m glad u have a good skincare routine going. Not sure how u dry your face but when u do dab it dry, don’t rub it as it can aggravate your skin.

I think your heart hurts easily cause it has the capacity to love greatly.

Love and be proud of who you are. Your day will come. I look forward to hearing all about it.

Seek deep for hope everyday and don’t let your mind think of things that bring you down. You can do this.

How did you find out about Heart support?

It’s ok to have doubts and fears about your future. But don’t let it drown you. You have great potential. You know what you want to do in life, that’s really great.

It’s good to hear u do well on your breaks. You don’t sound thrilled where you live? How long have you lived there and gone to that school?

Let’s hope you get to work at one of those studios. Dreams are free and it’s important to have them

Oh my word so cool you built a little Battlebot. Why didn’t you compete again? Sounds like a lot of fun. I will look at the Dec 2021 highlights tomorrow.

Stranger Things… well I watched I think two or three episodes and was like I can’t take this Winona Ryder (who played Joyce) any longer. She just played the part way too well and just couldn’t take her character. Oh she drove me up the wall, just thinking of her character makes me feel annoyed lol. When I went to Comicon they had a Stranger Things Experience. No way lol I would go into that a bit too creepy…

Did you watch ‘Wednesday’ series 1?

I think there is a time and place to be hard on yourself for good reason, to accomplish things, to persevere, to conquer and be brave etc. But you go through enough at school on a daily basis. And getting home and being hard on yourself in a negative, critical way it’s a bit unfair to yourself.

Online friends is also good. Do you think you prefer them cause you can be yourself and not feel judged ?

May I ask what you and your parents argue about? Do you get to spend time together or do they work a lot?

It’s so good u are not doing a lot of social media. The longer you can keep the toxic out the better.

I know you like Martial art movies but do you have any other favourites? I love Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean and a huge Marvel fan. Do you like Avatar ? I’m so excited going to book tickets tomorrow for the second one coming out on Thursday.

Did you do any sports at school?

Why do you hate the town where you live?

You sound really smart. Are you top of your class ?

My eyes are closing, super tired😴

Remember you are valuable. The world needs your creative mind and…you have got this !

Sleep well.

Much love and hugs

I’m not a big fan of shopping haha

When you figure it out, let me know. I’ll send a picture of Bandit haha.

Thank you! I really hope it is better. College starts in August. I graduate in June and we do have the outfits.

I’ll keep that in mind.

Yeah, I can agree with you on that. I really hope it does. I’m trying my best to hold onto hope.

An online friend found the site. Probably my best friend online. He’s fantastic.

I’ve lived here all my life. Its my school district that sucks. The corruption, the amount of fucked up shit that has happened, its too much to describe.

I haven’t competed again because I haven’t had the time to repair the damage haha. It got very broken. Dec 2021 highlights are great.

That’s fair. Do me a favor, don’t watch anymore of it haha. I am a stubborn little shit when it comes to this show, and if I can get just a few people to not watch it, well, its satisfying lmfao. I don’t want to go into my whole rant, but, Max’s story was all about depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. And they had this monster that seemed to be a metaphor for suicide. She basically barely escapes him by thinking of everything she has to live for, only for this stupid fucking monster to get her 5 episodes later, break all her limbs, blind her, steal her soul, and leave her comatosed. I related to Max a LOT. And I am a salty little shit about that shitty message they sent. What’s the message there? Suicide always wins? Real nice, jackasses. Sorry, I got carried away. This happens when it comes to this show.

No, I have not.

I just think my school creates some of the worst people known to man, and I need people from, well, not here.

I love Star Wars obviously. I’m not really a big movie guy. I will be seeing the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie if that ever actually gets filmed lmao.

No, I don’t.

Because our school district is fucked.

I’m in the top 10% iirc.

Talk soon :slight_smile:

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Yes! High school can be stressing at time Due to H.W. we live to learn the difficult moment of our life and learn from them and queation it. - what can i do to change the way i think, the way i feel, how to motivate yourself to feel better within.

Love is a beautiful thing i can agree with you, take a day at a time no rush for love you have a whole life ahead of you for love, love comes to you, ehen looking for love thing’s just dont go your way, is a funny way of life how god has it ways of working mysteriously. Youll will find love sweety have patience, life your life as is, do what you love, maybe some art painting or drawing, having walks, see some scenary. In this world we have to find ourself to love ourself first to find what we are searching for to recieve love, and patience.

