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I'm Done With Life (trigger warning)

I’m done. I’m ready to throw in the towel and just eat myself to death. I’m a college student who is home for the summer and I remembered when my brother and I were pre teens and he asked to touch my breasts. That was the first thing that went wrong this summer. I remember telling my mom when it happened and I’ve even talked to my brother about it since and I think it was out of curiosity but I cannot let it go. His face of looking at my breasts as i flashed him so he would get out of my room is permanently seared in my brain. I keep making it a problem when it has been dealt with. I get so anxious whenever he looks at me, he has beady eyes and it just brings all the memories back even though he never touched me. He never even asked again. One of my friends during the school year was going through domestic violence (she still is) and I was there for her. I made sure she had a safety plan and I never judged her relationship and guess what? I’m the one who ended up alone in the end. Fucking bullshit. I put my ass on the line for her and I’m the one who got screwed over. I’m the one who did daily check ins with her and I’m the one she left behind. I dont have a support system and its killing me. I love my parents but they just cannot be nurturing. They always have to discredit me and try to prove me wrong by correcting me in such a condescending way I want to punch them. I struggle with food addiction and I’m about to just eat myself and some pills into a coma. I think death is peaceful because all of your problems are gone you can just be. Why do the good people get left behind to deal with loneliness and depression while the bad people go on to live the life I want? Why? I’m fucking dying inside. I dont want to go back to school for senior year because I’m going to be alone. I cant fucking do this life anymore. I’ve tried praying and it does bring me comfort and peace but I’m still hurting and in pieces. I’ve been to therapy and she was a rude ass bitch so I stopped going. I cant keep doing this. My life is stressful as well. I’m in summer school and theres always an assignment every damn day. Like please for the love of God give me a day off so I can breathe and try to collect myself. I’m only 21 and I feel like life has won. Life is a cold heartless bitch and it fucking won.

Hey @Rachel,

I see you. Please, stay. We don’t know each other, but I’d like to encourage you to throw those pills away. Really. You don’t need it. You’ve been through a lot. And “a lot” is really not enough to emphasize the amount of pain you had to carry on for so long. I hear you Rachel. I hear you exhaustion and how stuck you feel right now. You are not alone.

I dont have a support system and its killing me.

You just have one right here and right now, in this community. We’re here to listen and support you as much as possible. Don’t give up friend. It sounds that you’ve been trying to take some great steps already, like seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, we don’t always find the right one immediately. Sometimes you have to try different therapists to find someone with whom you’ll feel okay and safe.

Your life is not over, friend. It’s been really tough until now. But there is more to live than all of this pain.

I’d like to encourage you to call a crisis line and use the following resources:

Just to get things off your chest. You have the right to express yourself. And I know it’s heavy right now. Keep fighting for not returning this heaviness against you. You’ve been really strong until now. And probably handling too many things just by yourself. It’s normal if it feels like everything is heavy and piling up. It’s time to find a new strategy now. A healthier one.

You are loved. You are cared for. Hang in there.

Thank you. It feels so good to have someone just acknowledge what I’m feeling instead of trying to say it’s wrong. And thank you for the resources. I’m saving them to my phone rn.

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Thank you, Rachel. For being here and for sharing all of this. I’m not in your shoes, so I can only imagine that it’s not easy to take this step of sharing. I’ve been in this place of vulnerability. Was really afraid to be judged too. But you have the right to feel. To struggle. To be vulnerable and just human. Absolutely no judgment to have.

Is there anything that you could do to take care of yourself today? I hear that you’re in quite a stressful season with school and just all those elements of your life that are piling up. But for today, as a start, what’s something that could help you to take some “me” time and just push everything else aside? 'Cause really, what matters right now is you, and only you. All the rest can wait.

I love to color and watch crime shows. Also just talking and hanging out with my brother really helps me deal with that trauma. Our relationship is so much better now and hes just a good person so it’s not fair that I hold a mistake over his head, especially when I was also at fault.

I love to color and watch crime shows.

Gosh, then I definitely have to share this link with you: https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1r5eIdQTu-a9ai6aSsxDZBQVF7cJ4_0Gn?usp=sharing - It’s free coloring pages that were made by Danjo and members of this community during quarantine. Mostly characters that were requested by the community! I personally had a lot of fun with those. It helps to focus on something and clear my mind. :slight_smile:

Also just talking and hanging out with my brother really helps me deal with that trauma. Our relationship is so much better now and hes just a good person so it’s not fair that I hold a mistake over his head, especially when I was also at fault.

I see. It’s really positive that you can talk about it together. What happened shouldn’t happen, indeed. But you also have the right to feel how you feel. I’d be uncomfortable too. Though I’m glad to hear that you can try to find some healing together, and not against each other. If you ever need to discuss about it, you are always free to do it here too.

Thank you for the link! I’ve done the research on it and it’s actually not that uncommon and like I said we’ve talked and it’s over and done with. Holding onto it is so exhausting.

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You’re welcome. :wink:

Holding onto it is so exhausting.

For sure. And as long as you are and feel safe, it’s all that matters. :heart: So, somehow, it sounds that your brother is part of your support system. If I may ask, does he know that you’re struggling with food and/or that school is stressing you these days? I’m asking because I have myself quite a history with eating disorders and just… anxiety as being almost a way of living, and I know that it can be pretty isolating to deal with this by ourselves. Sometimes just having someone to listen is very powerful. But I’m just asking, maybe your brother is a little young.

Hes older than me by 2 years. He knows I’m always stressed but I dont think he knows the extent of it. Hes not very well versed. Hes very black and white and quite honestly does not really care. Hes there to be funny and have a good time with, not to vent too. We’re not close but we’re able to hangout and feel comfortable more so than we did when we were kids. We’d just beat each other up as kids :joy::joy:

Oh I see! Yup, I guess it’s quite common to learn to feel more comfortable or close to your siblings as you grow up. With my siblings, we followed quite a similar pattern, with all the arguments when we were young. :hrtjakelul: I’m glad you can have fun with your brother. There’s so many opportunities to create some good memories.

It’s a different topic but I was thinking about what you said about this therapist you saw. There’s a partnership between HeartSupport and the service Betterhelp to get a free week of online counseling with a profesionnal. Maybe this could be a good start to be in touch with someone who wouldn’t be a “rude ass bitch”, to quote you :p. Doesn’t cost anything to test at least (and you can cancel your application just as you start the free week, so you’re not charged for it). There are several members of this community who are using this service. Some staff members are very open about it and how it works. So, not pressuring yourself at all for anything, but if you want more informations, you can check on it here: heartsupport.com/resources - but also just stop by during the Twitch streams, if you have any question, if you want to talk about anything, share anything, or just have a good moment with a bunch of awesome and friendly people. :wink: - twitch.tv/heartsupport - It would be awesome to see you there!

Awesome! Thank you so much. I’m not ready to go back to therapy yet personally because of the relationship I had with my last one. She was rude yes but she knew everything and I did trust her. It’s just a lot to rebuild but I appreciate you giving me those sources for when I’m ready again.

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That’s totally understandable, friend! You gotta do it at your own pace. Good call on being aware of this and taking your time. You’re doing great. :hrtlovefist:

Thank you for everything today. I feel so much better. I got up and took a shower which is a major part of self care for me and made a good lunch. Now I’m organizing my week ahead for school so I’m not overwhelmed. Thank you so much. Talking it out is truly the best. God bless you!

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Hey Rachel, anytime, okay? I’m really glad to hear that. Definitely a good idea for the planning. Take it easy. And take care of yourself. You really deserve it. :heart: