Hey all. I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately and that’s just because I have a lot going on. I’ve been figuring a lot of stuff out and I’ve been feeling really empty and alone recently. It’s been getting easier and easier to get in my head about things and to spiral a bit. The other day I was ready to end my clean streak. I’ve been so scared that I’m gonna get told I’m faking it that I haven’t been vocal about it anywhere. I know isolating myself isn’t good, but it’s the easiest thing to do. I feel like nobody cares about what I do. I was having a mental debate the other day where I was contemplating what people would do if I just disappeared and didn’t come back. On one hand I know that people would miss me, but on the other I wonder if they’re just saying that. I’ve been so conflicted and confused as of late and I honestly don’t feel like I have many other options of where to go right now. My dad and stepmom barely talk to me unless they want something and when I’m with my mom I don’t notice the negative feelings very much. I don’t know guys. I try to be a bright light in the world, but I don’t feel like a light. I don’t feel anything really. I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I’ve built walls. I’ve built walls that are only starting to crumble. It feels like I myself am crumbling down with them. I don’t even know why I’m posting this message. I guess as a last ditch effort to maybe make sense of it all. But I don’t know. I’m just really done with all the emotions that I can’t explain. I’m done with getting hurt by the ones I thought cared for me. I just want the pain and the hurt to go away. I thought that my parents would listen and hear my cries for help, but I’m always met with “you’ll be fine”. I’m tired of not knowing how to deal with how I feel when the emotions just hit out of nowhere. I try so hard to help myself, but I can only do so much. I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know what to do.
I feel for you Sarah. As a “fixer” I’ve really struggled in the past when I felt a certain way and didn’t know what was causing it and how to “fix” it. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes you just feel a certain way and there doesn’t even have to be a cause or an explanation for it. It’s ALWAYS okay to feel. You have the capacity to make it through this and you’ve got a community here that cares about you.
I’m sorry Sarah.
My heart aches for you. I hate seeing you hurting so much my friend. I know that you say you don’t feel like you are a light. But YOU ARE. You are such a light in this community. You are loved and cared for my friend. More than you may realize. I know sometimes it’s hard to feel that way when you are lost in dark emotions.
But I understand all of these things you express because I too often battle with these same exact thoughts. And I’m really sorry that you are hurting so much. I wish there was something that I could do to lift all of this pain and darkness off of you and make you feel better.
Just know that I care about you. I want you to feel better. And I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more recieving of you when you try to go to them. That makes me sad.
I am thinking about you. And I am hoping and wishing that you are able to find some peace and comfort through all of this. You do NOT have go at it alone. We are here.
Maybe, you want to feel alive. You want help, you want to feel welcome.
And, …you’re welcome here. You are safe here.
Sometimes we need changes, new places.