Im fighting in my own head

I met her 1.5 years ago, it was a love at first sight (my first love). She told me that 2 weeks later she was leaving for Lisbon and Valancia.
we were 4 times on date then and it felt so terribly good, I was already talking about coming to see her for 1 week and looking forward to it.
she then suddenly went to poland to take care of her deadly niece and I already trusted her 120% but that would mean that I had to cancel my trip there, she said no longer wait for me continue with your life I don’t know how long I stay here or am … 2 months later I had a show in our neighborhood that the whole room was full and at half of the first set she suddenly came running in, I was so incredibly happy at that moment.
a few months later I was practicing with the band and suddenly I got messages that I had been called 10 times, I called back and she told me that she was pregnant with me, I did not know what happened to me and I was completely in shock .

at that moment I did not act as she expected and that made her intensely angry and nothing was good anymore, she called me during work to say that she didn’t even want children of mine and many more painful things it did to me very much because I wanted to help and support her all where I could.
have had to choose not to be able to keep it because we could not offer something stable.
she said 2 weeks later after she had been quiet all the time and I was still trying to help her in any way that it would be nothing and it was ready for good.

I made a list for myself of things that I really couldn’t believe, I told her all that and she was screaming with every sentence and it was all my fault, until after half an hour she suddenly became so calm as the sea.
she said she wanted to meet again after 2 months and then we hung up after an hour and a half, until 2 weeks later when she suddenly called me at night with I miss you I want to see you.
I did not understand anything at all about what had happened, then we agreed and at least spent 5 hours talking and after all we entered into a relationship.

the relationship was super nice and regularly arguing because she is really jealous while I trust her 120%, we often talked about that, and I had to change a lot and arrange things I wanted to do because I love her so much .
in the beginning she was talking about wanting to go to india and thailand for 2 months and first I didn’t want to hear that because then I was confronted with the fact that she would be gone, I didn’t want to hear anything about it until I I thought I should face what she’s going and I also wanted her to go.
she went to india with a friend because the father of that friend always stays there for 6 months, while I had in mind especially enjoy it you are there now it is all over and I was looking for little contact and some basic things.

she wanted me to seek more contact, and when I did, it was not good until it came to a point where I no longer knew what I would do well and I acted on my insecurity and she could not deal with it.
when she got home everything seemed fine and normal, we both knew that a serious one was coming.
she was lying next to me for 2 nights even watching just having sex so I thought this is good, the day after she came back I was going to help her move with her dad and have a nice dinner together.
when we got home everything broke loose and she wanted to talk seriously and all frustration came and she also threw things up that I thought had been talked about because it happened months ago, all I could do was listen and cry because on I wasn’t going to say much more about this point either.
it was a break but still out and would see each other again in 4 weeks so I had nothing of clarity about what I could take with me.

a week later she had an appointment with a best friend of mine and she said give him clearly and I should get that out of a message but that still didn’t matter.
I went there and said what I wanted and how I wanted to see it.
she thought that was a good idea and agreed, a day later I would raise the question when we would see each other, so that would be the next week.
while the question had just been put it went completely wrong, we called and I am completely finished and scolded but we would see each other she said that Saturday, so I told her I am quiet this week and will you Saturday the address from the restaurant.
I was just working, suddenly I was called 4 days after the phone call and she wanted to hear my voice and that she actually felt like sex and then we called 40 minutes and it was as usual.
then it was Saturday and we spent 3 hours in the restaurant, and she went home with me and we just had sex all night until she went home.

and the moment she had just arrived home for 2 hours she already started doing annoying.
I knew that after a few weeks she went with her father to an event in the Czech Republic and so she had to buy some dresses, so I sent her a message of I will see you in the dresses and her answer was no because there is no event wherever you are and I have to be so neat …
1 week later I suddenly got 2 movies from her in the dresses and after 4 days we started talking again and we hung on the phone for an hour and a half, in the same conversation I asked her again on date.
the week later I was all at home because my parents were on vacation for 10 days, so in that conversation I also asked if she would come by for a few more days and that was good she had mentioned 3 days and would even come to see me from the Czech Republic that Sunday. stay with me.
it was Sunday evening and she was with me again I threw up the situation because I just did not get a clear picture of all this and I lost myself completely.

