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I'm devastated.... its hard to put these thoughts to paper


#1

I’m writing this the day after I received an email from my girlfriend that we are no longer together. This I think is the final nail in a very long coffin of self doubt, loneliness, and suffering I’ve had for the last 15 years. But to talk about all of this, I need to start at the beginning of when this all happened. I will also go into quite a few things ahead so warning, if you or anyone else who has been through trauma or thoughts of suicide please don’t read further.

These last four weeks for me have been a living hell. Not only have my thoughts been those of you won’t be enough for anyone/you aren’t meant to be for anyone have been creeping in my head for the last 4 weeks as well as my depression has been a huge factor in all of this. I have experienced many trauma with people of the opposite sex. Why did I keep going with it then if I knew it would end like this? The answer is simple, it’s because I’ve been shown a twisted version of love. My parents have told me how to love others but I honestly don’t think I can right now nor will I be able to for a very long time.

I’ve lost my will to love life. I know that sounds weird but it’s true. When I was with her she completed me but now I’m just a sad and lonely man who will never know kindness. I’m up at 5:30 am this morning writing this because I could barely sleep. My heart was still being put back together and now its just sitting on the ground. The best way to describe this feeling is I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and was slowly being pieced back together. How it’s been sitting on a self, dusty, and it doesn’t want to be touched for a very long time.

Why is it that every time I want to do something great that I go and screw it up? I might be human but that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve love. But the truth is that I really don’t deserve love. I’m broken, sad, and most of all enveloped in suicidal thoughts that just won’t stop. I’ll probably stop posting to HeartSupport for a very long time now because of how all of this has transpired. I’ve touched many lives and now I don’t know if anyone can help a broken man out of the broken hellscape that has been left behind.

Thank you for listening. I don’t care if anyone replies to this post honestly but if you do thank you for reading the thoughts of a broken man.


#2

@PMacDanceDude, you may be broken, but you’re still here. I think anyone who has been strong enough to go on for all these years is worth something. My self-doubt makes me wonder whether I’m pathetic for talking to you, such a strong person who’s fought through 15 years.

You make mistakes, you fall down, but that’s okay. It might not be you who is screwing it up, but that particular situation might not be for you. Keep trying.
We’ll listen to you whenever you need, and we will be here to help stitch you back together. Don’t listen to the thoughts, they’re lying. You are a person worthy of note, despite your mistakes. Mistakes help you find the right path. They are not always a bad thing.
We’re here for you.

Stay strong,
Stephanie


#3

Hey @PMacDanceDude,

I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe your post is the follow up to your last post of your parents sending a note to your girlfriend’s parents? I’m terribly sorry to hear that it ended in tragedy. BUT with an end comes a new beginning. In other words (using a personal example), I was devastated when my last relationship ended last January. It was completely my fault, and I felt incredibly guilty. I felt like I didn’t deserve love and that I was better off single. Fast-forward a few months and I randomly met the love of my life. For all you know, someone even MORE compatible could be waiting for you around the corner. Hold on a little longer. Your time will come, I promise.

-Eric