I'm done tw. mention of SA and Suicide

You know what? I’m just done.

First 2021 in which I just fell down and kept falling because I had to quit my studies for mental health reasons, while I already felt like a huge failure… but then also having people who are close to me say that how much of a failure I am to them, that I’m just too stubborn and never take advice from anyone (while the studystop WAS an advice from multiple people around me), telling me that I’ll remain alone and single for the rest of my life because I am a failure… and don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not fair of them to say that, but that doesn’t make it hurt. ANY. LESS.

Then 2022. I have a job (yay, progress), but at the same time there’s so much shit going on at the same time. In the first week, my grandmother was extremely ill, and we didn’t know at the time if she was going to make it. At the same time I didn’t have enough money to basically support myself, my fridge broke down, I got a ticket for speeding because my head was somewhere else, and all the licenses I needed for my job somehow didn’t get through the system. I tried to contact friends and family irl, but the answer I got was only a rejection… and even “There are worse things in life than what’s happening to you right now.” and “I really don’t like your grandmother and the only things I can think about her right now are the negative experiences that I had with her. When she comes to pass, could you do a musical tribute? I know that she would love that, and it takes the pressure off of me, your mom, to have to say something nice about her.”

So let’s try the next week… job is still new… new stress… new people who are mad at me because I don’t know how the system works yet, and they will file a complaint which will SURELY get me fired… Talking to someone on the phone in hopes that they don’t end their own life because I can’t help them in my job setting… Trying once again to get into contact with people to have someone to listen, but unfortunately the timing is bad and more people around me are having a hard time and have to deal with their own shit. It’s okay, I can wait…

Let’s go to week 3, let’s hope that this one goes better. At least you’re starting the training for the thing you actually wanted to do, so that’s exciting, right? Even though I have a lot of fun during the training, it’s a lot and somewhere during the week I have a massive breakdown. Grandma has been recovering, but it goes up and down and down and up. I haven’t been able to see her because I’m too exhausted to even take care of myself. The breakdown also happens to happen during the training… Turn off the camera and mic, and just keep on going… explain later, because you know it’s not professional. I guess I have to tell someone, but of course I don’t have therapy this week… the whole week is filled with training… I guess I have to immediately tell my TM and coach during our first meeting… Will they think I’m still worth the trouble? Or will I have to go after my training contract is done? Once again trying to contact people, this time online, but discord isn’t working… so I’m alone in this again…

Week 4. Well, time to get started on this new part of the job. It’s a lot harder than the other thing I did, but at least I don’t have a huge pending clock on it. I have the meeting with my TM and that actually went okay, so maybe I can do this… I do make a lot of mistakes though… apologize a lot for them… get corrected too because people know I’m new, and I don’t know everything yet… but still… that voice in my head keeps on reminding me that I need to be better because I need to show people that I’m worth the trouble and that I can do this. The lockdown is getting less, so I need to go out and play my instrument again… I decide that it’s probably better to contact my orchestra and ensemble that I’m taking a break. I’m unstable, both mentally and in playing… They all understand, but it’s the first time since I’m 6 years old that I don’t make music anymore… so it also feels like a failure… that constant that I had? It’s gone now… I dodge phone calls from colleagues because I don’t want to have to explain again and again how difficult this decision actually was… At least I have some weekends back to get some sleep, right? And hey, maybe I can visit Grandma in a couple of weeks because I might get a bit more energy now and I heard she’s actually kind of recovering. Oh shit… my schedule thing is still on the old times from the other job, so I can’t fulfill my contract. SHIT, they made the schedule for in 2 weeks, but I’m not on it because I couldn’t put my availability down… now I have to bother my TM AGAIN!

Week 5. Another week, another mental breakdown. I see that I’m not scoring quite well yet on how fast I’m answering emails… also I’m extremely nervous… I’m meeting my coach for the first time and need to tell her as well that I have a depression… Mom texts me that grandma is having difficulty again with her health, it’s not as bad as it was a few weeks ago… but still… I’m worried… There’s also a huge show that everyone is talking about… it’s about sexual misconduct in a very popular music talent show here… it triggers… have a huge mental breakdown on Wednesday evening and have to call in sick during the workday on Thursday because I… can’t… do… this…

Week 6. I’m meeting my coach because I don’t want to have to call in sick again… we make a plan… looks like everything might be going okay afterall! Oh nevermind… brother has covid. I’m getting symptoms too, maybe I need to get checked as well. Can’t get a test anywhere… that’s fine, maybe I can go before therapy at that place… I oversleep for my therapy… Good thing they send me a link so I can still join… Okay because I have therapy I can get that test, I do need to hurry though because they can’t do that test after… shoot… 30 minutes from now… On the bike… racing to get there… cursing at myself because it’s freaking HAILING IN FEBRUARY! but hey… I make it… good, right? Oh we need to change this this and this before you can do the test because it’s not correct… oh… okay… sorry… test: done… 2 hours of isolation… waiting to get the answer… but what if I do have it? it’s negative… thank goodness… at least I can go now… at least… at least… I can make some steps with my friend tomorrow…

Week 7. I made HUGE steps with my friend! my room is more organized, I dyed my hair, and I have the feeling I know what I can do and I’m looking forward to work his week.
Tuesday evening… text: “grandma is dying. we think she might pass tonight or in the coming days. just thought you should know.”

I forgot I can’t make progress without having huge setbacks as well… I’m tired of having to pick myself back up and I seriously don’t know how much longer I can do this anymore…

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You had a similar 2021 like me so I kinda understand you. My grades collapsed when I was having mental health issues. Also don’t always listen what others say because people never like what others do. I recommend not taking other people that serious.

