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I'm giving up on the mental health work. (Relapse)

Yesterday I had another mental breakdown, I punch myself in the head, bang my head into the steering wheel and had bitten my arm. I was in an public parking lot and everyone was there. Even thou I was in my car, it was the most humalting feeling of my life. Im 28 years and act like 5 year child, I cant control my emoitions, no matter how hard I try.

Im giving up on trying to make myself better, Im admitting defeat. I dont care about my mental health anymore, I dont care about trying to find a girlfriend. Im also going be cutting out my friends out my life. I dont deserve love or friendship. I can not hande relationship in any kind. Im too self center and I cant control my feelings.

I wish I could be normal human being, I wish I did not have to self harm or suffer like this. I even wrote a suicide note today. Im not going to kill myself yet, but soon or later this disease is going to kill me. I made a tons of mistakes and develop evil thoughts in my head. Sometime I want to take my pain out on others and hurt them bad.

Im greatful that I dont have childern, I should never be a father and im thinking of getting surgery to make sure I dont have childern.

I dont know if I can ever get better.

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Wow your situation sounds intense! I’m worried that your plan will cause you more suffering than if you continue to work on yourself. Have you made any progress over the years? I don’t know what you’re going through, but whatever it is, it sounds like you’re extremely frustrated and it’s understandable given the experiences and perspective you’ve described. However I’m pretty confident that any human being isolating themselves will lead to more issues, and more pain. Running from problems usually doesn’t make them better, it just makes them fester and boil.

Are you okay with sharing a little of what’s going on? Are you in therapy? I don’t think anyone really controls their feelings. We just find ways to express them which have various consequences. Some consequences can be very positive, some can be very negative. I learned to numb myself, but the feelings didn’t go away… unconsciously they lead to a lot of paranoia and isolation. Now I’m working on expressing my emotions after over two decades of hiding them.

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Also you do deserve both love and friendship. It’s who we are as a species. We need each other and you are important. What’s the disease?

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xtimesRemains

I have been going to therapy, for many years where I also to anxiety group and try learn some teches to battle my feelings. Lately I would go for 4 week with out having a mental breakdown. I hate people say that you are doing good and then everything falls apart. It never ending battle. I wish I could be normal, not bang my head on stuff or punching my head. I fear for the furture were I dont my depression will kill or I will get a brain tomor from it.

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Wow, years of therapy and you’re still having these breakdowns. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not sure what you’re going through or what you mean by mental breakdown. Like why do you bang your head? Is it anger? At the world? Yourself? Is it stress? Pain? What about? Only if you want to share… please don’t feel pressured. I don’t know that hitting your head will cause a brain tumor, but I have heard of lots of brain damage and emotional issues being caused by physical brain traumas, especially with athletes. Anyway, hitting your head is probably not making the problem better, worse if anything. Your head is precious!

Do you allow yourself to cry about these things? Btw I’ll be 27 this month and I’m also dealing with a lot of issues. They’re not the same, but I have lots of emotional detachment, paranoia, intimacy issues, social awkwardness… I can relate to feeling less developed than you feel you should be.

I’m sorry you’re in such a painful spot right now. You don’t have to self harm. You may not be in control of your feelings, but you are in control of how you respond to them. I’ve been suppressing my feelings since I was probably about 3-4 years old. I believe we never truly suppress our emotions, they just fester and find another way to release… through irrational responses to things. I’m learning to express my feelings now. I’ve been so lucky to have a therapist and a few friends who have helped me so much in learning how to use them to my benefit rather than being overwhelemed and hurt by them. I’m no expert, but I’m fully convinced that there are ways to release emotions productively. Rather than banging your, head, why don’t you vent with me, as angrily as you want to… what’s angering you? Let it out. Yell and cry as you write if you’d like. Let me know, I’m listening. Edit: I just realized how this may not be a totally safe thing to do on the web. So please use your judgement if this is something you want to do. Don’t wanna give out details of people or hate towards groups and stuff like that.

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I know how you feel I was at that point myself I had a panic attack a week and half ago I thought I was going to die. Its not a good feeling. Just know you are part of a community that loves and cares for you.

Hi, my friend. There’s so much here… You sound so frustrated, and clearly you just want things to be different. I was streaming on twitch tonight and the viewers and I worked hard to put together a video for you with our thoughts that you can see here: https://youtu.be/LpuGQ3l8iNA

Best of luck to you, my friend.
-twitch.tv/mydaddycangame

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