I am an awful person. I know you guys don’t know me, and will tell me that I’m not to make me feel better, but it’s true. I’m toxic to the people I care about. I don’t do it on purpose, but it doesn’t matter because I am, and don’t know what to do to fix it. I tried therapy and that didn’t help because they said that nothing was wrong with me( I seemed like someone who can work through my problems, because I could explain how I felt to them, and why, but when I said i cant do that for people I care about they didn’t connect the dots) That’s how I ruined my relationship with my family. I could never talk to them about any of my problems because I always pushed them to the side to help them with theirs. Then when I couldn’t handle mine anymore I didn’t know how to express myself to them properly because I was scared that I would hurt their feeling, and start a fight because thats what i spent so much time fixing in my house between everyone else, so I wouldn’t answer them fast enough and that would cause more problems making it harder to talk to them because anything i said would cause a fight if it was about how I felt. I turned to my friends for support they were there for me. The one I talked to the most doesnt talk to me one on one anymore because he is scared to talk to me. Currently I’m living with one of my friends, and a different one’s family helped me get and fix up a beater of a car because when I told my family how I felt after 19 long painful years they kicked me out and took my car away that I was paying for but in their name. They still force me to talk to them every so often, and visit them and i think they do regret kicking me out but I cant go back there. I would rather be dead than live with them. I wasnt ever good enough for them no matter how hard i tried or what i did i felt like a disappointment. Now im having a hard time talking to my friends about how I feel because I was making progress in becoming happy again but I’ve gotten so much worse and don’t want to tell them in fear of putting to much on their plates again. I already ruined one friendship because I couldn’t handle my own problems. They have their own issues too, and I never even thought of that when I vented to them or what they could handle. I almost hope that they cut me off finally so I can be free from the pressure of letting them down anymore. They are the only ones left to disappoint I did that to myself when I got into drinking and smoking to cope with my problems. I know things are getting worse between me and them too because they can talk to me, I just never know how to respond. I can know what I want to say to them I just never can and it tears me to shreds. I think the only reason they talk to me still is because they know that I would kill myself if it wasn’t for them, and because they know how much I do care about them when it comes down to it. It’s just hard watching yourself destroy every relationship you care about and not know how to stop yourself when you can do anything else you set your mind to. ( which i do mean that part almost literally I am talented, scored very well in school, good with tech, good with machines, food, can play instruments, bilingual, and I am letting it all go to waste because I hate myself, and reflect that onto others and cant stop myself)
Hi @Mayo12345085. I’m sorry about what you’ve been going through. I’m sorry that the therapist you went to see didn’t understand that you needed exercises to work with to help you from repeating whatever the “destructive” behavior is that causes relationship issues. I’m not a counselor, and I’m sorry if this is wrong, but to me it sounds like this stems from either an anxiety problem, and worrying about how others will react because past experience taught you that in the long run others will react in a way that you feel is negative or possibly dismissive towards your troubles, OR it stems from trust issues- one or more people cared for a while or at least acted as if they cared, then told you they were done or just stopped contacting you, and so now you don’t trust that anyone will stay if you speak out. I’m sorry if this is wrong, but this is what I see in general in what I read with what you wrote.
While we are mostly in control of our actions, a lot of times there’s a learned behavior that’s causing the problem, and it’s hard to change it if you don’t get instruction on how to change it, and then you have to put it into practice and actually work on it or looking for help doesn’t really work.
I’d like to suggest that you seek out other counselors if and/or when you are able. If you told the counselor you saw that you need help figuring out how to try to change that behavior to have better relationships, then the counselor should have been able to give you guidance on how to work through it. That counselor obviously didn’t understand the problem, and so again, I believe that you should look for another counselor. Try to find one that specializes in whichever sounds most correct for how you feel what’s causing your actions. A lot of people don’t necessarily work well with the first couple of therapists they see, so don’t feel as if the counselor not working out for you was a failure on your part. That’s a normal occurrence, even though it can be disheartening and/or frustrating.
I hope something I said helped in some way. I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I hope soon you’re able to start having some great relationships with your loved ones soon.
You are pretty much right on the bullseye. The other problem I have is as a kid I fixed all of my problems on my own because asking for help in my house only caused more problems so I don’t know how to especially if someone else says that I’m fine even if I’m not. I avoid conflict even if it hurts me because I’m too scared of it because I have so few examples of there being conflict that doesn’t cause more problems and I just want to be happy, and have the people I care about be happy but it’s not possible to make everyone happy and I know that so I put other people first. It got to the point to where that destroyed me mentally physically and emotionally, only hurting the people i care about more, they tried to help me fix my problems to the best of their ability, but i have the same bad habits, and I can’t seem to break them, and i cant even start seeing a therapist now if i wanted too because im out of my job due to carona, and i have no health insurance. Thank you for your response hopefully I can just be a good person and fix my problems
But the thing is @Mayo12345085, despite what’s happened, you already are a good person. There is a good person in there. The fact that you care about others and the fact that you recognize some of the things you do as negative actions that hurt not only yourself but also other people even if you meant well tells me that deep down, you are good, you just don’t know how to change it. As I said, it’s a learned behavior and no matter how good of a person you are, it’s difficult to changed learned behavior without guidance, although it can be accomplished in some cases. I’m sorry that you weren’t allowed to talk about your problems with your family when you were a kid. That’s a basic need that everyone has no matter what stage of life they’re in, and I’m sorry you were denied that.
I get that you can’t afford to see a new therapist, a lot of people are struggling right now
because of this virus. Heartsupport has a 7 day free trial with betterhelp. If you’re interested in trying it and maybe getting a little bit of counseling, Betterhelp asks for your credit card info because they automatically charge, but if you cancel the membership before the seven days is up, you won’t be charged. You seem to be able to get out how you feel through messages, so it may help you to do some online counseling to start with. At the very least, you could ask for help trying to figure out how to find the best counselor for you so you’re prepared when you’re ready and able to see someone, whenever your finances and health insurance is in a better state.
This is the link if you want to check out betterhelp to see if it’s something you would be interested in.
And don’t forget… We are always here to talk to.
~Daisy 