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I'm kinda sick of thinking


#1

I’m kinda sick of being alive. Of trying only to find myself back back
Has anyone here ever heard of the song Crawling By Linkin Park?
That’s where I think I’m at right now
I sat in the shower, and started scratching, rubbing furiously, even biting a little, the arm on which I cut myself. I broke the skin the little, but didn’t really bleed. I still badly want to cut myself, to just watch the blood flow on me. I forgot my paycheck again at work. I don’t think I should be trying to get high, or drunk, but even though I’ve never really drunk or gotten high, I really badly want to right now. Things seem to be almost fine around me, but I’m not. I’ve never been alright. I think it’s really me that’s the problem in the house, not my little brother, not my mom, not my Dad, Me. I want to keep cutting myself, to just start screaming until I can’t feel anything anymore. Does that make sense, this rambling that I keep doing? If it makes you all feel better, than I hope that you are all okay.
I’m not, and I don’t think I ever will. I remember my Dad mentioning my Mom was taking Antidepressants when I was in the womb, so maybe that’s why I’m like this. I’m probably a crack baby, and my body desperately wants the drug. I want to cry, but it’s never when I want to cry that I normally cry. It’s either when I feel really broken, or like most of the time, when I’m in front of my family. I think I’m crazy, that I’m just repeating this cycle to make other people crazy just like me. Maybe not, I remember reading something about how your not really crazy if you think that you are crazy. So, that idea seems to be out of the window? Any suggestions, anybody?No? Great, then lets just have me shut up, and get back on subject. The point is, I think I’m really breaking down, and nothing has ever seemed to help. Anyone who has made it through these thoughts of mine, Thank you.
Jason


#2

I know you feel alone and scared and depressed but my advice to you is don’t give up, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Have you thought about seeking professional help? Maybe someone can help you and guide you through your problems. This website is made for it. They have links and phone numbers you can reach out to. You can always talk to other people here that’s what its for to help people that are going through similar struggles. Be Blessed.


#3

Hi Jason,

Thank you for reaching out and posting to the Heart Support forums. I’m proud of you for reaching out and making a post. That alone can be hard. I do want to say, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. You are human. Have you tried talking to anybody about how you are feeling? It is important to communicate the feelings you have, and seek out help if you can. I would like to suggest that you seek out professional help, and to reach out to somebody about the self-harm, and the feelings you are experiencing, and maybe even keep a journal.

I would also like to suggest you practice self love and self care. To make a list of things you like or love about yourself. Work on loving yourself. You are NOT the problem in the house. You are not a problem, you are not crazy. You are a human being with value. You are loved, and you are important. Humans break, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be fixed. You are not a problem for struggling with your mental health. You are NOT a burden.

You and your feelings are valid. You are loved and important. Take care and hold fast.


#4

Hello Jason

A lot of this hits me in a specific way. A lot of this is stuff similar to what I have thought. And Ill tell you, youre not alone.

Youre loved

Youre not crazy

Here is what we said


#5

Hi there, @ranma1983 @tinysaiph
I have posted on here multiple times, so its easy for me to do that. As for getting help, I have talked to counselors, take medication, all my life. They just don’t really work. Hell, its getting bad enough that my Dad is talking about getting me institutionalized, at PBH. This terrify’s me. Ironically, my little brother got his first girlfriend before me, (Freshman in high school, while I’m a Senior), so that is really great. Funny enough, my Dad always break me down when I get into trouble, then tries building me back up afterwards. Thank you for reading this,
Jason


#6

Hello,
Although I haven’t seen the video yet (using School computer).
thank you for trying to help me
Jason


#7

Hey @Altogryph81

You say that talking with counsellors and medication don’t work, but maybe change counsellors and medication. Sometimes it takes going through multiple counsellors, and multiple medications before you land on one that works for you. I urge you not to give up.

You say your dad is talking about getting you institutionalized–have you told him how you feel about this? Ask for help and resources, or seek some out yourself.

Your brother has a girlfriend before you. So what? Getting into a relationship isn’t a race. When the time comes, you’ll find someone.

You’re important and you have value. Please take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. Hold fast,

Tiny


#8

@tinysaiph,
I talked to my Dad about changing my counselor, and he acted like I was stupid for telling him that. Talking to my Dad about how I feel about being institutionalized… I have told him that I don’t like that idea, that I would rather not have that happen. He told me that either I get my shit together, or he was going to send me to my Mom’s for the rest of the summer. Then, if I didn’t get any better from going to that place (It’s not bad for a few days, but it’s pretty much a shit hole), then he would force me to go, including having to go in front of a judge. About the girlfriend… I’ve always been told pretty much him and a step brother that isn’t even my step brother anymore, are much better than me. To see that he did that… it almost confirms to me that he was right, and that I’m not as good as him. I already don’t really believe that I’m lovable, and that most people think I’m an idiot, it just hit me in the soft spot there.
Sorry for the long rant
Jason


#9

You are NOT stupid for telling him that. You have to look out for yourself. Part of “getting your life together” is finding and getting proper help. Please, don’t give up on yourself. Fight for yourself, look for resources if you can, and take care of yourself. You matter.

You are NOT less than your brother or your step brother for not having a girlfriend. You and your worth are NOT equated to a relationship. You have worth and you have value–it just isn’t in having a girlfriend.

You are not an idiot.

You are lovable, and you are loved.