Hello friends. For obvious reasons, this is a post I’ve been struggling to write for a long time now, so much so that I am writing this post under an anonymous name. I am a behind-the-scenes team member of HeartSupport, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself for feeling so ashamed about posting this. However, since my story is a little bit personal and mentions some details about my home life, my anonymity is probably for the best.
For almost 3 years now, I have been struggling with alcoholism. My father is a high-functioning alcoholic, and addiction runs in both sides of my family, so unfortunately I managed to inherit this addiction. I, too, seem to be a high-functioning alcoholic and tried working through it with a therapist for a year and a half but no progress ever came of it. So in February of this year, I had decided that I would drop my therapist (WOOPS) and take the entire month of March off from drinking. I also consulted my doctor and would finally begin weaning off of my quetiapine medication for my bipolar disorder this same month. And to my disbelief, I actually freaking did it!!! I went a full 31 days without a single drink, and I was able to wean myself off of my medication completely.
Just as my therapist predicted during my final session with her, I relapsed after my dry month and went right back to my old habits. I do have “rules” set for myself about my drinking, such as the time of day I’ll allow myself to drink. However, if there is alcohol in my house, I will drink it, and keep drinking it, until I feel sick/full or until there is none left in the house, whichever comes first.
Unfortunately, my partner tends to have this same habit, but doesn’t see it as a problem. I tried to go through my dry month with him, but there were 3 different occasions where I would walk downstairs from my home office after getting some work done, and he’d be passed out on our couch, and I’d find that he had poured his beer into a cup so it could be concealed.
When I tell my partner I need help with my alcoholism, he tells me I’m not an alcoholic. And I think he only says this because he knows that if I’M an alcoholic, then he certainly is, too. His parents drink daily too, and they chalk it up to “being Irish” - I have tried so many different ways to ask for his support, even with the help of my therapist, and I can’t seem to get through to him.
Even when I do get back to seeing a therapist again, I worry I will once again become stuck from my lack of progress due to my infuriating lack of support at home.
I’m feeling a little stuck and lost. I’m starting to notice the long-term effects of alcoholism taking a toll on my body both physically and emotionally, and I don’t want this to ruin my life more than it already has. Thank you for reading <3