i came to the realization that no one else is to blame but myself. im the reason my parents are strict, im the reason im constantly thinking negatively, im the reason my life is like this. my parents are strict because of actions ive done in the past and present and possibly the future. im not sure why, but i always find trouble and always get into it…
i often catch myself asking god, “why me? why do i have to do what i do, think what i think and feel what i feel?” its funny, how im asking these type of questions to someone i dont even believe in, i stopped believing in god because if god existed and loved us all, why would god decide to make me want to end my own life?
yes, i realize ive messed up in the past and the recent present… i regret a lot of the stuff ive done and its very difficult to have a “whatever happens, happens” attitude when all i ever think about is the actions ive chosen and the consequences thatll follow. i overthink everything and wonder what wouldve happened if i did things differently. i wish i could go back a few days and redo everything and chose the first thing i thought.
i hate myself. i hate myself so much, and its to the point that i feel like a failure or a disappointment at my moms, my dads, and even at school. i dont want to go anywhere, i just want to go away and runaway from everyone and everything.
i love my parents, yes. do i miss the relationship i use to have with my dad? yes, i do. do i regret all the mental and emotional pain ive caused him because of stupid mental breakdowns? yes, i do. am i ever going to get the old amount of love and respect as well as trust back? no. i wont.
normally, i look forward to going back to my moms, but im not because of the fact that i want to go away from everyone. im not looking forward to the lectures or any of it… i just dont want to exist anymore.
im not sure what else to write, or what else im feeling right now… but i want to keep writing because its distracting me from my 6th on-coming mental breakdown…
ive messed up so much in the past couple of years… its a lot to make up for, and its a lot of pain and regret… ever since friday night, ive thought, “would anything major change if i were to end it?” the answer, no. nothin major would change. just the lack of punishments and stupid teenage mistakes that i cant fully make up for.
all i know, is that i absolutely hate myself. i might do another update later today when im free, but im not sure what else id be able to get out and off my chest.