**I’m not very open to talking about my IRL situations. Here goes nothing… for over a year and a half, my parents and I had no choice but to help my grandmother from her past situations. Half of the year everything went just fine, half of the other year of 2022 she started wanting to help run the house, my mom and dad only told her that she is just a guest in the house. There are things I am not wanting to discuss about my grandmother since it is a serious and personal matter. My point on this post is that she has been talking to me about so many different ways that only ends with nonsense, confusion, and clear signs of dementia that she had been suffering from, last of all she compares me to be just like her. A week ago, always minding my own business eating food during lunch and doing her usual talking nonsense, leaving me confused when I got done, I decided to take a walk outside but she stopped me, she wanted me to talk and told me that ‘I am your grandmother!’. Clearly I wanted no conflicts with her but it seems like it was being taken by a new but physical attack by slamming the front door in front of me. It may seem wrong for me to say but my patience also got attacked. I wanted to hurt her but I knew that would make me as bad as she is, I’m not the kind of person to hurt someone… forgive me… I STILL want to hurt her the way she hurt me emotionally, mentally and newly adding physically. That all happened before I went to the gym to burn off some angry energy, throughout the day I just don’t want to talk to her anymore, I don’t want her near me anymore and if I say this to my parents? I’m not sure or ready for life lessons, more conflict drama, more verbal ab–e, and lastly any kind of huge changes. I’ve been living with her and understanding what she does, I’ve also tried to grow custom to me and her cooperating as a family. Regardless, she talks to me like I am the bad person EVERY…DANG… TIME!!! Trying to blame me as a black sheep for not being trusted, when in reality, it’s all nonsense when I have NO IDEA what she is talking about. When my grandmother slammed the door in front of my face, it felt like I didn’t belong in the house I’ve been living in longer than her living in the house for a year and half. I’m tired, I feel beaten up, I feel like I should trust myself more than trusting her, I feel like she and I have to go our separate ways. In my case, I don’t know how much longer I can take my patience, I should feel angry but sadly every day with her? All of my emotions, energy, sanity, heart and my soul. MY ENTIRE BEING feels like it got drained very dry. I feel just absolutely nothing. I want to plan things but I’m not a planning kind of person, I’ve barely scratched anything on paper. Whenever I live on my own or live with roommates, I have to get out of my comfort zone at some point, it may feel weird or just me not having any self-esteem… I’m done. I want out of drama, I want out of people fighting, verbally fighting, I’m done with the relationship with my grandmother, even when I’m supposed to love her? I’ve lost that touch and the feeling of the relationship that feels like it has been ruined already. I’ve done NOTHING wrong but she’s the one that has a lot of situations to put on MY mind, MY shoulders to carry, MY hands to fill and controlling MY life! She influenced me badly enough to have no self confidence, no self-esteem, no nothing. Been thinking a lot that I need to step up my game to find those again. It’s hard, difficult and keeps on getting worse… I shouldn’t feel pity for myself either. My whole story on this made me feel like I’ve lost all of my happiness. Guess what? I’m still here just wanting to be ME… NOT… Someone else’s.
Hi there @Scarlet_Riley,
Thank you for sharing with us; I know it can take a lot to talk about these sorts of deeply personal situations, so I sincerely appreciate your trust and am glad that you decided to share here. I hope that sharing and getting this off your chest helped a bit, as this situation is a lot and I know that I’d be overwhelmed and upset if I was in your boat.
This situation with your grandma sounds incredibly difficult. For a little while, people are good at managing annoyances and frustrations, but it sounds like this has gone on and on and on to the point where it’s getting seriously emotionally taxing.
I also want to commend you: Nice job finding healthy outlets for these intense emotions, such as going to the gym and taking a walk. If it’s hurting you to talk to her, then avoiding her (within reason – I know you live in the same house) seems like a healthy and acceptable course of action, though it’s understandably painful to need to avoid someone like that.
It also sounds like these self-esteem challenges add to the pain. It can be so hurtful when it feels like you’re getting blamed when you aren’t doing anything wrong. If you aren’t a big planning person or are worried about going outside of your comfort zone, that’s okay. Everyone is different, and (by definition) most people prefer to stay in their comfort zone! This isn’t anything wrong with you; it’s simply part of life.
Your struggles are real and hard. With that said – regardless of all this – try remembering that you are a wonderful, valuable, articulate person.
Thank you again for sharing with us and trying out the HeartSupport Wall. I hope that sharing this has helped to lift the burden of this situation off your shoulders, even if just a bit, and hope that you continue reaching out and sharing here if anything is on your mind. Most of all, thank you, once more, for trusting us.
Scarlet, none of this is your fault.
Hold that in your heart and lean on that truth.
You are a good person. You deserve to make your way forward in your life.
You can also reach out to one of your parents and tell them the depth of your feelings. You are their treasure. You are loved.
Find your community and lean on them. You would be surprised to learn you are far from being alone with these tough situations and tough feelings.
You are loved. You are deserving. Keep reaching out.