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I’m exhausted from this war friends. I don’t want to be here anymore
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I can empathise with you so deeply. Sometimes it’s so very very hard to keep fighting and to be strong, I’m so proud of you for every day that you have fought. Surround yourself with friends or family or literally go to a pet store and pat all the puppies or kittens or Guinea pigs if it helps. You are not alone. You are deeply valued and loved, and I know that sounds so cliche, but I promise there is infinite truth behind those words.
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Yeah. Exhaustion is a good word. War is a good word. It’s hard to feel like every day wears you down. Like things don’t get better, and because they don’t get better - even if they stay the same - it is just a daily step down, eroding your resistance, eroding your hope, carving away at your willpower to keep going. And it’s a war because it feels - even though it’s not a “person” - evil. Like it haunts you, targets you, taunts you, WANTS to destroy you. And so it feels like you are in a war, but you don’t know how to win. Don’t know when you’ll get hit. Feels like you’re a blind soldier. And so it just feels like pain. Being subjected to the inevitability of it all. The fantasy of just…not being in that war anymore is enticing. It makes sense why you don’t want to be “here” anymore. It’s not necessarily that you want to die, you just don’t want this to be your life. You fantasize about a “there” that doesn’t involve the daily exhaustion, the daily war, the daily defeat. And that fantasy makes a lot of sense. I do that in my life too. You’re not crazy. I also wonder if there were pieces to this fight that would make it easier for you to stand. Like, in the metaphor, if you weren’t totally blind, it’d be a night and day difference. If you knew when the attacks were coming, you’d at least be able to defend yourself, even if poorly, and that would take the element of powerlessness out of it. That would be huge. Or if you found yourself making some kind of headway, even if it was small, that there was a sense of predictability that it wasn’t just ALL bad, but you knew every day, in at least one small way, that you were going to win or take a step forward. These kinds of things would make the situation much more tolerable - it is about the reinstatement of HOPE, honestly. If there was HOPE in the “here”, it would make the suffering feel less intolerable. So I am curious with you - where is hope? And how can you find more of it - even if it is just a small bit? Thankful you chose to share.
@heartsupport thank you! This is encouraging!