Hey @Cainga,
Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all of this. I’m glad you can use this safe space right here, as talking with our friends and family is not always the easiest thing to do. Know that you are always welcome to share your heart here. You’ll always be heard, without any judgment.
It sounds that you have good reasons to be happy and proud of yourself, but sometimes it’s not enough. Depression especially, or at least a depressive state, has this way to make us feel deeply numb to all the things that used to give us life before. It’s not your fault. It’s not about you not being enough. It’s just that you’ve been struggling, and it’s been ongoing for a long time now. It only makes you human, not guilty of anything.
I hear that your parents are pressuring you to do more, and maybe it’s not done consciously on their end, but do you think it would be possible for you to discuss with them about this? Not necessarily explaining the depth of how you feel if you’re not ready for that, but more in a way that would, at least, make them understand that you’re already doing a lot and you don’t need any extra-pressure these days. Sometimes people close to us, and parents especially, want the best for us and keep encouraging us to follow a given direction. But sometimes this does more harm than good. It’s okay to say it, to try to communicate. It’s about your needs, your well-being, so it matters, even more than what you would accomplish.
I’m so very sorry for how your relationship as well. I live with someone, I’m very depressed and struggle from time to time with suicidal thoughts. It’s something that often makes me worried that it could be a reason for him to leave me. Oftentimes I feel like I’m just too much of a burden for the people I love. I can only imagine how you felt after hearing why she left. That’s tough. But I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. It’s the situation that brings this pain, which sometimes affects our loved ones, even if we don’t want to. I hope you’ll hold on to that truth, in times to come. It’s not a “you” problem. You just happen to struggle, but your struggles don’t define you.
As you mentioned having suicidal thoughts for 5 years now, I want to ask: did you receive any help or support during those years? And if not, how would you feel with the idea of giving a try to therapy? These thoughts have a reason to be, and your struggles are worth to be shared. Your voice needs to be heard. And it’s actualy your very first tool when it’s about healing some deep wounds. Today, you made a first step in this direction by coming here. It’s powerful, and I hope you’ll allow yourself to keep reaching out. This could be for you the beginning of a new dynamic in your life, one that would be focused on building your own support system. There’s only so much we can do only by ourselves. Sometimes we feel too drained, too tired, at the end of our rope. It’s okay to listen to our heart during these moments of acute vulnerability, and it’s okay to get out of our comfort zone, just to create the connections that are needed to receive the support we long for.
You’re not alone, and you are loved dearly.
If you can, I’d like to encourage you to give a try to the following exercise in times to come:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/why-suicide-makes-sense-and-why-you-still-shouldnt-do-it/14163
As you mentioned that the reasons to keep moving on feel stupid sometimes, then I want to invite you to reflect on those reasons and share a list of them, as suggested on the exercise above. No reason is stupid as long as it helps you to keep going on. They can be very simple when we are feeling really down and unmotivated. And they can be more elaborated once we’re feeling better. It’s also a matter of circumstances, and if right now it’s more about making it through the day, then that’s okay. Keep looking after those reasons to push forward. They’re all worth it because it’s about you and your life.