Thank you for sharinv your story

Hey @JediSurvivor

Almost weekend. Lol when we go shopping, we go shoppppiiing. We spent age’s wrapping gift’s yesterday. I love giving gifts. What have u asked your parents for Christmas ?
Do you have a Christmas tree?
Does it snow where u live?

That’s so cool you get to wear graduation outfits! Aah wish they did that here. Only if you graduate at a University then the grad outfit can be worn.

Do you get to wear a college jacket too? Those are so cool.

You’re doing so well and it’s good to hear u are more hopeful. Really proud of you. Keep it going. Remember you have got this. And also remember I am always here for you.

It’s very sad how much corruption can happen at school. Yes you are right. The influence a school has is huge and they do sometimes create really terrible people. But what goes around, comes around. It’s a universal law that exists. Sowing and reaping. You might not always get to see it but it happens. I tell my kids you got to where you are on your own merit because you worked hard for it. Not because of parents that get involved and all that nonsense. Remember those bullies, back stabbers, gossipers and even some of those popular kids all get thrown into reality when they leave high school. They are no longer the kings and queens they thought they were at school. And one day some of those bullies and some of those popular kids are going to come to you for a job and when you’re a world class game programmer they might even be like hey remember me we were at school together. How will you feel about that and what will you say. So excited, can’t wait to hear you next year tell me about your graduation.

Oh no way going to watch that nonsense Stranger things. That sounds terribly sad about your favourite character and how they portrayed depression and all that to win. It’s disgusting. I feel that when life gives you an opportunity and a platform to speak into people’s lives you better make sure you speak life and hope to people cause life can be so tough and people always need to be reminded there is hope and light in this darkness. One day when u programming and making those amazing games please remember the privilege of the platform you will be given and to use it wisely.

Aah I knew you are smart and at the top. That’s really awesome. Well done! What is your favourite subject?
So it sounds like your year starts July to July? Ours starts Jan to Dec with four breaks in between.

Those 2021 highlights are awesome. Such incredible talent and designs those Battlebots.

Aah that awesome that you have a best friend online. Well done on your friend for finding heart support. And well done on you for messaging on heart support. Look at how it has helped. How did you meet your best online friend? Via online gaming?

I played PUBG for a long time. It’s my most favourite online game. I miss playing it’s been a busy year so I haven’t had a chance to play much. Do you know the game?

Now I know you’re not a movie guy but one day when u are in a movie mood lol you got to watch at least one Transformer movie for me tell me what you think. Are you a big car fan? What is your favourite car?

Do you read a lot? Besides gaming and TKD is there anything else you do that you enjoy? Do you go to gym?

And back to the school thing do you write final exams and all that? How did you get into college? Did u have to apply with last years marks or how does it work? And how do the teachers treat you at school?

Chat soon :slightly_smiling_face:

Much love and hugs

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I really hope you’re right. I really do

I asked my parents for new headphones. I’m not picky at all about audio quality, but, mine are falling apart lmao. We do have a christmas tree, and, it used to snow more here, but it hasn’t as much recently (I live in New York).

I got a sweatshirt from Champlain. Now, I’m a little bit spiteful, well, more than a little bit, and my school does this “High school spirit week” things from time to time. My spiteful ass is wearing my Champlain hoodie on those days from now on, just a nice fuck you to the shitty high school I go to

People are real assholes in my school. Its a shame. My school lets people get away with way way WAY too much. But yet, you defend yourself, THEN its a big problem. Logic goes out the window when dealing with my school.

I love to see it haha. I related a LOT to Max. So, yeah, getting people to turn on this show is really satisfying to me. It feels like a mini victory, just a very slight bit of payback at these stupid writers. :slight_smile: . And yes, I would never work on a game where the story is fucked up like this. There’s a difference between having a dark ending and having a straight up fucked up ending. The difference is, for example, one Cobra Kai season had a dark ending, but it was clearly a setup for a redemption and a “get back up again” moment. What they did with Max in Stranger Things feels like a complete defeat. Its fucked up as hell. So, if I can cut even a few views off that show, I will do what I can haha

My favorite subject is probably math, but, I loved the programming courses I took obviously haha.
Our year is September to June, well, early september to the end of June. And then we have the American summer vacation.

Yes, they are. If you want to see something else amazing, look up Mixtape VS Hurt Caboose. Also, on the Battlebots side of things, if you want to see my favorite robot have an absolutely dominant display, look up Blip VS Valkyrie.

