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I'm cutting right now after 1 & 1/2 months cut free

I just want to end it again. I’ve been cutting for 3 years I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for the last 3 years. The last 2 years of my life I was on 7 different medications at a period. I lost my dad 2 years ago. I’m a junior who’s dropped out after being 2 years behind in credits for school, my freshmen year was very dark and cloudy. There was a week my freshmen year I just didn’t want to put up with myself so I had 3 bottles of 30 mg adderall pills and then within 3 days I’d taken 93 30 mg adderall capsules trying to overdose at the age of 15. The next week was terrible I was constantly sick throwing up. I’m just horrified of myself and I just want to die right now :frowning:

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Dude let’s just chat for a bit my snapchat is zootownboy. I have many friends that are dealing with what you’re going through and it will definitely get better for you.

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It definitely won’t get better

@Xanny,

Friend, you have a lot of reasons not to feel okay and I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much pain. I hear you, I feel what you shared. There are moments like now when we think we can’t handle this as our minds are only surrounded by negativity. But you can go through this friend. You will. I know it’s hard. It’s insanely difficult. But I’m sorry I can’t help but believing in you.

I hope you managed to take care of you since you posted this, to heal your wounds. Please don’t lose sight of the fact that a relapse doesn’t cancel what you’ve done until now. It doesn’t make you a failure. And somehow relapse is often part of recovery. Your progress is yours, always. It won’t disappear. Being 1 month and a half cut free is a.w.e.s.o.m.e. And I know that right now it certainly doesn’t feel like this at all, but what you accomplished recently is a victory in itself. It makes you stronger.

I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Grieving someone you love is a long and heavy journey. And it can have a higher impact on us than we thought at first. For the past 3 years, I’ve also lost people in my family whom I love dearly, including my oldest brother and the only grandma I ever have. They were beacons of light in my life. Some days I still wake up and realize they’re not here anymore, like it’s the very first time I’m aware of this and it breaks me. But you know Xanny, you and I are still here. And even though we have to carry on this love by ourselves now, we can still share their story with others. We can still let this world know who they were to us, whether it was good or bad, as long as their lives had an impact on us.

It breaks my heart to hear what you’ve been through. And I don’t have enough words to say how glad I am for you to be here now, even if it’s selfish of me to say this. Despite everything, you’re here. This is important. You are important.

Days can be brighter again, even if it doesn’t feel like this right now. Really. There is always growth in the toughest times. And sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can get back on our feet. I’m not saying this to be kind or for the pleasure to write. This growth applies to you. There is hope for you. But if you’re not ready to rise again for the moment that’s okay. It’s okay to rest, to take some time to breath and acknowledge what’s going on. And we can stay sit as long as you need. Just know that you’re not alone and you won’t be alone in this. Not now, not ever.

If you feel comfortable enough, keep writing here as long as you need. This place is yours.
Also my DMs are open to you of course.

Hang in there friend. You are loved always.

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Hi friend. Sounds like you have a lot of heavy things on your plate. I’m really sorry that you are struggling. Losing a parent is never easy. Or anyone for that matter. It’s something you just never forget. It takes a long time to heal.

There is a community of people here who care my friend. So never feel like you have to go through this alone. I know sometimes in life, when people aren’t right next to us that it can feel like we’re completely alone, but we care. Even if it’s from the other side of a screen.

For many years I turned to self harm for release from the pain I was fighting. So I get it. But I can assure you it won’t help in the long run. It’s a unhealthy temporary fix. Friend, be gentle with yourself. I know you are going through a lot of pain and hurt right now. And while I can’t perfectly understand your situation I don’t want to see you hurting yourself. ):

You are important and you matter. Everything that you are fighting through and experiencing matters. Like micro said, days can be brighter. There is light in all of this darkness. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Life throws us obstacles and they feel so impossible to overcome

But if you ever need to talk about those obstacles , know that you are always welcome to talk here, in the discord in the #realtalk thread or in DM. You have a friend that cares.

Much love to you sweetheart

  • Kitty
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