I'm in a wierd place in my life

So i graduated high school this past Tuesday. A time of celebration usually but, Saturday morning i found out a friend of mine, class mate, someone who i performed with, my section leader, had killed himself, 3 days before we were supposed to graduate. I’ve already gone through my grieving and i know it’ll come in waves. As a school we are all in pain. We all came together as a school for his vigil Thursday and his service was yesterday. I watched staff and friends, my band director, my principal since 6th grade to now, all cry and mourn together. Its been so hard and especially knowing im still struggling every now and then with suicidal thoughts and my own internal conflictions. I could’ve empathized with him if I knew what was going on. But i know i cantblame myself, I can’t go back and change anything. It just hurts so much being someone who wants to help people. Knowing he felt so alone. Knowing how he must’ve felt. I remember being that low and having courage to reach out for help. It hurts that I couldn’t convince him to do the same. He was constantly so optimistic and helpful. A Validictorian, great musican, a great friend, great athlete. He had such a goofy laugh and smile. He is a beautiful person. I love so much and these past few days I’ve wanted to hold everyone tightly and let them know how much they’re loved. I don’t want this to happen again to anyone. At the least seeing my school come together and the support and love around me has helped. It’s been beautiful to witness, hearing memories and his cheesy jokes. I thought after seeing all this I wouldn’t ever think I’d feel suicidal again. But here i am feeling low again, questioning myself again. Maybe fighting is just a bit harder because all this emotional drain. I feel heavy and so numb. I’m trying to surround myself with people constantly to fight it because once I’m alone I slip. I don’t know what i need or how to help myself but i feel so drained and tired. I feel helpless. I feel scatterbrained.

hey @Ag07 , friend im so sorry you and your school mates had to deal with grief. You are not alone. BTW, congrats on graduation i know it will be hard without your friend but it will be better ater you grief and cheerish the memories you guys had together. Even though not everyone knows someone who commited suicide, everyone still goes through grief. I lost an old classmate to a bad car accident that killed him. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please keep reaching out to those who you trust. Trust me on this, this isnt to much on him or he would of told you. Hold fast You’re worth it!

Hey friend.

I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I’m glad that you’ve chosen to reach out here with how you feel. And I want you to know that what you’re feeling is valid. I, too, lost a good friend just months after I graduated high school. I questioned myself on what I could have done differently to help him, but I was at a loss. When things like this happen, we can get stuck in a cycle of “What if’s”. And it’s the toughest cycle to ever be in, because we will analyze EVERYTHING. And sometimes, we’ll just never know. My hope for you is that you’ll be able to find your way forward from this. Take the good memories you have of and with your friend and hold them to your heart. And keep reaching out. We are here for you more than you know.

Much Love!