Hey guys, I’m new here and this is a bit scary but, here we go…
When I was little my family wasn’t what you would call “picture perfect” I grew up in a double wide with 3 big brothers and 2 parents. 2 parents who couldn’t stop getting drunk or high and would constantly fight and throw things around the house. My brothers and I were constantly in the middle of raging parties and had no idea what was going on around us. We would always be at my moms “friends” house or at ours partying with the same people.
The “friend” was a married couple who had children aging 3-17 boys and girls. One of the older boys had already been in trouble many times for sexual assault against children in their family or in the neighborhood. My parents over looked this particular detail for a while. I’m not sure if it was because they didnt believe it or if they didnt think something would happen or what they had going on in their heads. Like o said they were always drunk or high. I was just a child though so I had no idea what anything around me meant. I didnt know what was happening was wrong and I didnt know that the lifestyle I was growing up in was scary until the day that the boy previously mentioned took me into a shed in the middle of one of the parties. I dont want to go into to detail but I’m sure you can put 2 and 2 together.
This happened for months on months and I was told “this is our little secret, you cant tell anyone or you’re going to be in trouble” well I kept that shitty little secret until 5 months ago when I accidentally made a shitty joke about it to my dad. He of course went crazy and was concerned. he wont leave me alone about it now.
That’s not what I’m here for though. I’m 20 years old now and I’ve never really worked through this before. I actually spent years trying to convince myself that it never happened but I always see it in my dreams and it got increasingly worse when I was in my previous relationship. He was an angry man who honestly looked a lot like my abuser and he used me for a lot of things. I eventually left him but the dreams still come and go, the pain is still deep inside of me and I have no idea what to do about this hurt. I know I’m damaged and I know I can use this to help other people but how do I help myself?? I’m scared and I’m confused. I just dont want to hurt anymore.
Hey there, @LostInADaze, I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that, I can’t even imagine how it must’ve felt. No one deserves to go through something like that. The best advice I can give is going to see a therapist. Therapists are trained to help people work through hard experiences and situations, and can help you cope with the things that you’re feeling. I know that it can be scary reaching out for help, but in the end, it could help you a ton. Reaching out on here is the first step in getting help. Healing is always difficult but it’s always worth it, to move on from the pain, learn how to live again, and not be held back by the fear and memories. It’s hard to help other people if you’re still hurting this much and maybe going to see a therapist can help you learn how to help other people who’ve been through similar things that you’ve experienced.
I hope that you reach out further and find some help to move through this and become an even stronger person than you are now. There’s always people on here to reach out to and you can always make another post at any time. You’re loved and you matter. Hold fast, friend.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this, it’s horrible. I think you should look into therapy as everyone has mentioned as well. You need someone who you can talk to who can give you the tools for coping and healing. It works if you let it.
Hi @LostInADaze
Thank you so much for finding the courage to share this story here, it cannot have been easy but I am so glad you did.
I am truly sorry that your life started in that way, firstly with parents that were constantly fighting, drinking and taking drugs and not taking adequate care of you which is how that awful person managed to do the things he did and maybe one of the reasons you couldn’t tell anyone. That should never ever have happened of course and the fact that you have held that inside for so long is probably why you are now feeling so scared and confused.
I just cannot imagine going through all of that and keeping it all inside, it must be like having a kettle bubbling away waiting for the lid to pop off.
You have been through enough friend, just like the @ofmiceandben, @sita and @Mystrose have said I encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can sit and talk you through all those things that are trapped inside that need to come out so that you can move on with your life. You are not defined by what these people have done to you and with time and help you can move forward and have a wonderful life and this is your first step towards that.
I wish you love and luck with all of it and please stay in touch, here at heart support we have this wall, live streams on twitch that you can chat to people on or just watch if you are not ready to chat and Discord where you can also get to meet people. feel free to get to know everyone, We are all here to support each other.
Much Love
Lisa
