I just found out that i’ve never been me. I’m always just what people want me to be. I think it’s mostly tied to me being extremely submissive and agreeable, which aren’t good traits at all, i get scammed easily, get abused easily…etc. or maybe i’m just dumb idk. But the big thing rn is my maladaptive daydreaming; i’ve never been able to be anything different than whatever is going on in my daydreams. There’s always a conversation going on in my head. For example, my accent depends on the convo going in my head; if it’s southern American, then that’s what i’m talking in, if it’s Scottish then that’s what i’m talking in. That’s messed up. I can’t control my daydreams, which gives them huge power over me. I’m already hanging by threads just trying not to kill myself, and now i’ve just been hit with this reality that i’ve never been myself. Who the fuck am I? I literally have zero interests in life; i’ve never been able to find something i genuinely enjoy. But I can sure as hell pretend. I’m tired of pretending, which is synonymous to living. I’ve tried to go through this alone, but it’s not working. I know i need professional help but I can’t afford it. And now that i’ve failed three tests in uni, i just lost what little faith I had left. I can’t take a break from university, there’s no option for that, and i’ve already failed three tests. Way to go. I’m very upset about it, because when it comes to the practical exam, i absolutely suck because of my anxiety. I’m not any better in the paper exams either. This will never get better. Why? Because there’s no way i could afford professional help for the next five to eight years. Because the anxiety keeps getting worse and worse; time doesn’t do shit. Because i keep finding out more reason to kill myself and why I just don’t fit this life. Because my death would be a financial relief for my family in the financial crisis we’re facing. Because I’ve got no one irl to talk to, well it’s not like i can actually talk , it’s all my fault. I literally made no progress regarding the anxiety and suicide, so why the hell should I keep not making progress? And on top of that my chronic pain disorder in my tmj is only getting worse by time; it’s developing into arthritis. Basically when i open my mouth, my tmj clicks painfully, so I can’t really talk much. And all that bullshit happened because of my anxiety. ( Anxiety gave me bruxism, which resulted in my terrible tmjD) what’s next? Another illness because of my untreated anxiety? Might as well, because what’s one more reason to kill myself.
Thank you for reaching out here. It sounds like you’re at the end of your rope and are coming to terms with a lot of hurt you have been carrying. You really are trying to balance a lot right now and it can seem like everything is working against you. When you already are having to fight tooth and nail every single day just to stay alive, it can be hard to find a point in continuing to fight. In continuing to live.
Finding out who we are is a lifelong journey. One that has many ups and downs and times where we may feel like we don’t even know ourselves at all. We may even feel like we’ve lost ourselves at times or like you’ve mentioned like you’ve never been yourself. Know that what you are experiencing is something you are not alone in. You may feel like you don’t know who you are right now or that you aren’t able to find anything that you enjoy, but this is just for this moment. In the context of the rest of your life this will have just been a season and no season of darkness can last forever. I recognize that it is much easier said than done and that it can be so very hard if not seemingly impossible to see past the darkness we are faced with, but looking forward and running hard to what you hope to become even if you don’t know what that is yet is so important because you never know what wonderful things could be in store.
You are most certainly not your struggles and you are certainly not better off dead. With so much pain and uncertainty it can be hard to see a point in any of this but all of us here are here for you. Although we aren’t with you in person, we still care just the same. We do believe in you and want to be a support for you in whatever way we can. This is a safe place to reach out for support and we will always be more than happy to encourage you and remind you just how important and wonderful you and your existence are.
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