Im back and i dont know what to do with myself

[eren_thetransman]

i came to the realization that no one else is to blame but myself. im the reason my parents are strict, im the reason im constantly thinking negatively, im the reason my life is like this. my parents are strict because of actions ive done in the past and present and possibly the future. im not sure why, but i always find trouble and always get into it…

i often catch myself asking god, “why me? why do i have to do what i do, think what i think and feel what i feel?” its funny, how im asking these type of questions to someone i dont even believe in, i stopped believing in god because if god existed and loved us all, why would god decide to make me want to end my own life?

yes, i realize ive messed up in the past and the recent present… i regret a lot of the stuff ive done and its very difficult to have a “whatever happens, happens” attitude when all i ever think about is the actions ive chosen and the consequences thatll follow. i overthink everything and wonder what wouldve happened if i did things differently. i wish i could go back a few days and redo everything and chose the first thing i thought.

i hate myself. i hate myself so much, and its to the point that i feel like a failure or a disappointment at my moms, my dads, and even at school. i dont want to go anywhere, i just want to go away and runaway from everyone and everything.

i love my parents, yes. do i miss the relationship i use to have with my dad? yes, i do. do i regret all the mental and emotional pain ive caused him because of stupid mental breakdowns? yes, i do. am i ever going to get the old amount of love and respect as well as trust back? no. i wont.

normally, i look forward to going back to my moms, but im not because of the fact that i want to go away from everyone. im not looking forward to the lectures or any of it… i just dont want to exist anymore.

im not sure what else to write, or what else im feeling right now… but i want to keep writing because its distracting me from my 6th on-coming mental breakdown…

ive messed up so much in the past couple of years… its a lot to make up for, and its a lot of pain and regret… ever since friday night, ive thought, “would anything major change if i were to end it?” the answer, no. nothin major would change. just the lack of punishments and stupid teenage mistakes that i cant fully make up for.

all i know, is that i absolutely hate myself. i might do another update later today when im free, but im not sure what else id be able to get out and off my chest.

[Sita]

your parents love and care about you, we love and care about you.
the world would definitely be affected negatively if you left us.

Teenage years are hard for many of us, it’s when we learn and grow the most. It’s when we make mistakes, big and small. Your mistakes don’t define you, your mistakes are moments to learn. If the consequences were not what you wanted, then use the lesson to make different choices in the future.

You’re being hard on yourself. Having a mental breakdown is distressing and scary. No-one blames you for that.

Can you try opening up to your family in a safe space?

You matter, and you have a lot to explore and discover. Stay with us, and let’s see how we can go through the journey together. You’re loved.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey @eren_thetransman

Thanks for your post
I am going to start with the part of your post where you mention your breakdowns! You are not to blame for those, they have happened to you and I hope that you have managed to get some help for what is happening in your life so that you can manage whatever is causing them? No one chooses to have a mental breakdown anymore than they choose to have arms and legs, but hopefully you can recognize what is triggering you and your parents, friends or medical support are helpings to stop them reaccurring? I send all my love with that and if you are not getting help please talk to someone about getting that help. I dont know why this situation is happening to you all I do know is that there are people out there who can help you help yourself with that life can improve and you deserve that.
With regards to your parents, your behaviour and them being strict, you have really answered your own questions, if you behave a certain way you have to accept the consequences as long as those consequesces and reasonable. You mention that you love your parents and dont mention anything bad so im assuming that your punishments were fair? it must be very hard being a parent, wanting your child to have freedon to grow but being frightened that they are going to get hurt or hurt somone else and get into trouble, it also cant be nice having to punish someone you love when all you want to do is give them a hug and say dont do it again? Its our way to learn how do to things correctly thats all. if you had done everything differently you would have done everything right and that would make you perfect and no one is but I understand your reasoning.
At the end of the day you are human, you have made mistakes, you have messed up and you I am sure have learned many a lesson in the process and that is ok. Every single one of us do that in varying degrees, you have nothing to feel bad about.
Take a breath, apologise to your parents if it makes you feel better and carry on with the knowledge that you have. The worst thing that can happen is that you never learn from your mistakes. Take care my friend.
Much Love
Lisa.

[DiscordReply]

From: Ash

eran_thetransman I know that you feel like all of this is your fault. That you need to go back and apologize for everything. I am so sorry that you are struggling with all of this. It is extremely tough to deal with mental health issues and all things that come along with that. I want to say that sometimes we need to find reasons to know that we arent at fault for everything we sometimes make choices and our lives are effected. Let me use this if you chose to eat a whole pizza for dinner and not save any for another meal its small and going back it may not change when that would have been eaten. Or you could end up still hungry. Just know that no matter what you do it isnt all on you. Asking why and trying to blame you wont help solve things. Just know that please reach out to us. We are here and we get it. I have personally dealt with this idea of feeling like it is all on me and I need to take that blame but when you and I do that we dont realize what the others around us have done to cause more harm. So let me ask you this what actions interms of strict parenting have your parents done and what is the effect that has had on you. Like tell me has it upset you. Made you miss out on something what choices did they make that you had no control to stop. I am always here to help. Your post really spoke to something I am working with in my own therapy sessions.

[DiscordReply]

From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi eren_thetransman I am so sorry. I am sorry you are feeling like that. People make mistakes and it is ok to make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. Remember it is NOT your fault. It is not. You are as valuable as your siblings. You are not a lesser child you are a very good self councious kid who loves their parents. It is your dad that is wrong. You should not be punished for being you. I know it is hard to see that you are not the one that is wrong but it is the case. Please talk about this with your mum. tell her how you feel. You are amazing ok. There is no reason you should be feeling this way and you need help to get out of the mindspace you are in. Please ask your mum for support. I would love for you to be happy

[DiscordReply]

From: SuchBlue

Hi eren_thetransman,

You have no reason to feel like you’re the bad person here. You’re suffering the consequences of somebody else, and you shouldn’t hate yourself for that. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that you should hate your parents either. You might’ve messed up but that shouldn’t hold you accountable for everything has happened to you. If you feel like you should open up to your parents about this, then nobody’s stopping you from doing so, but I do understand if you feel like that isn’t the best option. Having a mental breakdown is not committing a crime, it’s not something that you should get punished for. You’re being too harsh with yourself, so take a deep breath, calm down, and remember that you are loved.

[Rat_Mommy69]

I understand. I haven’t always been the best friend or even child. Sure you can think about what you could have done differently but that’s not important anymore. You need to focus on what you can do now and the take steps to not fuck up.