I'm going to attempt suicide

I’m done. I’m completely done. I can’t continue living while suicidal. I can’t keep on living while wanting to stab myself every time i make a minor mistake. I can’t live when I’m basically tantalising myself. I can’t afford professional help and i have no friends and on top of that there’s no suicide hotline in my country. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t even have the energy to be suicidal for long; in order for me to be suicidal i have to be in a vulnerable state of mind, like for example being anxious. I’m in dentistry school, so i’m always anxious when i’m there. You can clearly see why i absolutely suck. I’m not making any progress at all… I mean, how can I? All i think of is banging my head against a wall, and that’s not good for someone who’s supposed to treat patients. I’m tired. I gave myself three years. Today is the third anniversary of my last suicidal attempt. I guess i ran out of time. I gave myself three years thinking i would somehow get better, thinking maybe i’m worthy, hoping to make a friend, begging for less anxiety and less suicidality, but it was all for nothing. I beat alcohol i beat cutting i even quit smoking, just to be in the best shape i can be. But three years later i find myself in the same position i was. Staring at the rope, debating if i should do it or not. I tried playing the guilt card, using my family as an excuse; they literally didn’t trust me when i told them my uncle was sexually abusing me as a kid, so nope. They don’t care about me. And why exactly would i continue suffering simply because it would hurt them? I’ve triee asking them to help me financially to seek professional help but they wouldn’t help. I’m 21 years old; i know i have a whole life ahead of me, but, again, i can’t live anymore. People always say nothing lasts, and that it will all go away, well i’ve been waiting! Where did that get me? More pain, more suffering, more misery. My anxiety is only getting worse, I’m developing osteoarthritis in my tmj because of it.( I have bruxism because of my anxiety but one side of my face is stronger than the other so my jaw shifted to that stronger side. Other than looking ugly as fuck, i developed a tmj disorder ( whenever i open my jaw it clicks painfully) there’s no point in trying, i’m a lost cause. I would LOOOOOOVVVE to talk to a professional but i can’t afford that. I would LOOOOOOOVE to call a hotline to get guidance through this, but there’s no one to call.

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Hey @Hemadoha,

I’ve read your other post. Read what you shared about your studies, this feeling of hopelessness you’ve been carrying for a while now, your health struggles (I have cholinergic urticaria too. Also pressure urticaria and dermographism. I know it really sucks and tend to get worse for some of us through the years). It’s objectively a lot to deal with. And on the top of that, this freaking anxiety that affects your daily life. I hear you. I hear your frustration, your exhaustion, your desire to get better yet this feeling that all the doors in front of you are closed. It hurts even more when it’s closed by people who are supposed to show that they love and care about us, such as family.

With all of these circumstances and obstacles in your life, it makes sense to think about suicide as a valid option and, trust me, I’m in a similar emotional state these days. I understand how it feels. But you didn’t survive three years ago to give up now. Your efforts are not in vain. And it would be unfair to give yourself a time that you’d need to respect in order to get better, just because there’s also things we can’t control in this life.

I hear your desire and need to feel better now. Maybe even to have a magic wand that could solve everything instantly. Honestly, I’ve dreamed of that one so many times… especially when I was begging for a relief, any kind of relief. But hell, you’ve quit cutting, alcohol and smoking. This is progress. And it’s thanks to YOUR determination, strength and perseverance. You also reached out to your family and bravely shared about being sexually abused when you were young. Even if your family reaction was so, so wrong, YOU did the right thing. I want to encourage you to be proud of the efforts you’ve been dedicating to your well-being. Seriously. Maybe your family doesn’t see it, maybe people around you are not aware of your strength, but we see you here. I see you right now. Vulnerable, sharing a raw and honest expression of your heart. And I can tell there is a lot of strength within you.

You have objective reasons to feel exhausted and at the end of your rope right now. But you are not defeated. When we’re thinking about giving up, it’s like wearing glasses that paint everything in black. We start to list all the things that are not functioning in our life and it feels unbearable. But one step at a time, friend. One day at a time. Not everything you mentioned will be addressed tomorrow or quickly, as it’s mostly about long-term perspectives. But you are worth the efforts it takes to overcome those obstacles in your life. You are worth to live the dreams you want to live, to reach the goals you want to reach, even if it takes more time than for others to get there.

Right now, your priority is to give yourself the time you need to let this storm pass. Yes, the problems will still be there tomorrow, but you are allowed to rest, to take care of yourself so you’d be in a better emotional state to tackle those obstacles, one by one.

If nobody in your life is showing that they care, if no one hear your voice, then know that you are heard, seen and cared for, here and now. Please, make sure to stay safe. You don’t deserve any harm. Nothing is written already.

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You don’t deserve to die. You didn’t kill anyone. I think you just need a friend, and that’s what I’m here to be, no matter how many miles might me between us. So please, don’t die. I want to be your friend!

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Please do not commit suicide, your story is not over with. I know it’s hard seeing the light when there is so much going on. I’m not a professional, I don’t know the laws and I am not trained in the medical field etc so please take this with a grain of salt and not something concrete. I believe, but like I said I totally could be wrong if you go to the health department in your area I think they can help determine if you are eligible for health insurance. I think the hospital may also do the same but I could be wrong on that as well. I definitely encourage you to make phone calls, do your research and ask those types of businesses to see and if they can’t maybe they can direct you to places that can. There is help out there. I also believe there is a organization called RAIIN that helps those that were sexually abused, raped etc. Maybe you can try contacting them as well.

