I started a year long program in July of 2021. During the past 6 months I have broke off my engagement to my partner of 9 years for a lot of reasons that I don’t really want to get into. With this I have little to no money because he was supporting me. I maybe make $350 a month, it’s a stipend from the program. To make things even more complicated, during this program I have grew quite close with one of the guys here, we hit it off and recently it has been going down hill really fast and for reasons similar to why I left my engagement. I feel like I am backed in a corner with no where to go. I have maybe $500 dollars to my name, no car, no where to live. I have applied to countless jobs and can’t seem to get even an interview.
I feel so defeated and trapped. I haven’t stopped crying. I have talked with my brother and one of my closest friends but I don’t see any hope in my future and that is so scary. I don’t necessarily want to end my life but I don’t/can’t see me getting out of this feeling. How does one start from literally no where? I am really scared that I wont be able to get out of this rut.
I am sorry that you are feeling trapped and what I assume might be overwhelmed.
For what its worth, you are making major change in your life and that is anything but defeated…that is taking control of your life, but too much responsibility all at once is overwhelming so, also for what its worth: you’re not wrong to feel like you do (not that feelings are ever wrong, but that is a whole 'nother thing).
I take mantras/sayings from books and TV shows and one I like is from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Don’t Panic! - you have a lot on your shoulders and feeling the anxiety coming on is an opportunity to take a few moments and meditate/center yourself/dance/do what you need to do to get your head straight. Another saying is from Burn Notice: “One Problem at a time.”
Maybe keep a list of everything that you need to do eventually. It might help to rank things in order of importance so you at least know…ok I need to figure out the bus schedule before I can figure the next thing…or whatever.
I do not know how everything is where you live…if there are jobs etc, but I have found that putting effort into the application makes it stand out/following up after a couple days and trying to speak with whomever does the hiring to follow up etc.
Another line is “a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step”. The good news is you have already taken the first steps on a new path. It looks like there are a bunch of twists and turns but try to stay calm and enjoy the adventure.
I hope there are relatives that can help you as well as both gov’t and non-gov’t programs that can assist you.
If nothing else…think of the live you would like to be living ten years from now and start working towards that. Also for what its worth I think you have gotten out of your rut already (and as someone that loves his ruts I know getting out of mine is scary and anxiety making like a monster).