I met him through a ridiculous game called Cobra Kai Card Fighter. Its a now-abandoned mobile game. We were in a discord server with the community manager of the game, and myself and my friend constantly would be pitching ideas to this guy…and like, two of them total got into the game so that’s a minor win I guess. But even after that game was abandoned, we kept talking, we both like a lot of the same stuff (even if he’s still a Stranger Things fan :frowning: ). Lmao

I know the game. Its pretty cool, but, battle royales drive me insane. Some of my other favorite games I haven’t mentioned are Sifu and Doom Eternal. Check out gameplay for these two if you haven’t. They’re both FANTASTIC. I also like a game called Scrap Mechanic, which, with some mods and stuff, can let you build Battlebots, and there’s a whole group and we compete and stuff, its really fun.

Maybe one day I’ll get around to Transformers. Its been pretty busy. And with Battlebots starting soon (FINALLY), I’m gonna be wasting a stupid amount of time rewatching episodes when they start coming out because its just so entertaining. And no, I know next to nothing about cars.

I don’t read a lot, but, I absolutely love the Percy Jackson books. I am so happy its finally getting a TV show too! I did recently pick up both Way of the Cobra and Welcome to the Kumite by Sean Kanan, he’s an actor from Karate Kid 3, and he wrote these self help books. I’ve only read a bit of the first one, its pretty good so far. Besides gaming and taekwondo, uh, I make youtube videos sometimes.

Yes, I do have finals and all of that. You apply with last years marks and a personal essay. I wrote mine on how Tae Kwon Do has shaped (and saved) my life. Teachers in school are a mixed bag. Some are great, some…are my 10th grade chemistry teacher. Fuck that guy. He was a major prick. My 8th grade science teacher was one of the best humans I’ve ever met though, so, yeah, mixed bag for sure. I’d say this year I only have a major problem with two teachers. My gym teacher is a dick, and my Physics teacher, she’s not mean, she’s just…pretty incompetent.

Chat soon :slight_smile:


Hi @JediSurvivor

Its good to hear you feeling better. 10 days and still doing good.

I hope you get a really nice pair of headphones. Is it for gaming or music?

Wow - New York. It looks like such a cool place. You’re so lucky. Tell me you have been to all the landmarks? Have u watched Madagascar? Its an animated movie. That mentions NYC a lot lol. I didn’t know a lot about NYC so I goggled it and it looks pretty cool. The Central park looks amazing !! We live faaaar away from each other. I live in South Africa.

Lol about wearing the hoodie. You earned it and you wear it proudly at your school. As long as it doesn’t cause issues for you. Do you not wear school uniforms?

I thought your favourite subject was Maths. I hope you are proud of how smart you are.

How did you manage through COVID? Do you still have to wear masks? We’re done wearing masks thankfully since mid this year. We were not allowed to be without a mask once you had left the house.

Mixtape VS Hurt Caboose - crazy. I wonder how they managed to get such a small bot to managed releasing and it didn’t damaged itself. Crazy talent. Blip is so cool, give quite a good flip.

That’s really cool he used two of your ideas. Why was the game abandoned ? Like do you mean discontinued or did people just stop playing? its so cool you guys remained friends. Have you met in person?

Ok I will look at those games. Did you ever play Assassins Creed? And what about Black ops?

Percy Jackson. Aah my son loved PJ. I remember searching bookstores for his books for him. I’m sure he still has them somewhere. What Youtube videos do you make? Send me the link so I can see.

That’s so cool that you got to write an essay to help motivate it. I would have liked to read it, but maybe its too personal for you. Well done on getting in on your own merit and all your hard work.

Now I know you are not a movie fan but I just watched Avatar 2 and it was pretty cool, I enjoyed it.

Have you ever traveled out of NYC? Do you have a wish list of places you want to visit? Or is traveling not your thing?

How is therapy going, like have you managed to go to another session? Does the therapist know about heart support? How did you manage to get your parents to agree to it or was its someone suggestion to them?

Hope you have a good weekend.

Chat soon :slightly_smiling_face:

Much love and hugs.

P.s You are the genius here. Figure out how we can send a pic of our dogs lol

Hi again, sorry I haven’t responded, I’ve been swamped.

Gaming mostly, but, music too.

Parts of New York are cool. Its not as nice as the movies make it seem anymore though. The city is very very dirty. I used to love going there as a kid since I actually don’t live in the city. And wow, you do live far away. I’ve seen Madagascar.

No, we don’t have school uniforms.

Sometimes I don’t really give myself credit, especially when classes get really tough. I’m taking physics this year and my grades aren’t as they normally are and its for sure the hardest class I’ve ever taken.

We don’t have to wear masks, but, honestly, besides the actual virus itself, he time being home was nice. School was a lot less stressful at home. Oh well.

