I'm even more confused now

So my therapist said I should leave her. Everything that’s happened hurt me too much, and waiting is hurting me more.

It’s either wait for her or leave her forever, but where do I fit? I want her back in my life, but waiting is what hurt me and destabilized me in the first place. Everyone talks about respecting her boundaries, but she didn’t respect mine in the first place, which doesn’t mean I should cross hers but what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Just let this hurt me??

I’ve redacted good bye emails over and over again but I always feel too scared when I think about sending them, so I believe I should wait until it’s better. But I don’t think I can let go like this.

Point is: I don’t know how to draw the line between what hurts me and what she wants. I’ve always wanted to wait for her, but in the state I’m in I can’t, I don’t feel like I will improve.

There are many possibilities if she comes back. She could give it another chance, or she could leave forever. Either way it’ll hurt me so why don’t I just leave her forever? But also I think about how she hasn’t had friends in a long time and how everyone has abandoned her and I feel bad, because I don’t want to hurt her anymore, but also if I leave I won’t hurt her because she won’t have to deal with me.

I wonder if she’ll chase after me if I leave sometimes, but that feels wrong. Everything I think or feel I judge as toxic, everything I do is toxic, everything I am is toxic and wrong and I don’t understand it. I was just worried in the beginning because I didn’t even know if she was alive, and then I was sad and angry cuz she didn’t tell me things directly and now I can’t do anything because it’s either wrong or self destructive, at this point I just wish I didn’t exist.


I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with so many conflicting emotions.

Did you know now that truly toxic people never think of themselves as toxic? Perhaps you think of yourself as toxic because interactions and relationships are not unfolding in the way you expected. By that definition, every human on the planet is toxic. That’s probably at least a little bit true, but I think you are as non-toxic as humanly possible.

Whether or not you end up together with her, the first priority is to stabilize yourself. It doesn’t sound like that process will include her, at least not in the beginning.

When individuals have a healthy relationship with themselves and are able to be independent and comfortable with aloneness, that’s when they are truly ready to establish a healthy relationship with someone else. One reason for that is that they can be together because they truly enjoy each other’s company rather than simply succumb to emotional addiction. Another reason is that they can support and nurture each other’s personal growth without it triggering insecurities.

You don’t deserve to badmouth yourself simply because you are learning difficult lessons.

1 Like

I still don’t believe she’ll forgive me. I don’t even think she’ll be back.

Wouldn’t getting this all over with better for her? I’d suffer either way… Waiting or leaving, it’s the same.

I hate being lonely because I always end up thinking I should die if I stay alone for too long…

1 Like

I’m not very sure about sending it. I don’t want things to end between us, but waiting is hurting me too much. I could just decide to never answer her emails, to cut all contact with her definitely and never give her another chance, but I wouldn’t feel ok ghosting her back or waiting for her to look for me just to tell her it’s over.

I keep thinking about how everything she sent me points to not wanting to leave forever, but I’m so tired and broken and just don’t want to keep hurting myself anymore…

I’m scared of sending that email. I wish she’d chase after me.

But she won’t. She never will. She wouldn’t even come back after everything that’s happened.

I should just end it, right?

1 Like

Hey @Mtelltaleheart,

I have been reading your posts over time and just wanted to really acknowledge how brave you are. In the midst of the turmoil that this breakup has created in your heart, you have been constantly trying to make healthy decisions while your mind and your heart are leading an intense fight. It takes a lot of strength (and such a huge amount of energy) to resist to an urge that the heart craves for, and I’m proud of you for seeking some level of closure with what happened. My heart goes out to you as you navigate this deep hreatbreak yet also don’t let yourself sink into it entirely. A part of you knows what is right rationally, and it is putting your well-being as a priority - which is essential right now.

I’m scared of sending that email. I wish she’d chase after me.
But she won’t. She never will. She wouldn’t even come back after everything that’s happened.

