I havenāt posted in a long timeā¦
Maybe that was a good thing.
I regret to say that im posting once again.
So little background story:
I have struggled with depression for a very long time. Sometimes with depression, self-harm comes along and in which I have also done throughout the years as a ācoping mechanismā.
About six months ago things changed. I had just discovered a band that literally changed my life forever. I am forever grateful for this band. This band is called HIM (His Infernal Majesty). I was so compelled to listen to Join Me In Death and I am so glad I did. My mental health was still confusing then but it got way better when discovering all of HIM. This band helped me through a lot of stuff. Stuff that I really just now realized. I used to be the most anti social person and now I am far from that. Right after my discovery of HIM I then started a fan account for the band (more so the lead singer, Ville Valo tho) and through that over the span of many months, I have met so many truly wonderful people in the fandom and a bunch of other really nice people just there.
HIM just really aided in my mental health.
Its been months since that special event happened and I feel my mental health has been slipping more and more. Now im still madly in love with HIM, its justā¦ its just i put everything I have into that band. All my emotions and energy went towards that band. That band is literally the only thing that makes me happy. Im so dependent on HIM its not even funny.
Im not sure why my mental health has been slippingā¦ it could be because a lot of things; toxic household, toxic relationship, my past etc. Or it could be the fact that HIM isnāt a band anymoreā¦ :,(
When someone asks me āWhatās wrong?ā And I reply with āidkā I literally mean idk. I cannot tell you exactly whatās wrong because I really have no clue. Like especially right now, I feel absolutely nothing.
I feel nothing but I have heaviness. Its just really a cycle I have to live with. My depression comes in cycles and its so fucking tiring.
If you made it through all this rambling, thank you for taking your time 
6 Likes
A lot of people donāt understand the inability to pinpoint whatās wrong. Those who have depression, most of them, probably do. When this happens to me. When the depression exists without reason. I accept it and consider it to simply be my mental illness. Then comes coping.
Coping is different for everyone. Maybe it was HIM but thatās not the case anymore? Maybe itās not that your depression got better, but that you found something to cope with it that is gone/not working. I think itās important to search for as many things to cope as possible. I am bad at this. I too go all in on things. But I also am super aware of what Iām doing lol. Even if I know I need to expand my horizons, I sometimes donāt. I have a few things now, which is good, but yeah. Iām just hear to talk. Not sure I can help always, but I can listen.
My summary is, itās okay not to know. Search for expanded things to love, and maybe if possible and if itās something youāre willing to do. Go talk to a professional? My antidepressants never hurt me. š¤·
1 Like
Hello Beautiful,
Thank you for posting. I can relate to so much of this post. I think itās awesome that you found healing in a band. Music has such strength to offer people in hard times. Iām glad this worked for you for a time.
I can only imagine how you feel now that HIM is no longer a band. I have a lingering fear for when my favorite band retires (I very much enjoy Rammstein. Theyāre music/videos can be pretty controversial but their music literally got me through the worst part of my life so they are dear to me.), as all the band members are in their 50s and theyāve been tossing the R word around (retire). It scares me, I wonāt lie.
I recently discovered Low Roar through Death Stranding and I find them to be very calming. I listen to them almost constantly now. Iāve done this weird thing though where I am trying to keep them distant and not humanize them like I did with Rammstein, where I learned everything I could about the band. I want Low Roar to just be, I donāt want them to be Human if that makes sense.
When my depression started coming back I had the same confusion. Like I was just weighted down and didnāt know why. My enjoyment for everything faded out of nowhere. I think itās just the state of the world that brought my depression back. And I agree, it is very tiring.
Perhaps you can research other bands to listen to? I never listened to HIM, though I have heard of the band. Iām sure there is another group out there that can stimulate you the way HIM does. What other bands do you like? Hang in there friend. This too shall pass.
2 Likes
Thatās something you could have led with. It may sound silly, but you suffered a loss. The band was a really important part of your life, and now theyāre gone, and all you have to remember them by is their old music. Like @Sapphire said, you humanized them. They were there for you when you were looking for something missing in your life. It doesnāt matter that it was just a band; it was important to you, it spoke to you, you had a connection with it, and now all thatās gone, and that is reason enough to be depressed. Add in that all thatās waiting for you are the toxic relationships that you were escaping from in the first place, and your depression is really understandable.
I can sort of relate. I was legitimately sad when I finished the last episode of Mythbusters. Of course the show will live on in streaming media, but thatās just a memory. Mythbusters legitimized my love for science and math, and made them cool. It emboldened me to pursue an engineering career, to apply common sense before math, and to use colorful experiments to see if something would work instead of just working out simulations. Thatās what Mythbusters was to me. When it ended, I felt like Iād lost a longtime mentor. However, it was not a central part of my life or something I invested myself into; so I can only guess how much worse your pain is.
Itās okay to grieve. A loss is a loss, whether itās a pet goldfish or a loved one or your favorite band. Maybe you need less time to grieve a pet goldfish, but there will be a short period when youāre bummed out. You can grieve the loss of your favorite band in whatever way youāre comfortable with.
1 Like