this is my first serious attempt to get some help. I am at the beginning of my twentys and have no Idea how to go on anymore. Five to six years back I got really suicidal for a year or so, but didn’t ended my life. Since this time my life isn’t getting any better. Objectively I have mostly all I ever wanted. I’m studying my favourite topic and it is fun, although I can’t real fun anymore. People that I love are sourrounding me. I cut off any toxic relationship and I am not struggeling with any money issues or serious health issues.
It is hard to discribe but there is no real feeling of any fun, happiness, rest, chill or other good feelings. But on the other hand side its mostly equal to bad feelings. Real feelings that touch my haert are so uncommon to me, that I could’ve forgetten them.
There is just one exception: My friends. In my really suicidal year all I could think about was ending things. Somehow some people could show me that I wasn’t all alone. They took care of me although I never told them how I felt. I love them for this and some more people share now place with them.
Coming back to my feelings. the only feeling I really have is worrying about my friends. I don’t care what is happening to me, as long as they are alright.
Besides that I’m living day by day feeling alone, stressed with no reason. The only reason I can’t end things is that I have sworn to never make my friends sad. They are the reason and I was okay with this life, at least until last christmas.
Since christmas I’m getting more serious into my depression. My thoughts are filled about death. Unfortunately I get serious panic attacks since three Months. I don’t know if there is any trigger but i didn’t found out yet. It is driving me mad getting feelings of dying and the most cruel anxiety of my life in seconds and staying in me for minutes. At least it stayed so short until this morning. I got panic attack after panic attack, I couldn’t sleep more then four hours. And some voices in my Head are just yelling at me. They yell at me in years but it gets worse everyday. I tried to push them out, but I can’t. “Everyone hates you!” is the core of what they say, sometimes I start to believe.
I am really sorry that it is maybe a bit unstructured, but hopefully you can imagine what is going on inside me. I told two of my closest friends maybe half of this, but I am not comfortable talking about this with them (they shall not worry about me, I am not important enough to be worried about).
I can’t go my life further as I did before, all the voices and the feeling of nothingness is to much, but ending is not possible. I just don’t know anymore or anything.
Thanks for reading.