I'm Honestly Confused

Okay, here we go. I’m here because of the As I Lay Dying documentary (who most definitely gives me cold chills every time I listen to them.)
I feel empty. I can’t explain why though. I work a great job; I stream on twitch; and I have a small circle of friends that I can trust with my life. I’ve been through hell growing up eventually being clinically diagnosed with anxiety, major depression disorder, PTSD, and a mood disorder which still has yet to be determined. I don’t take any medication for any of it (I choose not to because I grew the will to battle these conditions and issues.) While these issues are under control I still can’t help the fact that I feel genuinely empty. I refused to ask people for help in determining the cause of my emptiness because I strive to provide a listening ear and a helping hand to people who need it. So as much as I struggled not to, I’m finally asking for help and/or a different perspective on things. I’ve managed to survive breakdowns, suicide attempts, and mental hospitals but this empty feeling has gotten out of hand. I don’t know how to begin to fill the void and I guess that’s why I’m truly confused.

To sum it all up, I’m living the best life I possibly can but I feel that the void within me is preventing me from fully enjoying and experiencing things. So if someone out there can relate or has overcome an issue like this I would like to know how you overcame it, or how you determined the cause.

Hey there,

First,I want to say welcome and thank you for being here and reaching out! That is really hard to do and takes a lot of strength! I can tell you are a really strong and determined person based on what you have shared here. It takes a lot of courage to not only keep fighting and advocating for yourself, but to also ask for help. I too have been diagnosed with anxiety and major depressive disorder, so I know what a struggle that can be. That being said, I have also experienced seasons where I just feel empty. Things in my life had been going well, I had a great support system and everything, but I still felt empty. I didn’t understand it at the time so I ended up seeing a counselor for a while to try and get to the bottom of why I might be feeling so empty no matter how good things were in my life. I found it extremely helpful to have a person who was unbiased listen to me and help me look at things in a different light. For me, it was part of my depression, but through counseling I gained tools I could use to help cope. I believe you will find healing and know that this community believes in you as well! Keep fighting, you can do this.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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Hey friend! First of all, thank you so much for sharing with us! Welcome to the Heart Support community.

Well, for the empty feeling, i tend to try to find hobbies to fullfil that emptiness within me. I like to go to shows, do art, and help others. Helping others tend to make me feel emotions, feel positive emotions and be filled with empathy and hope and positivity. Hearing other peoples’ stories fills my heart with gratitude and being able to help people makes me feel like i have a purpose in life. I think your mindset about your mental illnesses and medication is awesome though! You are so strong friend, I hope this helps a little bit. Hold Fast.

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I appreciate the encouragement. It means a lot. I’m positive I will eventually find the cause and cure for this void. Over the past few years of struggling with this I did manage to pick up a lot of hobbies and interests in my pursuit to fill the void. I didn’t think that it could be from something I struggled with in the past. So @Hannah2911, thank you for sharing that info. @alilkatiekatt I picked up card magic, rubiks cubes, pc building, mosh pits, and a lot of other things in my pursuit. While all of those things helped me become a better person, they didn’t quite fill the void. But I do see your point, I also feel like I have purpose when I help someone out even if it’s just listening.

Hey there!

I can’t say that I’ve personally struggled with all of the things you have, but I do know that I have struggled with some of those things like self-harm, suicidal thoughts and an attempt. Along with non-diagnosed depression and anxiety, I feel like I spent way too much of my life (one that so many would consider a great life) trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And I’d spend more of my time trying to make others happy than I ever did just trying to take care of myself.

It’s a good thing that you spend time being a listening ear and helping hand to others, that can be so helpful to them and to you, because you can eventually find people that may have similar struggles as you. I’m really glad you found the As I Lay Dying documentary and that you posted here, because this community lives to do what you’re doing: be there for people who struggle. Asking for help alone can change your perspective because you may find that you indeed are not alone in your struggles and that people do love, care about you, and want to see you succeed. I’d love to get to know your community more on Twitch and see what all you do there and connect you more through Heart Support’s Twitch community. Asking for help is a huge step and helps so much with perspective, and while I can’t offer so much more specific advice, there are so many others who can further help you and be there with you.

We want you to know above all else that there is hope and that you are not alone. We’re really glad you’re here. Hold fast <3


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