If you asked me twenty five months ago what it means to be happy I wouldn’t know how to answer you. I’ve had a really hard time with some very destructive behaviors and two years ago I ended up in rehab. I used the whole time I was there, though I got one thing out of rehab. I saw how others valued themselves more then I did myself and felt very ashamed that I didn’t care about myself as others did. I was really upset with myself for not caring about all the damage I was causing myself. I decided when the scars healed enough I would get a tattoo so I stopped cutting to let them heal. After I got out (because the rehab closed down not because I was ready to start a healthy life) going back to everyone and everything from before was very hard for me so I went on vacation and ended up moving abroad for six months and got sober. I didn’t get the tattoo though I finally found something to live for and had a great job and knew what happiness was. Happiness was enjoying the moment and breathing easy. Happiness was being able to look someone in the eyes without thinking about how they would react to hearing about you having overdosed. Happiness was not getting stuck in your thoughts and letting them control you. Happiness was possible. But then I got injured at my job and everyone got worried I would relapse and I had to move back. Coming back was again very hard but I managed to keep myself pretty stable for a long time but things weren’t going great. My headspace wasn’t great. I felt trapped in my current living situation and didn’t know how to get myself out of it and the pain from the injury was still lingering and nothing seemed to help much and no dr seemed to take my pain seriously. After just over twenty months of me being sober I relapsed. And then just a couple days later during a bad high I ended up cutting again. It had been 22 months since I had last done that and I thought I never would again. I don’t know how to ask for help. On one hand I don’t want to get sober again it wasn’t worth it. All I want is to feel numb. I can’t believe I’m back here and I slipped up and I’m right back in the same place I was two years ago. Except now I know what it’s like to be happy. And that happiness doesn’t last and it’s a fight to find it all the time and to make it last. Happiness is fleeting and life is about finding those small moments to enjoying them and holding onto them so you get through the tough times. But I don’t know if I want that. I don’t know if I always want to be fighting to find a way for me to be happy. I don’t know what I want. But I know it’s not this. This way that I’m feeling now. I don’t want this. But I don’t know how to make it stop.
Hey @Living. I’m really proud of you. Because if you’re ashamed you relapsed, it means taking care of yourself is important to you. And that’s something a lo of people need help with.
We all fall down sometimes, okay? We all do. And it’s okay. We can’t win all the time, we’re only human. Relapses happen, even after a long time. I know how you feel. I know how a relapse feels and how not knowing what you want feels like. Like you’re stuck.
But just because you fell on this bump, doesn’t mean your entire future has fallen apart.
I’m glad you found happiness, got to know it. If you had it, you can find it again.
Shame is human, it’s okay. Maybe you could alleviate a little by doing the things you wanted to but never got around to. Like the tattoo.
Asking for help can be hard, but I believe in you. You should find a therapist or another rehab place. Remember, sometimes we fall down and we feel low, and that’s okay. 
Adding up on what @Bvblover16 said. I am so proud of you for staying so strong for so long. We really can’t win all the time. But we keep trying, and that is the important part. I relate a lot to your feeling that you may not always want to struggle to be happy, because it is so incredibly difficult. It sometimes feels it isn’t worth it.
I don’t have a good answer to that. I don’t think any of us do. But that’s ok, because life is about figuring the answer out, together. One week, one day, one second at time.
We are with you @Living, I will keep you in my thoughts.
That’s quite a story my friend. It seems that you do care for yourself. Maybe more than you realize but that it’s just really hard letting go of what these things allow you to feel temporarily. The bad thing is, alcohol, drug abuse, cutting, all of these things are unhealthy outlets and can lead to a lot of health problems later that could leave you feeling full of regret.
I know it’s hard my friend. But you did it once! I believe in you. You can do it again! I know it won’t be easy. But if you surround yourself with healthy people and people who lift you up and encourage you, that can be such a huge help. A therapist that can help guide you. Maybe even a different rehab center.
Are there any local groups in your area that you can go to that can maybe help You as you build your way back up again?
I know it’s tough my friend but I know you have it in you to fight through this. You are so much stronger than you know. Set small goals for yourself. Reasonable small goals that will help you get to the bigger goal you want to achieve. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Try to find healthy outlets that make you feel good and focus on those things.
What kinds of things do you enjoy? What sorts of things make you feel good? Is there anything you are passionate about?
Be gentle with yourself friend. You matter. You are valued. You are important
- Kitty