Good for you to be honest with yourself about this. Brutal honesty can hurt like hell, but unfortunately things that are right can feel wrong sometimes and be the most heartbreaking decisions. Sending this email and choosing to let her go is a right decision. At the same time, it makes completely sense to feel more overwhelmed as you approach this meaningful step. The closure you get to “officially” saying goodbye, the more the reality of the separation hits. With grief and losses, we can feel this need to hold on to the pain and all the “what ifs” because somehow it keeps something about the relationship alive - even if it costs us our health and well-being. But you absolutely don’t deserve to fall into self-destruction. You deserve to find peace after all of this. You deserve to keep working through this and compose with your emotions in ways that wil lead you towards some level of closure, and healing. The step you’re on your way to take, is absolutely part of this healing process.

You got this, friend. I believe in you. We’re all in this with you, standing with you. :heart:

1 Like

Thank you for your support Micro.

I want to be with her, wait for her, but I simply can’t stand this pain anymore. My therapist says “She’s not looking for you, she’s only making you go through a lot of pain” and after everything I’ve gone through I don’t really know what to do, but if I don’t make a decision soon I won’t be in peace.

I thought about giving her one last chance, but I’ve given her too many. I also hurt her horribly and don’t believe she’ll forgive me for blaming her even though I did that in a moment of anger and general lack of empathy. I need to end this, but she won’t come back until she’s ready, and I don’t trust she’ll be back before the year ends considering the fact she ghosted me.

I really miss her, she makes my life better when she’s next to me, but the way she left and everything that happened afterwards just made me wanna kill myself again after a long time of trying to love myself enough to look for professional help.

I’m exhausted. I’m in a corner, and I don’t want to wait for someone who pushed me away because her fear is bigger than any good feeling she could’ve had towards me.

Haven’t sent that email, but sent her a video on Wednesday and deleted it because I was crying… Gave that email address to my best friend to prevent me from sending any more emails.

still stuck in limbo but really leaning into leaving her in the past for good…

1 Like

Hey @Mtelltaleheart,

Checking in on you, friend. How have you been doing? I know you posted in another topic about sending the email. Thinking of you today. <3

Thanks for checking on me Micro

I’m… not very well. She told me to wait until January, and that if I talk to her again during those months she won’t answer. I’m mad because I told her I can’t wait and the first thing she does is that.

I wish I could just forget her existence already. I’m tired of trying to get better without her.

I feel like I should die so she never has to deal with me again.

1 Like

I’m… not very well. She told me to wait until January, and that if I talk to her again during those months she won’t answer. I’m mad because I told her I can’t wait and the first thing she does is that.

This is really tough - I hear you. Being somehow put in a position of waiting forces you to have your life under parenthesis in the meantime. It’s like having to catch your breath until knowing how things are going to be/what would be the next steps.

It sounds like she is aware that she needs tome, and she is asserting her boundaries - which is a good thing on her side. However it leaves you somehow connected by a thread - it makes sense to feel both hopeful and hopeless in this situation. It’s like time gets fixed at a significant crossroad, and the waiting can be absolutely excrutiating.

How do you receive this request on your end? Do you feel like you are willing to wait until January, or do you feel like you will need to start moving on now? – regardless of what she said. She has expressed her needs there, and that’s great for her. I would love to hear yours. <3

I told her I couldn’t wait, that’s it. I can’t keep putting this off, I feel like if I don’t solve this now I won’t be able to recover. She wants me to move on from the situation because she’s trying to do the same (by ignoring it), and it feels like she truly doesn’t give a fuck. And ending the email with “I’m the mistake that triggered you” is like. Then stop doing it??? I don’t know how to stop this I just want to get rid of myself because I know I won’t be able to resist because I’m, useless toxic and pathetic and she will never forgive me for being like this

I don’t want to be myself, I want to kill myself so she never has to deal with me again. I don’t want to wait but can’t move on either, I can’t get her out of my mind and I hate it. I hate my life, my feelings, my everything. I wonder if going to the psych ward would help.

1 Like