I'm just so tired

Hello all,
So this is actually my first time posting. I was introduced to heartsupport back in 2011 but never felt like I needed it. In my stubbornness, I kept telling myself I don’t need to talk to anyone or write anything down . I am currently overseas serving a year tour in the middle east. This is my third time over here but this time its different. Im older now I have two beautiful kids that I had to leave behind. My position at work doesn’t really allow me to form close bonds or even talk about what I am thinking or feeling. Before coming out here back in January my life took a nose dive. My now ex wife and I split up 3 years ago, since then my life has been one giant mess after another. I spent many nights drinking my pain away, sleeping with women ( who were taken, married) none of it mattered.I knew I was wrong and I knew I was headed down a path I didn’t want to go down. I used drinking and sex to mask my pain. I used sex because it was when I felt the closest to someone, I could open up and be vulnerable even just for the moment. I could feel something other than pain and anger. I felt great in the moment, but after I just felt even worse. I have been battling myself ever since. That’s just some background leading into how I have been lately. So I have been out here going on 6 months and its has been a battle of lifetime. I have a lot of time to think and mull over everything terrible thing I have done. I get stuck in my own head for days. Work days Im there but Im not. When I am off, I barely leave my bed. I just sleep, because when I sleep I cant feel anything. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I have been doing things to try and improve myself but finding the motivation to follow through with anything is a struggle in itself. Iv started the self help books, hit the gym , started school again, and even teaching my self to play guitar but none of that is shaking this rut I am in. I have no idea where I’m headed in the next six months. My life feels like its on hold right now and waiting… but for what ? I have no idea. I literally sit in my room and break down thinking about how I have wasted so much of my life and I have nothing to show for it. I’m not where I wanted to be by this age. Just an overwhelming feeling sometimes it just to much. Maybe the reason all of these things are hitting me a lot harder is because I don’t have booze or sex to help cope with my feelings. I don’t know but I can say its been a battle with depression. I’m just tired… exhausted. I’m ready for the storm to pass.

Hey man, I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. I too serve, still serve, prob know where you are serving :wink:. The routines… they get you thinking. Lot’s of time to reflect and be discouraged. I was told one time that “God will let me know if something needs to be changed once, but the devil will ensure that I beat myself up and stay in the wrong mindset”. Once I realized this, I was set free! I realized that my thoughts were deceitful and ultimately lies. The father of lies… satan… used my thoughts against me, kept me down, kept me numb, made me remember over and over and over the times that I screwed up. Told me that I wasn’t good, that I can’t be forgiven, that I am too lazy, tired, etc etc… Overall I felt worthless…

God is love. God is forgiveness. He is the Father. He does not kick me down and keep his foot on my throat. He puts His arms around me and lifts me up. Satan is the opposite. Once I connected the dots my life changed. I became outward focused and most importantly forgave myself.

I don’t like to tell people what to do, because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. One thing that I have done on several deployments was to go and volunteer at the hospital. Long of the short is, serving others helps me find joy and fulfillment.

I have story after story man. Prob too much to type. But if you ever need someone who can relate… I am here.

Keep in touch!