Also life is full of struggles and sadly those never end. But we can make them fun to deal with!

Also you are not alone in this. We are here. Some of the members here lived same stuff with you. So yeah you are not alone don’t worry.

Also don’t worry too much about your job since everyone was a rookie when they started so I’m pretty sure your boss will show some tolerance.

Yeah you might not make progress without having huge setbacks. Sometimes we have to fight really hard for stuff like this. But don’t worry everything will be easy after some time. I’m pretty sure you will be successful at your job after a point so dw about your job.

I hope you can feel better!

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From: Micro

Dear friend. Life has been a rollercoaster to you since the beginning of the year. When we are anxious and somehow full of shame for just existing, it feels like walking on eggshells constantly. Everything is always too much, and we’re never enough at the same time. Life is made of these ups and downs. But our perception of the events can also add its share of helplessness to our heart. You know what I see when I read your words? I see a lot of strength and perseverance. I see someone who tries. A new job. A new therapy. New habits. Who dares to ask for help. Who dares to ask questions. Who dares to say when they can or can’t do something. Who reaches out to. There is consistency in your willingness to keep trying and in your efforts too. You probably don’t see it. You probably don’t know how to really embrace it because your mind will come up with all of these “nah, that’s not enough!” and always find excuses to dismiss what you do, your progress, your impact. But I see it. I see you. And I am nothing but proud of you. Yes, obstacles as big as they seem can be constantly discouraging, especially if we believe that we are somehow doomed to go through that over and over. But do you see how much you have grown? Do you see much you persevere? I want to celebrate that with you because your strength don’t deserve to be underestimated. You have so much more strength and potential than you credit yourself for. So much beauty than you allow yourself to see. And if none of these things are approachable or you right now, then I want to celebrate them for you. I’m proud of you. This is life happening, with the good and the bad, the growth and the setbacks, the success and the disappointment, the joy and the pain. This is growth.

I you can this weekend or any other free day that you have, plan something completely unique for yourself. Do something to treat you well and to completely stay away from the noise of the world. Go to the sea! Or to a nice place that has nothing familiar and all of the escape. embrace stillness, welcome a real break and peace, especially as you have a lot to deal with.

I love you very much. Still and always believe in you, no matter what. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi nyntje :slightly_smiling_face:
This is a lot to unpack. I am sorry you have been strugling like that. There is a lot of things on your shoulders right now. It must feel like carying the whole world. I think telling you that should not complain because somebody else has it worse is like saying a person who fall in mudd that it could have been lava. It is stupid beyond belief. You have a lot to weal with right now and that is a fact and Its taking its toll on you.

First let me adress your job. It is ok to be bad at it at first. And when i say at first I mean like the first 3 months. And even after that you will still make mistakes. It is natural. We are just people that have to make mistakes to learn. Those people that complain, guess what, they were also bad at their jobs when they started. Take your time and learn. You are valuable no matter what anyone says. You try and fail sometimes but then you make it right. Nobody is great at something at first and many things take time to master. Like an instrument :slightly_smiling_face:.

I know it has been a lot and you need to take it slow ok. Grandma dying and all your family should not put all the responsibility on you. it does not matter if they like their grandma or not, it was still their grandma. They cant just dodge all responsibility on you. Take your time and take your pace. Try to have enjoyable moments like the hair dying. Not every day is going to be bad but there are going to be bad days. I know you are tired nyntje but i also know you are a strong and kind person. Be kind to yourself ok. You deserve it. I really hope brighter days will come soon and you will have more good than bad days. Let me wish you all the luck and happiness I can :slightly_smiling_face: :hugs:.

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My grandmother passed this morning.

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I am sorry to hear that nyntje :slightly_frowning_face:. How are you feeling? Can we help you somehow?

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I’m missing her so much already… but at the same time I’m kind of grateful that it’s over… and that makes me feel like a shitty person again… but I just didn’t want her to suffer that much either… So I feel shitty for feeling a bit relieved… but also sad because I miss her and I will never get her back… or make more memories with her… and I know that my birthdays will never be the same again because I will never be able to call her again the day before to wish her a happy birthday and end that conversation with “Talk with you more tomorrow.” Or hug her… or have a sass-off with her which up front I knew I was gonna lose because she had 93 years of experience.
I just miss her and I don’t know right now what will help… because in the past it has always been different with what worked to get through it… But right now I just don’t know… sorry

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Its ok nyntje. We dont want to see our loved ones suffer. I know it feels bad but at least she is no longer suffering. I know you miss her. It hits hard and it will take time to fully process. Take your time, all of it. It is your grief and you need to process it at your own pace. For some time not many things will help. The relief comes in time but until then, grief. I know it is painful but grief is the price we pay for love. .

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I know of so many stories where people whisper to their loved ones that it’s okay to let go, to stop fighting, that everyone will be okay, before the person is able to let go of the suffering.
It doesn’t sound weird at all that you’re glad she isn’t in pain anymore. It is a relief when you know they aren’t fighting and struggling, and that they’ve led a long happy and sass-filled life!
93 is a heck of a ride, and I’m sure she would want you to continue to kick butt out there and be sass-filled in her honour :slight_smile:

I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m also thankful you had so many years and so many memories with her!

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From: nearlyheadlessella (Twitch)

im so very sorry for your loss. please take it one day at a time. it sounds like things are getting better at work which is good. what helps me is just keeping busy. it keeps the negative thoughts away. much love friend <3

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Hey @nyntje

Megs_26 responded to your post live on stream today with some words of encouragement and support!

Here is the video so you can watch her reply.

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