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I'm at the end and do not know, how to go on in life

Hey Guys,
this is my first serious attempt to get some help. I am at the beginning of my twentys and have no Idea how to go on anymore. Five to six years back I got really suicidal for a year or so, but didn’t ended my life. Since this time my life isn’t getting any better. Objectively I have mostly all I ever wanted. I’m studying my favourite topic and it is fun, although I can’t real fun anymore. People that I love are sourrounding me. I cut off any toxic relationship and I am not struggeling with any money issues or serious health issues.

It is hard to discribe but there is no real feeling of any fun, happiness, rest, chill or other good feelings. But on the other hand side its mostly equal to bad feelings. Real feelings that touch my haert are so uncommon to me, that I could’ve forgetten them.
There is just one exception: My friends. In my really suicidal year all I could think about was ending things. Somehow some people could show me that I wasn’t all alone. They took care of me although I never told them how I felt. I love them for this and some more people share now place with them.
Coming back to my feelings. the only feeling I really have is worrying about my friends. I don’t care what is happening to me, as long as they are alright.

Besides that I’m living day by day feeling alone, stressed with no reason. The only reason I can’t end things is that I have sworn to never make my friends sad. They are the reason and I was okay with this life, at least until last christmas.

Since christmas I’m getting more serious into my depression. My thoughts are filled about death. Unfortunately I get serious panic attacks since three Months. I don’t know if there is any trigger but i didn’t found out yet. It is driving me mad getting feelings of dying and the most cruel anxiety of my life in seconds and staying in me for minutes. At least it stayed so short until this morning. I got panic attack after panic attack, I couldn’t sleep more then four hours. And some voices in my Head are just yelling at me. They yell at me in years but it gets worse everyday. I tried to push them out, but I can’t. “Everyone hates you!” is the core of what they say, sometimes I start to believe.

I am really sorry that it is maybe a bit unstructured, but hopefully you can imagine what is going on inside me. I told two of my closest friends maybe half of this, but I am not comfortable talking about this with them (they shall not worry about me, I am not important enough to be worried about).
I can’t go my life further as I did before, all the voices and the feeling of nothingness is to much, but ending is not possible. I just don’t know anymore or anything.

Thanks for reading.

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Hey Marxus
Thank you so much for feeling that you can share your thoughts here with us. I am so pleased that you are now at a place where you feel you can look for some help because it sounds like you have been through such a lot and we all need to ask for that help sometimes.
Can I please start by saying that you most definitely ARE important enough to be worried about, your friends obviously love you very much and you are a very valued and special person who deserves the best that life has to give and that is not a generalized statement, I mean that with every part of me.
My sense on what you have written is that you went through a seriously bad time and thankfully came through it but since have not felt much happiness or perhaps a sense of numbness when it comes to positivity since that time? I can relate to that as for a long time after some dark times in my life I shut down my feelings, I don’t recall doing it on purpose but it happened and I put it down to trying to protect myself from going back to the place that I had come from, kind of like a place of safety where its best to feel nothing than fear of feeling the wrong thing. I don’t know if that is what is happening with you, its just something that came to mind whilst reading your post.
Also it would be a very good idea to explore this further with an expert, a counselor or a therapist who can really talk you through your feelings and fears to work out why you are having your panic attacks and bad thoughts and what can be done to help. Have a chat with your Dr, they will put you in contact with the right people.
You do not have to do this on your own and you deserve to live for yourself not just for your friends.
Post here anytime and please keep us updated. You have friends here now.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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