I'm bitter and I hate being jealous and I hate [my] life

[sakurasangel]

Someone I know is getting a service dog and I’m jealous. I’ve wanted one for a few years. My mom doesn’t even think I need a service dog, just a trained ESA. She doesn’t think I need an animal to come with me everywhere. She probably things it is a nuisance. But I know that it would help me. There is a nearby place that I was going to apply for, but then my brother moved in with his psychotic dog. In December, we brought his dog to my sister, so now she is my sister’s dog. My brother is a dumbass and still thinks the dog is his- she isn’t. And nowadays I can’t even say the word dog when he is home without being shushed by my mother because he will get pissy and has anger issues.

I’m just so fed up and irritated that something that could SERIOUSLY help me is being hindered by my mom and him. Mostly him. My mom said that I may be able to get a dog in June/July, but that’s right before we will be moving. And then I can’t apply for the place here, since I wouldn’t be able to go there for training.

I’m just jealous because this is something I’ve wanted for a long time and my mother doesn’t even understand why it would be helpful. And yes, I have had many conversations about it with her. She uses the same excuse of “well I don’t think you should bring a dog everywhere” and it just makes me feel awful.

Ugh, I’m spiraling now.

I just… really don’t like my brother anymore. Occasionally we will get along but he is SUCH A PAIN. I get it that he has depression and addiction and yada yada yada he needs help but I want to be mentally stable too! It’s not fair! I am actually trying here and he is not!! He goes to therapy sometimes but is close to being kicked out/fired/ “discharged” as a client. I see my therapist and I take my medicine I shower and I wear my mask and don’t stay at friend’s for 3 nights in a row and I work AND am a grad student.

My mom won’t kick him out because she doesn’t want to “choose between children.” and he already thinks I’m her favorite. I hate my dad for doing this to us. I hate that he is the reason my brother has to live with us again. I hate that my dad is the reason my brother is a terrible person because he now has narcissitic traits because my dad is a narcissist. I HATE IT. I sometimes don’t feel safe in my own home! And i’ve told my mom that and her response is, “well, he is your brother” aka get over it.

God, I can’t stand it. I just… I want to say I want it to end but I know I’m not supposed to self harm and I’m not supposed to kill myself.

I feel… cursed. My existence is like a living hell and I’m cursed.

Edit: the place that I want to apply for to get a service dog trains emotional support animals as well. But it is a charity place because my family is poor and can’t afford to get a service dog like I’m sure the person I know is. I dont know where we will move to know if they will have a place nearby. I would be driving to this place weekly and its like an hour to an hour and a half drive that I’d be willing to make.

[leonafan000]

   Um..

I’ve been wishing I had a service dog…
too.

And my parents…
also…
go on about…
how we can’t get a service dog, we can’t even have a dog, I can’t even take care of my room and my self so how can I take care of an animal,
and then my sister and I always dream about a doggy who is really cute and is a little corgi who helps us with our anxiety. In real life, yesterday I almost had an anxiety breakdown I collapsed in the bathroom, hypervenatating. my sister said that what I needed to do was to hug a dog…

Also, some service dogs do not come from a place…
I know somebody with a service dog that didn’t even come from any certified place and she helped with anxiety anyway… and she was considered a service dog…

Also, I can perfectly resonate with feeling like your existence is a living hell and that you are cursed.
I feel like that especially on Fridays, and this week that I’m having, where everything went wrong.
I was planning to make a topic about it…

[DuckMakesThings]

Heya @sakurasangel Thank you so much for writing!

I am so sorry to hear that your mom doesn’t think you need a service dog. Have you asked your mom why she won’t let you get service dog by any chance?

I would also be irritated and fed up if I was in your shoes. Know that you are stronger than you think sis. You are one of the strongest people that I know so keep on fighting.

Once again, thank you so much for writing.

Stay strong and Hold Fast.

With Love

Ducky

[Jiwau]

Hey Sakurasangel,

I am sorry to hear that. Sometimes life is not always giving us a clear path to follow. Sometimes you need to take some more steps to reach your goals.

Is there no room between you and your mother for negotiation? I am sure that even if she shows this bitterness towards you that she does not hate you. We are all Humans and feel both happiness and sadness.

Take a few days off from this topic and try to rearrange a new meeting with your mother. Maybe she needs more reasons to be convinced to.

Best wishes and hugs <3
Jiwau

[legendofamaya]

Sakura, thank you for posting. This sounds like a really unfortunate situation to be in. When it comes to mental health, I feel like a lot of the older generations, such as our parents and grandparents don’t fully understand everything that is going on. A lot of them are stuck in their ways and don’t take the time to learn. I know I am constantly learning new things about mental health because it is such a wide spectrum.

I hear you that you talked to your mom, but have you thought of maybe having a mediator? It could be beneficial if you guys could go see a family therapist to talk things out with. Especially since they could also help supply valuable information and guidance on this situation. I know it can absolutely be frustrating to deal with someone who doesn’t see your view on things, has your mom gone into more detail instead of just

She doesn’t think I need an animal to come with me everywhere.

I don’t want to assume what you have and haven’t talked about with your mom, but all of this that you are bringing to the table here with the HS community was also conveyed to your mom? Have you done research about this topic and why it would be beneficial for you to have a service dog? Sometimes that can help you to prove your point and side of things. Also what does your therapist thing about your situation? Did they provide any useful information?

