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Im at rock bottom, im hurting and want to escape


#1

So things have gotten a lot worse progressivly. I feel like not many care about me. The past week ive felt really alone, numb, empty, achy and have had no energy at all. Ive been in a dark place and self harming has pretty much become an every day thing for me too and … my worst nightmare come to life one of my friends knows and she saw me burst out and start crying during school yesterday and she must have gone to the office and reported me. Yesterday after school my mother got a call from the school guidance office they told her I self harm. Now she only checked my arms and didnt find anything (because I cut places I can hide it better most of the time) but she sat me down for two hours and talked to me but I managed to talk myself out of the situation so she didnt believe it. Now… my friend also told a teacher and the teacher plans to make another report on monday to the office. If I dont stop the teacher in time another report will be made and my parents will get a second phone call. If that happens I cant hide it anymore. They wont beileve me and they will do a better check and see the cuts. That cannot happen. And im completely lost right now. I NEED to escape this. This is absolutely the worst time of my life I cant take it anymore, I feel like I cant fight anymore I have no strength left I cant do this. I so want to just commit suicide but im scared to die. Whats worse. Dying or living. Im terrified to live right now. I need a lot of love and support right now I cant handle this. This is awful im at a dead end. I feel like its the end of the world. And if my parents find out they think really badly of self harmers and people who have mental health problems. They wont be loving about it they will judge me and think Im a freak. This cant end well and I dont see any good coming out of this im so afraid. Im scared… I dont know what to do anymore I just want this to be over edit: and my mom thinks it would be an embarassment to the family to have a ‘problemed messed up’ kid like that and a humiliation to have a self harmer for a daughter (her words) so I dont want them to know… and think im a freak and a problem…


#2

It okay, first thing you need to is going to school therpyist, tell them everything going on and also they make it private so you mom wont know. Harm self is addition, is hard thing to stop repeating it self, but you can get better. It not going be easy, trust me none of this is your fault. It sad that some people are close mind about this stuff. You are not a freak, you brain is wired in the different. Trust me I felt the same way, I self harm myself and sometime punished yourself, because you feel deserved, but you dont, you upset and not thinking clear. Everybody get impulse is human nature and try to easy not in the best ways. Next when yoy feel that pain, instead of cutting, punch a pillow and or the bed, if you have to cry, then cry. Crying is nature and healthy way to deal with emition, again as guy, I dont amit to crying, but it body way dealing with pain in healthly and safe way. Also there tech to deal these issue, like medications, writing, and in some keep busy. I know hard to do that school or home, if you can try go out for walk or clean your room.

Overall, this not you fault, everyone has their melt downs and sometime we do stupids when we angry. Also, it okay to feel sad, it better to let you emitions feel, becuase fighing them make it worse. Overall, just take a deep breath and let thing go. RIght now this a new beginging for you and a new step of finding inner peace. Please try take care and love yourself.


#3

Hi cs15,

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this right now. That is so difficult to go through. But my friend, I’m going to be honest with you. If you are self harming at school I think you need help. Self harm is not something that we can easliy stop. It takes therapy, time, and reworking our brains to learn to cope with mental health and stressors in a healthier way. I know that your family is not supportive and loving when it comes to self harm and mental illness and I am so so so sorry about that. I know it seems impossible right now, but being honest about what you are going through is the best thing for you. Self harm makes us liars and makes us believe that death is better than living. But my friend, life gives you the possibility of help and of hope. Life brings joy and bright sunny days and good books and falling in love and achieving your wildest dreams. But right now, you are going to have to fight through a very hard time. But I promise you that it is worth it. Being free from self harm is so worth it. And that freedom from self harm starts with not keeping it a secret anymore.

And I want you to know that I’m not just saying this. About 5 years ago my sister saw my fresh self harm marks and she told my parents. I was furious at her. I thought “how could she?” And I thought my life was over. My parents did not take it well. They said some horrible things to me. Things that still need healing in my heart. I still feel like the disappointment because of everything. But with that being said, I have found that my best friend are like my family. They helped me so much. Also, eventually my therapist talked to my mom and my mom was able to see that what she was doing was unhealthy. It was a long hard road but my parents now have a better understanding of my depression and why I self harmed. I remember that I wanted to die too when my parents found out. But you know what? My worst nights do not compare to my best days. There is freedom in healing. There is freedom in life. Hold fast, we believe in you.
Cassie


#4

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. My whole life I lived in my brothers shadow and was the problematic messed up kid, I cut, got put into foster homes, all kinds of crazy. My family kinda disowned me because I wasn’t as good as my brother. Why do I say all this? To show that I understand and know your pain very well. I know that you can get through any criticism anyone gives you. I’m trying to teach myself that. Just reading this I can tell how strong you truly are, please hold onto that, and don’t let go. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem