I feel like…telling my whole story wouldn’t help…just know…there is a lot to these intense years of life I have been through.
But I’m getting worse, My suicidal thoughts are daily, hourly almost.
I used to not self harm but I’ve started to and badly, having to wear long sleeves a lot now.
My partner who knows my struggles I’ve lashed out at, I hurt them, I dont mean too
I feel like a monster
They’re scared of me
I thought I was happy but
The pain wants to stay, even if it’s me causing it
It wont let me go
I know professional help could do something but I’m thousands of dollars in debt and I’m not able to do that.
I’m scared
I just want to sleep, I don’t want to wake up anymore
Hello Siren. You do not have to tell the whole story, it is enough for us to know you are hurting and need help. The reasons why are not important, only how you feel.
It is hard not to lash out at the ones closest to us. Sometimes I think I do it to prevent me from lashing out at myself. Hell I did it again tonight and all she wanted to do was help.
You are not a monster. You are a person who is in serious, acknowledgeable, real pain who is struggling to deal with it, who is struggling to let someone else help. Its ok. One day you and I both will find a way to let people help us or to acknowledge we are not angry, we are sorrow manifesting as anger.
They are not scared of you. Trust me when I say they are scared for you. That can sometimes help me to break the cycle of anger at them and finally turn inward, start to feel it and cry and let her help me in whatever way she knows how. But its hard.
Professional help is great. Someone to talk to for 30 minutes twice a month is huge. I talked to my General Practitioner and found that they have a mental health program that gets charged through my insurance as a medical visit and not psycological meaning it is so much cheaper. I went to a GP as a new patient (havent been to a doctor in 10 years before that) and was directed this way.
I work at a financial institution Siren and if you ever felt comfortable to speak to me about your debts and financial situation I would be happy to give you the best advice I possibly can. I would also say to please go into your local bank branch. Not every banker in there is looking to push a product. If you walk in and sit with the right person and tell them earnestly that you are struggling with debt, that it causes you a lot of stress and heartache and you are just “looking for help on how to understand my situation” you really might find someone who will sit with you and help you. The bankers I manage would help a person like you to understand how to fix this with all the good intentions in the world.
Nothing like a little Winnie the Pooh wisdom to cut the mire, I leave you with this: “Promise me you’ll always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”
Welcome to Heart Support. Tom’s advice is wonderful. Most communities have some kind of affordable mental health services, and a doctor’s referral is a good idea. One thing I’d add is to find help immediately. There is a mind and body connection, which means that the mind can affect the well-being of the body, so if you want your body to be healthy, your state of mind is important. Don’t delay in seeking help. You don’t deserve to suffer.
Hey Siren, Thank you for posting, I am so sorry you have been having such a tough time. You are in such a tough situation and It breaks my heart that you cannot get professional help due to finances, its wrong that, that is even a consideration, here you are welcome to spend time, get encouragement, love and support totally free of charge and from people that give this to you because they want to. You are a wonderful person who deserves an amazing life. Look after yourself. Lisa x
@Siren Firstly thank you for sharing what is going on. I know admitting to anyone that you arent doing well is super tough. I am sorry that you are struggling with these things. I know that I have also dealt with these things. Personally I also relate to that continuing feeling of it just getting worse. Currently my own personally way of looking at life is that one moment it will be tough and we wont feel like fighting but when you are at least reaching for that help we need to know that there is hope. I personally know that life isnt an easy battle. Like last night for me thoughts of just not feeling how I felt ran to me and I have come to find that baby steps or even reaching out like you did are some of the most amazing ways to help yourself. I dont know if you have read the book rewrite by Heartsupport I used that book as one means of battling my more serve self harm issues. One thing I want to say tho is that self harm may seem like it is solving the issue at the time but it is just a cover (a quick fix) I know how easy it is to just jump to those easy fixes but the worth and value of finding a long term answer is important. No taking your life isnt going to change it either sadly but let me ask this does anything like working out, or doing something like art or such has ever helped you in the moments of feeling like that would help release you back to the more comforting settling thoughts. I get that maybe some of them arent possible but it can be helpful. I am hopeful that you know that we care. I am very glad you shared this.
I’m not sure if I can say anything better than our friends have, but I will do my best. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve begun to self harm. It’s a very unfortunate bad coping habit, but hopefully I can help you find ways to replace it. I can offer you a few resources that have alternatives, and I can give you some advice on my own for what’s helping me.
Self-Harm Alternatives
I’m also not sure what you use to self harm, but I would suggest getting rid of it or having your partner “hide” it. When I feel the urge, I tend to take a hot shower but remove my razor so I don’t have that option.
Some things that I have found helpful include
ice - holding it in my hands, but I’ve heard sticking your face in ice cold water is a shock that can help stop panic attacks
self care; I enjoy doing face masks if I have any, painting my nails, or just what I can to pamper myself
go for a walk, if weather permits
listen to upbeat music and dance (even if its bad)
I have some temporary tattoos I like to put on where I want to self harm
watching my comfort tv shows or movies
Hopefully one of these or something on the list can help. Please make sure to take care of the area by cleaning it with gentle cleanser and keeping it sterile - using vaseline/petrolium jelly and a bandage. Vaseline will help it heal with less scarring.
Make sure you talk to your partner about your feelings, hopefully before you lash out. If you do, give them a sincere apology. I’m certain they must worry about you too.
Heartsupport is always here for you.
A free resource can be emergency hotlines. Most countries have them, and I know in the U.S. you can do an online chat as well. They are trained professionals to help when you feel suicidal, so don’t feel bad if you’re using that resource as well.
It’s been a while but I have a bit of an update.
I have gotten into a safe place again and my living is okay.
My eldest pet passed and i can’t quite get used to that.
My Self harm has lowered. My partner is aware of how I feel.
Without triggering anyone else here my “tool” of choice isn’t an item but myself? If that makes sense.
It’s still not great and I still feel like a failure but I can tell there is light again versus seeing only the dark muck.
It’s so lovely to hear from you and to see that things have been improving for you. I know that it’s not always rainbows and sunshine, but I do hope that you have been able to experience that but of reprieve from those burdens x
So many people feel like failures because their life didn’t unfold as expected. Truth be told, it rarely does. Even when it does, it feels different than anticipated. Sometimes in spite of reaching considerable success, a person identifies with being a failure, despite abundant evidence of personal growth and having overcome obstacles.
I know someone who on the day of graduation with honors, still felt like a failure, and decided that his success was somehow a fluke.
Consider two things, you’ve not only survived, but have gotten at least a bit better. Not only that, but you see light. The other thing is, failure only occurs when we stop trying, and don’t start trying again.
I’m sorry about losing your pet. I had two cats, one passed at 17, the other at 20. I still sometimes feel as though I can sense them. Shortly before passing, the 20 year old dragged in a half dead feral kitten. That was 9 years ago, and I still have the cat, who is now nearly 20 pounds, like an overweight Garfield, and still a bit feral, but we’re still friends. Clearly, he thinks of himself not as a pet, but an equal.
I’m sure you gave your pet a good life. Wouldn’t it be great if they lived as long as we do?