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Hemadoha,

Online there is a list of countries with suicide prevention numbers. Do an international suicide search. If your country is not on the list, call your emergency number. All over the world there are phone numbers to call in an emergency. Please use this option to get the support you need locally, and please keep posting, we’re here for you too. Peace

I tried calling the emergency number; they scolded me and told me to man up and that if i did i would go to hell. Listen, mental illness here is considered fake her by the majority of the population, which resulted in mental health professionals prices Skyrocketing and only accessible to the rich. There’s quite literally no way for me to go without money. The stigma of mental illness just being “not praying to god enough,” is what you always get here. Universities here don’t provide counseling, health insurance isn’t popular either, and i don’t have access to it. I don’t have any friends, my family wouldn’t help my in any way shape or form. I tried talking to my sister, but the same thing always happens “man up! If you suicide you go to hell,” only this time was a little nicer. I have nowhere to go, without money that is. I have tried the bathtub but i kept failing and it was kinds painful. I don’t want this to turn into how to kill yourself but i got another plan now. I don’t want to do it though. I want to fucking seek help but i don’t have the money to. Nor would i be able to afford it for the next eight years. I’m not waiting eight years with this bullshit. And yeah i may have achieved progress on some areas, but that’s the thing. I keep thinking i’m just faking it. I keep thinking it’s my fault for suffering. I keep thinking this is all my doing. It was my fault that i was sexually assaulted, i should’ve been able to fend for myself. It is my fault that i’m suicidal, it’s my fauly that i’m anxious. Maybe i’m just a pussy? A beta who just can’t handle it with real men? A ill-disciplined self-centred worthless dumb piece of humanity that’s a disgrace upon the human race. Someone who thought he was going to actually be a decent person, but it was all for nothing. It’s been like eight hours; i’ve just been staring at the bridge. I seriously don’t want to, but there’s nowhere for me to go. I’m better off dead.

And yeah i may have achieved progress on some areas, but that’s the thing. I keep thinking i’m just faking it. I keep thinking it’s my fault for suffering.

That makes sense, friend. Especially since you didn’t receive the support and care you needed in the past. You know, when I was young I reached out too to a family member about being molested by someone. I was accused of lying and was even punished for reaching out. With other events that happened in my life, I internalized the idea that I’d have to push myself beyond my limits all the time because I’d never be enough. Because whaat I do would never be real progress or accomplishments. I’d always look at the next goal to achieve so I could run away from myself.

It makes sense to feel like a fraud when you’ve been through such painful events as being sexually assaulted. It makes sense to feel inherently guilty for just being. But that guilt doesn’t belong to you, friend. It never belonged to you.

I tried calling the emergency number; they scolded me and told me to man up and that if i did i would go to hell. Listen, mental illness here is considered fake her by the majority of the population, which resulted in mental health professionals prices Skyrocketing and only accessible to the rich.

May I ask what’s the country you live in? I have to admit, it’s hard for me to understand why there would be an emergency number if they react that way. People who work in that kind of service are trained to help. They have to behave according to specific ethics and values. Of course, that doesn’t prevent some really, really wrong behaviors, and it sounds that you talked to that kind of person. Not everyone is like this though. Please don’t let those kind of experiences prevent you from reaching out when you need it. And if it’s not with an emergency number, there might be nonprofits to look after. In most countries, there are smaller organizations that work to increase prevention and to raise awareness in specific areas, which can include mental health.

t was my fault that i was sexually assaulted, i should’ve been able to fend for myself. It is my fault that i’m suicidal, it’s my fauly that i’m anxious. Maybe i’m just a pussy? A beta who just can’t handle it with real men? A ill-disciplined self-centred worthless dumb piece of humanity that’s a disgrace upon the human race.

Deep inside, you know that’s not true. Otherwise you wouldn’t feel this overwhelming pain, friend. I’m so sorry you were treated that way. So sorry you weren’t heard as you needed before. But this time is done now. We see you, friend. We hear you here. We want the best for you, genuinely. Your life is not over. Don’t use others behaviors and comments against yourself. You don’t deserve to inflict that pain on yourself.

With all my heart, I hope that you are safe right now. Please keep us up to speed with what’s going on. We care about you. You’re not alone.

Egypt. You can call the emergency number on a Saturday and they would say “we’re closed.” I know you just would not believe me and just say that i’m thinking about the negative in my life. I tried to find something to show you but they’re not in English, but i found this article that might give you an insight to it. https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/57448/Egypt-needs-to-activate-hotline-to-support-suicidal-people-Psychiatry
I didn’t attempt suicide. I’ll delay it a further week. My uncle is going to have surgery for his heart and i think i should be at least alive to see him better.
But yeah, i appreciate all the kind words and thank you all for taking the time to read all of my stupidity. But the reality is, i’ll never be able to do anything good in my life. Sitting down and just waiting for my issues to go away is only making them worse; the anxiety is getting worse by time, my tmj condition is developing into arthritis. Those are things that i have no control over. That is true. But they define me. I haven’t been able to make progress in university because of my anxiety. I can’t talk to people without looking like i wanna choke them from all the pain i feel when i open my mouth. These are defining me. And it sucks that I can’t do anything about them; so it only makes sense if i kill myself. I don’t even know anymore. I keep finding excuses not to, but idk if that would last.

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