I'm getting tired

Hi i just needed a place to vent without worrying my friends and family.

For the last 5 years ive had suicidal thoughts and what i can only assume are short spans of depression that last a couple weeks every now and then. This episode is lasting way longer than normal and ive been engaging in very self destrutive behaivor (like stepping infront of a speeding car or drinking mouthwash). Its out of character for me and the way things have been going i dont think ill stop anytime soon.
I’m a decently successful college freshman. I picked a STEM major im happy with and I did every thing my parents wanted me to do as soon as summer started. I got a job, im taking summer classes, and volunteering in my spare time. But it just never seems like enough, they keep wanting more out of me and it really amplifies the idea that I’ll never be good enough.
I also recently got out of a relationship where i was told that its hard to love someone who’s suicidal. And i can’t blame her for leaving it was a good decision on her part but i really dont know how she knew thats how i felt because i never talked about that around her. Once she left though i realized i was just distracting myself.
At this point the only thing keeping me alive is little things, like taking care of my rabbit, or waiting for a new season of The Owl House to come out. But once i run out of these stupid little reasons i dont know what im going to do.

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Hey @Cainga,

Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all of this. I’m glad you can use this safe space right here, as talking with our friends and family is not always the easiest thing to do. Know that you are always welcome to share your heart here. You’ll always be heard, without any judgment. :hrtlegolove:

It sounds that you have good reasons to be happy and proud of yourself, but sometimes it’s not enough. Depression especially, or at least a depressive state, has this way to make us feel deeply numb to all the things that used to give us life before. It’s not your fault. It’s not about you not being enough. It’s just that you’ve been struggling, and it’s been ongoing for a long time now. It only makes you human, not guilty of anything.

I hear that your parents are pressuring you to do more, and maybe it’s not done consciously on their end, but do you think it would be possible for you to discuss with them about this? Not necessarily explaining the depth of how you feel if you’re not ready for that, but more in a way that would, at least, make them understand that you’re already doing a lot and you don’t need any extra-pressure these days. Sometimes people close to us, and parents especially, want the best for us and keep encouraging us to follow a given direction. But sometimes this does more harm than good. It’s okay to say it, to try to communicate. It’s about your needs, your well-being, so it matters, even more than what you would accomplish.

I’m so very sorry for how your relationship as well. I live with someone, I’m very depressed and struggle from time to time with suicidal thoughts. It’s something that often makes me worried that it could be a reason for him to leave me. Oftentimes I feel like I’m just too much of a burden for the people I love. I can only imagine how you felt after hearing why she left. That’s tough. But I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. It’s the situation that brings this pain, which sometimes affects our loved ones, even if we don’t want to. I hope you’ll hold on to that truth, in times to come. It’s not a “you” problem. You just happen to struggle, but your struggles don’t define you.

As you mentioned having suicidal thoughts for 5 years now, I want to ask: did you receive any help or support during those years? And if not, how would you feel with the idea of giving a try to therapy? These thoughts have a reason to be, and your struggles are worth to be shared. Your voice needs to be heard. And it’s actualy your very first tool when it’s about healing some deep wounds. Today, you made a first step in this direction by coming here. It’s powerful, and I hope you’ll allow yourself to keep reaching out. This could be for you the beginning of a new dynamic in your life, one that would be focused on building your own support system. There’s only so much we can do only by ourselves. Sometimes we feel too drained, too tired, at the end of our rope. It’s okay to listen to our heart during these moments of acute vulnerability, and it’s okay to get out of our comfort zone, just to create the connections that are needed to receive the support we long for.

You’re not alone, and you are loved dearly. :hrtlegolove:

If you can, I’d like to encourage you to give a try to the following exercise in times to come:

As you mentioned that the reasons to keep moving on feel stupid sometimes, then I want to invite you to reflect on those reasons and share a list of them, as suggested on the exercise above. No reason is stupid as long as it helps you to keep going on. They can be very simple when we are feeling really down and unmotivated. And they can be more elaborated once we’re feeling better. It’s also a matter of circumstances, and if right now it’s more about making it through the day, then that’s okay. Keep looking after those reasons to push forward. They’re all worth it because it’s about you and your life. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi thank you for the response, it helped me out a little. I’ve been thinking about professional help for awhile now. At the moment I’ve been trying to convince myself to go to college counseling as it is the most accessible to me at the moment. I’m also trying to find a way to explain my feelings to my parents without them getting angry with me. That’s a common occurrence when I open up because I dont choose my words correctly. Thanks for the exercise too, it put some things in perspective

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Hi @Cainga,

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s very appreciated. :hrtlegolove:

College counseling could be an interesting option, indeed. I remember that I wanted to give it a try when I was a student, but never dared too, just because of my own shyness and anxiety. It’s good that these services are there though. And if you’re willing to give it a try, then I’d totally encourage you to reach out to them. Maybe another possibility would be to see with your college if there are nonprofits in your living area that also give access to mental health support. It’s always worth to check on that. Oftentimes we need to push some doors in order to actually know about the resources that are available where we live.

In any case, there are some possibilities to try, and it’s definitely worth it.

As for your parents, I can understand the fear of having to deal with their reaction. Two things come to my mind, that could eventually help you:

  • Writing a letter to them. That way, you’d have the time to choose your words and do it at your own time. No rush, no pressure, only you and what you want to express in the way you’d like to say it.
  • Using non-violent communication tips. You can easily find examples and charts of interactions that uses NVC, online. I personally find that it’s a very good way to express our needs when a conversation is likely to be difficult or to cause an argument with someone.

Overall, reaching out is the right thing to do, and I’m proud of you for considering these two options. Please don’t forget that, no matter what, your parents reaction will not anything about you. You have the right to feel how you feel, you have the right to express yourself as well. :hrtlegolove:

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