From pharos2356: It’s the holidays right now for me, I’m at home by myself and I can’t deal with my emotions. Usually it’s around this time of year I get really bad, and right now everything is a little too much for me
I can’t sleep, I’ve been staying up till 6am most nights, I’ve been starving myself of food and I just hate life right now. I feel so lonely, and though I promised my friend I wouldn’t ever again, I can feel another attempt brewing. I don’t want to be here, I’m not good enough for my parents, for my friends, not even for myself. It feels like I’m in a dream, I can’t remember stuff and I look so foreign to myself, it’s so hard to recogonise who I am when I look in a mirror. I relapsed recently and burnt myself with some matches, and I am calm while writing this, but I can’t go on. Every moment it’s like I’m on the verge of breaking down, I can’t get out of bed and I can’t stop crying. Helplines offer no support and neither does talking. I wish my past attempts had worked, I don’t want to be alive. It’s not that I want to stop feeling this way, it’s that I don’t want to be alive. The only thing keeping me here is that I don’t have a means, which could change very soon. I feel trapped
From pharos2356: I don’t want to be here==
I know the place you’re in. I’ve been there too. There are people who want you here and would be devastated to loose you. Even if it’s just one person, and even if that one person is a stranger on the internet, there’s still one person.
I hope you find the support to pull through! Thank you for sharing this struggle. That’s the first step out. Hang on, find support, keep being vulnerable. It will get better friend.
Sending a lot of hugs your way, friend. It’s been a while since you’ve posted, but I hope these holidays ended up better than it started for you. Seasons like this can be so difficult to navigate through. Somehow you’d expect during a time like this to find the possibility to rest and get some comfort, but even during holidays our struggles keep showing their ugly face, which hits even harder. I imagine how much being at home at the time must have added to the loneliness on top of everything else. It’s so hard when it feels like no one knows the depth of the pain you’re enduring, and no one has your back when you feel the most vulnerable.
You’ve been carrying so much my friend, and you absolutely deserve to have allies by your side during this painful season. I personally understand that heartbreaking feeling of being trapped in your own mind and body. To keep waking up to the same pain, the same thoughts, the same struggles overall. To end up wondering how long you can keep enduring a life that looks like this.
You certainly don’t deserve to hurt yourself, my friend. You absolutely deserve support, healing and care in the midst of all of this. To feel like taking tangible steps towards something better, no matter how small. To have your sense of hope being rebuilt from within.
I hope with all my heart that you will have the possibility to reach out within your close circles - to people you trust, or maybe even to a school counselor. You don’t have to carry all of this on your own.
I’m rooting for you.
-Marie-Anne
From pharos2356: Thanks everyone==========