Hey all. I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately and that’s just because I have a lot going on. I’ve been figuring a lot of stuff out and I’ve been feeling really empty and alone recently. It’s been getting easier and easier to get in my head about things and to spiral a bit. The other day I was ready to end my clean streak. I’ve been so scared that I’m gonna get told I’m faking it that I haven’t been vocal about it anywhere. I know isolating myself isn’t good, but it’s the easiest thing to do. I feel like nobody cares about what I do. I was having a mental debate the other day where I was contemplating what people would do if I just disappeared and didn’t come back. On one hand I know that people would miss me, but on the other I wonder if they’re just saying that. I’ve been so conflicted and confused as of late and I honestly don’t feel like I have many other options of where to go right now. My dad and stepmom barely talk to me unless they want something and when I’m with my mom I don’t notice the negative feelings very much. I don’t know guys. I try to be a bright light in the world, but I don’t feel like a light. I don’t feel anything really. I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I’ve built walls. I’ve built walls that are only starting to crumble. It feels like I myself am crumbling down with them. I don’t even know why I’m posting this message. I guess as a last ditch effort to maybe make sense of it all. But I don’t know. I’m just really done with all the emotions that I can’t explain. I’m done with getting hurt by the ones I thought cared for me. I just want the pain and the hurt to go away. I thought that my parents would listen and hear my cries for help, but I’m always met with “you’ll be fine”. I’m tired of not knowing how to deal with how I feel when the emotions just hit out of nowhere. I try so hard to help myself, but I can only do so much. I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know what to do.
I feel for you Sarah. As a “fixer” I’ve really struggled in the past when I felt a certain way and didn’t know what was causing it and how to “fix” it. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes you just feel a certain way and there doesn’t even have to be a cause or an explanation for it. It’s ALWAYS okay to feel. You have the capacity to make it through this and you’ve got a community here that cares about you.
I’m sorry Sarah.
My heart aches for you. I hate seeing you hurting so much my friend. I know that you say you don’t feel like you are a light. But YOU ARE. You are such a light in this community. You are loved and cared for my friend. More than you may realize. I know sometimes it’s hard to feel that way when you are lost in dark emotions.
But I understand all of these things you express because I too often battle with these same exact thoughts. And I’m really sorry that you are hurting so much. I wish there was something that I could do to lift all of this pain and darkness off of you and make you feel better.
Just know that I care about you. I want you to feel better. And I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more recieving of you when you try to go to them. That makes me sad.
I am thinking about you. And I am hoping and wishing that you are able to find some peace and comfort through all of this. You do NOT have go at it alone. We are here.
- Kitty
Maybe, you want to feel alive. You want help, you want to feel welcome.
And, …you’re welcome here. You are safe here.
Sometimes we need changes, new places.