I’ve learned growing up and being through all the situations I’ve been through that it doesn’t matter who is blood related to you, it doesn’t give them a pass to treat you badly. It does sound annoying because it sounds like your mom is in a mindset of “he’s your brother, boys will be boys” type mentality. Which is absolutely not okay.

I want to throw in there, that I am proud of you. I am proud you are going to therapy, that you are taking your medicine, wearing a mask, taking care of your personal hygiene and doing well in school. Those are really big accomplishments and I am extremely proud of you.

Stay strong, Sakura. I am sorry you are having such a tough time lately. I am not exactly sure what to say about your position because as I got older I just cut all ties with all the toxic family members I had in my life and moved out. I know not all of us have that kind of opportunity to get away.

[nzkiwi442]

Hey there friend,

I’m really happy to hear you’re making such an effort to try and get the tools you need to help you live a happy and fulfilling life. I know it can be really frustrating when you think something would help a ton, and you just aren’t able to get it for some reason or another. You think you know what would help and you’re ALMOST there and something is just BARELY stopping you!

I suppose a question I have is why not move out? Why not work on putting yourself in a place where you are the one and only person in control of these sorts of things? I know it can be scary and intimidating at the start, but having that independence can be incredibly helpful! Maybe once the pandemic is over, you could explore living in the dorms for your school, that might help? Making that jump is well worth it in my opinion, as once you are in control of your life, you can make all the changes you need to make. (They allow service animals btw)

I understand that it’s frustrating to deal with a family member in this way, and I know you know this, but he’s definitely struggling 100% right now. Like you’ve mentioned, he has depression and addiction and what else, and pushing someone who has those things away wont make them get better, it just causes them to sink deeper into those struggles to seek relief.

It’s obvious you compare yourself to him, and sometimes it can be really difficult not to, but it’s important not to judge others from the outside. Sure, maybe you’re putting in all this effort, but maybe he is as well and it’s just not visible to you. Maybe he feels like he’s all alone in the house, because he sees you as your mothers favorite, so he always feels like you’re both against him. Maybe he feels happier at a friends place because he connects well with them. Maybe these addictions and anger are the only way he knows how to communicate because he was never given the language as a child. There are so many reasons he could be acting the way he is, and from the outside, it’s impossible for us to know why, so we have to make our best effort not to judge them, and compare ourselves to them.

Your mother is in a difficult spot here, because she’s trying her best to support both her children, and while he may be very difficult to deal with, pushing him away only makes things first. While it can be easy to make the comparison between him and your dad, it’s important to recognize that our parents are only a slight impact on who we are. Part of this is him too, and the thing with narcissism is if you fight them, they only pull into it deeper.

Maybe this is a controversial thing to say, and when I say it I mean it with all the care in my heart. I wonder if sometimes you see him as the reason you are where you are. Even if you’re not consciously blaming him for the difficulties you face, I’ve found in your posts that you have a lot of troubles with him “getting in the way of your life”. I remember when I was living in an abusive situation, I put a lot of the blame on my abuser, but I’ve recognized that I have to accept part of the responsibility myself, as I had the power to move out, and I wasn’t doing so. People can only do to you what you let them do to you to a degree. I let my abuser get away with it because I shrugged it off and said I was okay. I didn’t stand up for myself, and I blamed her so I didn’t have to come face to face with the idea of being alone, and moving from the area I’d spent most of my life in. I hid behind it.

When I say that, I don’t mean to place the blame on yourself, I mean that in the sense of recognizing the strength you have within you, and really exploring what you do have control over. I found out in my journey that I had the strength to move across the entire country alone, to a place I’d never lived before, without anyone there. That turning point in my life taught me so much about myself, and I’m honestly proud for all I’ve accomplished since then, and I didn’t really know I had it in me until I put my foot down and said enough was enough.

This isn’t the end here Sakura. Your life wont be like this forever. If there’s one thing that doesn’t change in the universe, it’s the fact that the universe is ever changing. Something will shift in your life one day friend, this isn’t permanent.

Best wishes, You know how to reach me if you want to chat

[sakurasangel]

to get a service dog, unless you’re an experience trainer yourself, needs to have a trainer so they will behave properly in public…

[sakurasangel]

we were supposed to see a family therapist, but they didn’t take our insurance. I suggested to her to find a new one, and she probably will.

I have done some research, but will probably do more. It’s silly, really. She is getting her nurse practitioner’s license in mental health but still thinks some of these things. Sometimes she acts as if she knows me better than I do. That’s simply not true. My therapist thought that it would be helpful and was/is willing to write a recommendation for me. I still struggle with my depression, with my suicidal thoughts, the urge to self harm… she doesn’t realize all of this.

I recently cut ties with my dad. Its just… hard because my brother hasn’t and he loves my dad so much. It can be pretty painful, actually. My mom just… wants my brother to behave but he won’t because he is selfish.

[sakurasangel]

I wish it were that easy to move out. I… recently realized that I’m actually afraid to live on my own. And… with the friends I currently have, I’m not willing to move in with any of them (not that they have the room). It’s actually something I’ve been working on, and have been going over with my therapist.
Besides the feeling of not being safe, there is also I wouldn’t be able to afford it without taking out more loans and I don’t drive and I don’t have a car. There’s just no logical way for me to move out…

Perhaps I do reflect my problems/troubles/anger on him… I just… I don’t know.