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I'm disappointing

I don’t know where to put this, or even if I should post this.
Ever since the beginning of this year I’ve had a hard time to keep myself going, to keep myself motivated for the stuff I need to do, but also to keep myself motivated for taking care of myself. In the beginning I was just like: “Eh it will probably go over again like usual”, but it’s been getting harder and harder to keep going, to do things that are good for me, to keep myself on “the right path” if you will. School has been getting harder to keep myself motivated for. I’m slacking of with everything I do. I don’t do schoolwork anymore, because I feel like I can’t do anything right. I barely cook anymore because that means I have to go out and buy ingredients and do the dishes before and after. I barely go out because why would I? I don’t have a future whether I do go out or not. I know that I’m not helping myself by letting myself just waste away, but I don’t see why I would bother anymore… I don’t know how to explain it.
Before school became extremely difficult for me with motivation and everything involved, I had a map of things that I could do. There were a lot of different possibilities on that map, but now I think I lost it and I can’t even get the beginning of it back. I literally don’t know where to start building back up. You know that thing that people say “If there’s anything I can do, let me know”… I think it’s beautiful, but I wouldn’t know what to ask. I don’t know what I need or what would make things better. Yeah maybe taking care of myself would make things better, but what’s the point if I don’t even have a goal to live for anymore. And a goal might sound huge and maybe it is, but right now everything is just useless and hopeless.
And it’s not that I’m not trying to do things to change my mind or to make myself more positive, I’m trying so hard to say at least 3 things I’m grateful for every day, but it’s getting harder and harder to do that. If I’m completely honest, I’m starting to feel more and more like a fraught saying things I’m grateful for or things I enjoy. The feeling is fleeting. Once I was able to have a positive thought for days, it’s mere minutes now, if it even gets that far.
I go to bed with thoughts that I want to hurt myself or worse, have nightmares about it, wake up and am not able to get out of bed for hours because I’m scared of what I might do to myself and then finally get out, to have the same routine again when I have to go to bed again. I’m tired of that. But I’m also tired of fighting other intrusive thoughts. “You’re gonna be alone forever” “You’ve marked yourself and people don’t put their dick in crazy” “You’re crazy and you’ll amount to nothing” “Hey remember this weird uncle you have? You do know that the path you’re on, you’re gonna end up like him, right? Or probably worse because he at least had people around him that were able to care for him” “You’re ruining your entire future and you’re just letting everything slip to your fingers” “Don’t be a baby, act your age”
I know I shouldn’t think like that, I know I shouldn’t let these thoughts take over, but they’re too loud. And I’m just not strong enough to ignore them. Or “acknowledge them and give them a place” what does that even mean?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a disappointment. and before anyone says that I’m not I know that I am, I’m a disappointment to my family, the people that believed in me and also myself because I know I could do better and I should’ve done better. I’m just sorry.
Knowledge isn’t the same as actually feeling that something is true. Sorry.

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Hi friend. You are not a dissappointment. In fact you are a kind and important member of this community and I’m thankful for you.

I’m proud of you for sharing here I know it’s not an easy thing too do.

A few things. I think you’re amazing. You have an INCREDIBLE voice, you bring light and joy to people. You are wonderfully creative and you are kind and encouraging. I know that doesn’t change the way you feel about yourself but I hope it helps a bit.

I made an instagram post with tips on combatting negative self talk that I think might help. https://www.instagram.com/p/CN_JmeQpZxf/ It’s here! This is a dbt skill called managing your inner critic there is tons of stuff about it online as well.

Also your post inspired me to create an instagram post with some helpful tips to combat negative thoughts and reminded me of a song that has been encouraging me lately.

post: https://www.instagram.com/p/COJaXWUpcEA/

song: Spotify

Sending you tons of love

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I’m sorry for being a disappointment. and before anyone says that I’m not I know that I am, I’m a disappointment to my family, the people that believed in me and also myself because I know I could do better and I should’ve done better. I’m just sorry.

Well as you see, you’re not a disappointment for Taylor and I already. Our voices has to count. And whether you believe us or not, it’s not going to change the way we see you. You’re not a disappointment to us. We believe in you. This statement is in the present tense, not the past. That’s just how it is.

I love you and I’m proud of you as you keep fighting during your darkest days, as you keep reaching out even when you don’t want to. There is more strength in your heart than you credit yourself.

Knowledge isn’t the same as actually feeling that something is true.

Absolutely. But this inner divison is a sign of growth. There was a time, before you felt this, when you wouldn’t even condiser thinking differently. Your thoughts aligned with your beliefs, but in a negative and self-destructive way. Now, change is happening. And I believe this part of healing is probably the hardest one, even maybe the longest one. When you feel divided between what you feel with your heart and what you know with your mind, you’re in a double process of 1/giving up and grieving old patterns even if they’re still attractive; 2/moving forward to a place where your thoughts and beliefs about yourself will match again, but this time in a healthy and compassionate way. You’re building self-love as much as you are grieving these parts of yourself that you don’t need anymore. But it takes time to let go of them. It takes time to find safety and comfort in a different way to feel, especially when we’ve been used to believe lies about ourselves for a long time. Something we’ve learned for years can’t be unlearned in a couple of weeks. But you are on the right path, and you can lean on the knowledge that this inner divison is not a weakness. It’s growth.

@taylorpalmby shared some very interesting questions through the instagram posts. If you’re willing to give it a try, consider sharing your thoughts about it and your own results, here on this topic or on a different journal entry. You can see it as an exercise that would be done in a place where you are safe, among friends. You are allowed and encouraged to challenge this negative talk in a healthy way, to find your truth through all of this.

To add to the instagram posts, I’d encourage you to try to answer to the following questions whenever you identify a self-deprecative thought in your mind:
1/ Is this a fact or an assumption?
2/ What advice would I give to a friend who’d have the same thought about themselves?
3/ Is this thought helping me or serving me? (Easy triage: if the answer is no, you are allowed to acknowledge it then to respond “no, thanks”). This is actually related to what you said:

I know I shouldn’t think like that, I know I shouldn’t let these thoughts take over, but they’re too loud. And I’m just not strong enough to ignore them. Or “acknowledge them and give them a place” what does that even mean?

What it means is: try not to be judgmental regarding these thoughts. If you read again what you said, you’ll see that you already judge what you are supposed to think or not. You said “I know I shouldn’t think like that”… says who? These thoughts are part of you for now, and that’s okay. It’s how it is in the present moment. It would be an illusion to think that we can control our thoughts and emotions constantly. We just don’t function like this. Now, how you react to it, is what matters. “Acknowledge them” is the first step. It’s a process that helps you to say: “yea, these thoughts exists, so how I feel doesn’t come from nowhere!”. Then, what do you do about it? Do you choose to let it as it is and believe it, or do you want to choose to challenge it? That’s how you empower youself, again and again. And the more you do it, the more it will become automatic in the long run. At first it’s just laborious and feels weird because we have to go through this process of analyzing our thoughts, which can feel artificial. But it’s not going to be like this forever. As for anything else, it’s a learning process that requires to keep trying. You’re a musician. You know how it is when it’s about learning and practice. How practice, repetition and learning from our mistakes is the way to better ourselves and make a movement automatic, something we wouldn’t even have to think about in order to perform it. It’s the same here. Your mind is like an instrument, somehow. You don’t choose how it’s shaped, but you can learn to produce a different music with it. One that would be more loving and harmonious for your heart.

You got this. We believe in you. Be patient with yourself while you heal. :hrtlegolove:

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