I lost 7 kilos in 7 weeks I no longer ate / slept and a lot of stress, but her answer was still not clear.
because we had sex a week ago I thought it was possible and that was not the intention so I made my excuse for that, the next day she went away with well it was nice but it was all about us again. … I just wanted clarity and an answer.
I had made an appointment with the psychologist and there I told this story from A to Z because there is more that I am leaving out now, and he was not allowed to say it, but because he knew it would give me a lot of peace, he said and the questions I had answered that it is borderline / personality disorder, so many things fell into place and I was in a different position.
that evening I am eating and suddenly I receive a call as if nothing had happened the day before and says: I will be free on Thursday and I will sleep with you on Wednesday and we will have a game evening and we will cook together, I was so glad that I immediately said yes and I was really looking forward to seeing her.
until the day later in the evening she did not want to come anymore and did not find what I had done that Sunday and went from one subject to another and that was the last time I spoke to her.

in a week and a half we will go to metallica together and have a hotel afterwards, many of my friends say that I should stop because they see me going under, but I still love her too much and want to do everything for her …
I have a fight in my own head and I don’t know what to do… still love her so much

Hey man,

This sounds like a brutal rollercoaster…it’s hard to even keep up with all the ups and downs looking from the outside inward…I hear that you desperately want this girl to be with you, and you’re willing to do whatever to make that happen…I hear that when you’re apart the loneliness eats at you, and you’ll really do anything to get that gnawing feeling to go away…but then when you open yourself up to her again, you go through the rollercoaster all over again…you’re caught between: loneliness on one hand, and hope of love but eventual heartbreak on the other.

The difficult thing to realize while you’re in the middle of this shit storm is that even though being with her feels like it offers the promise of solving your loneliness, it does not. And in the end, where do you end up time after time after time? Alone.

The thought of, “Well, being with her for some period of time is better than being with her for no time,” is also misleading, because the time that you spend with her, and even the time that you do not spend with her, you are using thinking about her. So if you had the opportunity to go and develop a healthier relationship, or to work on yourself and your heart to find healing so that the loneliness would stop altogether, you don’t use the time to actually fix the problem, you use it to fixate (focus) on the problem.

If your friends are telling you that they are seeing you go under, I would trust their judgment at this point, because you are too close and are not making rational decisions for yourself right now because you are so deeply hurt and are just looking to fix the pain. Your friends want to see you WELL, and you just want to feel fine. I think you need to trust them and be done with this relationship for good. Give your heart space to heal, spend more time with that psychiatrist and focus on growing yourself, and open yourself up to the possibility of healthier relationships elsewhere. I think your heart (and your friends) will thank you


thank you alot.

couple of days ago i got this from her after 1 week of silence.

she first sent me a message with this and I thought about it very well and I don’t want to date anymore and don’t put any more energy into our future. then it was said over and over again that we still love each other dearly. and she also said that I really hope to go with you again in the future, when she said that I also had to tell what to do if she stays with that choice.

then she wanted to call and she soon started crying and while I was doing that I had to tell her what I was going to do, I had to block her and remove everything so that I would never see her name or anything again, and I found that really hard to say because we are so crazy about each other … but that I had to do it because I would find it really annoying I would see her happy with another man, then she also said that is not going to happen I am so busy with work and want to travel I really don’t have the time, and that if she saw me with another woman she would get super angry and pull her hair out of her head.

and she says I have 2 men in my life and that is good (she says so I have my father and I have you in my life) I was a bit confused again. had also told her that I had been waiting for her for 2 months in the beginning because it felt so good.
but she sounded so tired and over the phone bit the same how I just feel after all those weeks just rest in your head.
that fight was really not fun.
Especially now I take the time to get myself back together and work well on myself, I really don’t want another woman at all.
have agreed on November 2 to eat something together, and then look a little further.
still love each other so very much but I think this rest will do us good, and of course I may not assume anything but I will do my best.

i hope i will get though this without alot of downs…cause she is in my head so much, and i know her really well and i hope she will contact me earlier …