Friday-I’ll put short terms Cobie my Friend was harassing a new student about how she was dating my ex when she wasn’t the New student told staff and the staff talk to me and cobie about what happened and cobie got harassment retrain on my ex and new student the same night cobie yelled at me calling me snitch and that i told on him and that it’s my fault and I wasn’t the one who told the new student want to the staff and the staff come up to me i dont go up to him (Side Info:I found this new student was the one that my ex was cheating on me for I told her no hard feelings and just wanna be friends) because of me being friends with cobie she don’t wanna talk to me now and staff told her not too
Saturday:I just stay in my room almost all day wasn’t feel good after friday but I was on facebook and I had a fight with my 2 sister about my past I told a lot what going on and what my father did to me they told me “that he don’t do that” but HE DID they didn’t see him thoughout the year after they left home for college and stuff and even my sister coren agrees with me that he did change thoughout the years THEN i want outside to take a break and got in another fight with my friend Cobie The staff here had to break us up we were face to face ready to punch other
Sunday:I relapsed My bathroom mate left a razor in the bathroom after i told her to remove it and not leave it there (she know i deal with self harm) so I took it broke it and took the razor and cut myself all down my arm (like a big area all down my arm) when I cut I cut still i feel pain go away and im to numb realize how much I go and how deep
EVERYTIME I RELAPSE I REGRET IT IM SCARED I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM DONE FIGHTING DEMONS WON IM NOT DOING ANYMORE i see NO REASON TO FIGHT ANYMORE BECAUSE DEMON ALWAY WIN i act LIKE IM OK BUT NOT OK I FEEL LIKE DEATH HAVE THE TIME AND JUST WANNA KILL MYSELF SO THE PAIN WILL BE OVER
i BREAK MY friendship with cobie because i cant do him anymore he take out all angry on me and he make uncomfortable
Hey @Jaceofspade,
Sounds rough man.
I’m so sorry you and your friend fought. Sometimes arguements happen and tensions rise high but don’t hold a grudge, just let it go and move on don’t let it upset you. Give it time for the situation to calm down and hopefully you can rebuild your friendship.
Relapse is a part of recovery. I like to imagine that life is like a book and every day is a page. Today may be a negative page but it doesn’t matter this is just one page in one chapter of this entire book. You and only you have the power to change your story so please keep fighting friend.
Please keep fighting, you are loved and cherished. We all appreciate and love you,
If you aren’t already maybe you could try to speak to a professional, whether that be a school councillor or a therapist (online or in real life). I feel this may benefit you.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I’m sure you’ve heard that before though. If you really feel like you want to commit call these numbers for immediate help:
UK: Samaritans 116 123
USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Please think about the pain that you put on your friends and family if you died. No one deserves to go through these thoughts and I understand how hard it can be to face these thought but you have stayed strong for this long and I know you have the courage to continue past this!
I won’t tell you to have a good day because I know how much this sucks. Please just have a day, put on comfy clothes, eat well, stay inside, chill out, think about the positives and most importantly STAY ALIVE friend.
Hold fast,
Luna <3
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Hey @Jaceofspade
Man, sounds like life’s turmoil right now, so much going on…so much drama, so much pain…and it has been going on for some time, and you’re just looking for some relief…
I think it’s important to pinpoint your REAL desire here though…let’s say:
- you mend your relationship with Cobie
- the consequences of Cobie’s actions subside
- the new student forgives you guys and becomes friendly again
- your ex chills out
- you learn how to cope with your pain in a different way besides self-harm
- you find friends who believe you about what happened with your dad
- you find healing from your past and feel like you have a hopeful future
In THAT world, would you want to commit suicide?
Probably not.
Which is important to realize that you don’t want to end your life, you just don’t want your life to continue to be terrible.
And that’s a TOTALLY NORMAL desire.
But it’s an important distinction to make because you CAN attain that life. You CAN get better. You CAN heal from your past. You CAN overcome self-harm. You CAN have healthy friendships and community of people who believe you and want to support you through it all. That life is TOTALLY possible for you. Hope is a powerful thing, man, and you have to grab onto hope with both hands and jump in that direction. Abandon this – should I kill myself? – back and forth debate…you don’t actually want that! You want your life to be better. And the truth is, it can be better. So let go of the fantasizing about death – it doesn’t solve anything – and embrace the fantasizing about your future, about your healing, about your purpose. You have a purpose and a future, and healing is possible. Move towards THAT…center your thoughts on THAT…even when your thoughts drift (they always do, that’s totally normal), refocus them! You’re always one question away from thinking on positive things…just get into a habit of asking yourself:
What’s one small step I can take right now towards the life I truly want?
Maybe in this moment, it’s taking a breath so you can slow your thoughts down and let the fog roll by so you can think clearly. Maybe it’s forgiving Cobie or your ex. Maybe it’s telling yourself, “I matter.” Maybe it’s texting a friend and asking to get together for coffee this week. Whatever it is, when you feel lost in these negative thoughts, you can always pivot by asking yourself a helpful question, because questions direct your thoughts. Having one or two go-to questions to help you really turn out of that stuck space will really help you.
Truth is, things are going to be okay, man. Good always overcome evil. God always overcomes demons. And you too will overcome yours.
-Nate
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