I have no idea. Mixtape is just a completely ridiculous thing made by one of the best builders out there. That flamethrower is designed for 30lb robots, and he managed to put it on a 3lb robot. Its crazy!

The game was abandoned because the devs got super lazy. It was a whole shitshow behind the scenes. My understanding is the publisher signed a contract that basically didn’t give them the power to actually make the developers do anything, so they just…gave up. I never met him in person, he lives in Poland.

I haven’t played either. The games I like are usually pretty out there. I have such a chaotic taste in games. It will go from like, Bloons TD6 to Doom Eternal. Very very different games haha.

Percy Jackson is wonderful. I make videos on Cobra Kai haha. Demetri Becomes the Hero | A Cobra Kai Tribute (+Season 5) - YouTube I’d say this is my favorite video I’ve made. I put a lot of work into it. Obviously, Cobra Kai spoilers!!

Yeah, its very personal, I’m sorry. I do appreciate that though. Besides that essay, I wrote an essay for english earlier this year basically just shitting on Stranger Things. And ya know, I got a 97 on that damned essay, so, I think it was pretty good lmfao.

Yeah, I’ve heard it was solid. I say that I’m gonna watch all these things, and then I rewatch Cobra Kai and Kenobi for the 100th time…oops. Glad you enjoyed it.

I have. I’ve been to a few really cool places. Traveling is cool. I’d like to go to Italy one day, since, well, my whole family is very very Italian.

I have another session on Thursday. I haven’t told my therapist yet. I basically had to tell my parents that I was going to fall apart if I didn’t get therapy. It’s helped a decent amount. It’s kept me alive at least.

So far this week the feelings of loneliness haven’t been so bad. I hope it continues this way. That being said, I won’t be truly happy if I never find love…but, in the short term, I just hope it stays bearable.

There’s a little picture icon. I’ll attach the pictures next time I type a message, I’m on my computer right now and all my pictures of my dog are on my phone.

Merry Christmas @JediSurvivor :christmas_tree::christmas_tree:
Much love and hugs

Merry Christmas! Did you see my response?

Hi @JediSurvivor

Sorry I missed your last response. I will reply to it now.

Look at you 21 days and counting, well done. So proud.

Ooh so gaming and music has swamped you? That’s good though. Means you are doing things that help lift your spirits. What have u been gaming mostly? I miss PUBG aaah the winner winner chicken dinner…sigh lol I really need to play again.

City’s are usually dirty unfortunately. Have u been to the park though? I asked about Madagascar because they mention a lot of NYC. I loved Madagascar.

Oh hectic no school uniforms. I think school uniforms have their place. They keep everyone on the same level at least. Less chance judging one another based on the clothes you wear. Think no school uniform brings more division and bullying. What are your thoughts on it?

Did you only take physics this year?

Yes I’m sure home was better especially if school is tough. But before u know it you are done.

I think it takes a genius to make battlebots lol

Back to games. I liked playing Call of duty but by the time I have gotten my scope right I have been shot already lol. I like the racing games like Need for Speed.

I saw the videos you made - very cool. You really seem to have a talent for technology, so looking forward to your first official game creation.

It’s ok I understand its personal. If you are keen on sharing the Stranger things essay I all for reading it.

Aah so you are Italian. I am half Portuguese. I have travelled to Portugal and the UK. Wish I could travel more. Which places have u visited?

How did the therapy session go?

Did you get the earphones you hoped for Christmas? How was your Christmas? Did you visit other family?

Do you think you’ll get snow?

What is your last official day of high school next year?

Do you do any sport at school? Sorry not sure if I have asked you.

Chat soon.

Much love and hugs

im sorry about whats happening,

just know you are not alone and there will always be a person that can help you. <3

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Its been a lot of schoolwork lately too. But yeah, I’ve been playing games. I just got into Elden Ring, its a lot of fun. I’m also playing a lot of Scrap Mechanic, that game is really fun.

Yes, I have. Its very nice.

You might be right. I don’t know really, because, well, we’ve never had uniforms.

I took physics last year, but this year is much much harder.

Yes, a lot of people who build really good battlebots are geniuses haha.

Thank you! Can’t wait to start working on games!

Maybe I’ll share it one day, I have a video on my channel that is a lot more…yelling, but it conveys the same points haha.

Christmas was okay, I got the headphones, but, some stuff is going on with my family so I only saw about half of them :frowning:

My last day of school is sometime in June. And no, I don’t do sports.

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Its hard to believe that sometimes, but everyone on here has been very supportive. Its very nice. I really wish I had someone to love and they loved me back, but, its really hard to find this :frowning:

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