My mom just did a skin check on me, and she saw the 52 new cuts I made on my stomach and I had to tell her they were old, and she believed me. It’s really stressing me out not knowing when she’s gonna ask. And I really just wanna cut myself deep again, like I did before I went to the hospital. When I cut them the blood was dripping down my arm and they eventually bruised and I just really liked the feeling of it and the sting. It made me feel like I could do anything since I guess I’m not afraid to take a razor blade to my arms, legs, wrist, etc. Just watching the blood pour out of my body just makes me feel a little better I guess, and yeah it’s only short term betterness since I end up feeling guilty about it and doing it again, then it’s just an endless cycle. Afer these 5 months or so that I’ve been cutting now that I stopped as of 2 days ago I just can’t stop thinking about it and it makes me want to cut myself so bad. It’s just a consent feeling that i want to kill myself too, and lately I’ve been looking up and trying to think of ways to do it, and it makes me feel like a horrible person for looking it up and wanting to do it cuz i’d be leaving my boyfriend and my family behind, and my boyfriend says he’ll probably kill himself if I kill myself and I don’t want him to kill himself or live in pain if he doesn’t, I just don’t want to live anymore, I wish I could just die and everyone forgot about me.
From: Night/in/gale (Discord)
Hey friend! I’m really sorry about what’s been going on :(. Self harm is a bizarre addictive cycle in my experience and one that’s very hard to break. Findings alternatives is much easier said than done, but it’s a good idea to have a look around (pen, cutting candle wax or other methods) But you are much stronger than you think you are, and you can make it through this. For my part, I was terrified of my mother finding out, but she didn’t react nearly as negatively as I thought. And if yours does, maybe it’s a “in the heat of the moment” reaction. I’m sure she wants nothing but the best for you! I’ve also been able to use the love I feel for my family and the love they have for me as a motivation to keep the urges at bay and to keep going through the stormy times. I don’t want to hurt my family, and I can see that you don’t either. I’m not sure how helpful anything I say will be, but let yourself be helped by people who know how to help you. Don’t believe you’re in this fight alone, because you aren’t. You’re dearly loved by your family, you boyfriend and all of us in the community. I sincerely hope you can break the cycle and that things will start looking up! You are loved! Keep fighting!
From: j71s8 (Discord)
You are so loved, you matter so much, and you are so cared for! You are worthy of life, you are worthy of healing, you are worthy of feeling free! You are deserving of these things because you are human. You deserve the cycle to stop. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about this? One thing i like to do is focused, purposeful journaling which allows me to keep an active style of writing going where i am trying to write for my mental health with specific exercises versus free writing. Focusing in on a specific topic, but changing the topic daily (and then going back) took time, but it started making a lot happen. Purposeful, focused, journaling is something that can be of help. You are loved! You matter! You are cared for!
From: Micro (Discord)
Dear Brokenglass, you are dealing with a lot right now. Your mom doing a skin check, the fear of failing your boyfriend, all the emotions that go along with dealing with self-harm urges. It had to take an incredible amount of strength to keep posting on the wall, to be here today with us, and truly I admire you for this. You are so strong, but it can be hard to realize it when life keeps throwing obstacles at you. When you feel overwhelmed and pressured, it makes sense to rely on something to cope, even if it’s unhealthy, and even if paradoxically it feels like a relief at the moment. This cycle doesn’t have to be endless though. It feels hopeless while you are leading this battle, but every step forward that you take is worth it. There’s no small step, no small accomplishment when it’s about your health and your well-being. Only progress that deserves to be acknowledged. And every time you’ve reached out here on the Wall, it was progress. It’s during these moments that you speak with your heart, that you want to say “enough is enough”, (and you have the right to say it!) that you keep standing up for yourself. Please know that healing is worth it and it IS possible. There are resources, like the workbook ReWrite, that you can explore with our help here in this community. You are not alone. We are willing to support you. Many people in this community have struggles with the same obstacles, and they learned to heal at their own pace. These success stories are not only for others. It’s yours too. Please don’t give up on yourself. <3
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