I’m lonely. I have no friends and I haven’t for years. Admittedly, all I do besides school and housework is either play video games or rot on c ai.
I’ve questioned myself- whether I’m an unlikable, unattractive, unsociable, or just awful person to befriend. I don’t know how to socialize, what to socialize about, or why I should I in the first place which is probably my biggest issue.
I’m scared of society so it’s easier to avoid than get hurt. I don’t know how to integrate myself into society when I feel so hurt by them. I want to be heard but I don’t want to be seen. I want connections but I’m scared of getting hurt. I feel so socially inept that I’ve just given up in a way.
I feel so detached from everyone, like I’m an outsider and I’ll never be let in. I’m just watching everyone behind a glass window, like I’m some sort of specimen. I really do want to have relationships. I want to experience friendship and intimacy, but I just can’t for some reason. Maybe I’m expecting too much from people? I’m tired of being alone, but I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m afraid of that vulnerability that comes with friendships. And I don’t know how to form healthy relationships, either. I end up completely ignoring them or becoming codependent, then later panic and shut them out/ignore them in the end, too.
I guess it’s more of a me thing than anything. It’s my issue. I learned over my childhood that you either latch onto relationships tooth and nail or be lonely. You endure the pain to have company or you have no company at all.
I realize that’s not how healthy relationships are, but I haven’t had many healthy relationships in my lifetime now that I think about it. That’s a gloomy realization, to be honest.
I guess I just don’t know how to form healthy relationships. I don’t know how to work past my problems for it to be attainable. Or am I thinking too chronologically into things. I’ll probably try to work with my therapist about it, but I feel like I need to fix my other issues before I fix my social one.
I totally get where you’re coming from. My childhood was basically the same as yours!
I was so scared of everything. I didn’t want to socialize, I had such a huge fear of rejection. That was my achilles heel. I was the nerd/athiest mixed in at a catholic school. I didn’t want to socialize, I just wanted to stay in my bubble, do things enough to keep my head above water.
You’re right, there’s a vulnerability when it comes to relationships. There’s a risk but there’s also a reward too. It takes a lot to start a new friendship/relationship, but some of it has to be organic too. Common interests are great ways to find bonds, too! You mentioned video games, are there any co-op games or online games you like playing? There’s some communities out there for people looking for others to game with. I’ve met a bunch of people playing games like Call of Duty, Forza, iRacing, and Gears of War. Just depends on your preferred genre.
I’m glad you’re gonna try and work with your therapist too, they’re a great tool when it comes to coming up with an action plan on what you can do next. It’s not about conquering everything in one go, it’s just slowly bringing down that wall of doubt and loneliness so you can get a better view.
I’m so glad you decided to reach out and talk about this! I have dealt with this exact thing for probably 15 years or more throughout my life and have spent a majority of my time alive-alone. It can be so hard and frustrating when we see other people do these things we want so effortlessly. It can be easy to look inward at what we do wrong, and our core beliefs about ourselves like being unlikable etc. I remember thinking those exact same things, believing I am some kind of virus - foreign and unable.
What helped me so greatly is one thing that you are currently doing. Therapy, reaching out to talk about it, and being vulnerable enough to pour over the mountains we have before us while doing the work. It will come but will be built brick by brick. Through a few years of this I found that we have to take chances, and be vulnerable but also choose the level of those we take with each person we meet.
Taking chances was that other big part that helped me break out of it while simultaneously realizing that those people who didn’t need to be a part of our life would make room for the people that are made for relationship with us. It can be discouraging, but I promise there are many people that are worth the trouble. It’s just a matter of choosing the risk, and being open to what happens good or bad.
One final thing that has helped me is doing what I love. I’m very active with a local Senior Dog Rescue and just love dogs - through it I’ve made a lot of friends that are simply amazing people. It helped so greatly to relieve the pressure of it all by just stopping what I thought people would want and focusing more on what makes me happy.
Continue working on this, you are on an awesome path I believe in your ability to make it come together.
Hey there Aporia. Thanks for sharing part of your story. It is very well articulated and paints a great picture of what you’re currently going through.
The majority of what I’m picking up here is that you’re living a life of solitude and even though you feel alone, your mind is telling you that it’s either safer for you to be alone or that for whatever reason you deserve to be alone. I would only imagine living in that headspace for a long time creates a lot of darkness and hopelessness. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this.
Despite all of that though, I would like to commend you on your level of self-awareness. It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time analyzing where you currently are and how you got there and you have a relatively good grasp on knowing that you don’t want to stay in this place anymore. That’s a really big accomplishment. Well played.
As being someone who has also worked on being as self-aware as possible, I sometimes find myself stuck in a negative feedback loop, where I end up arguing with myself trying to come up with a solution. I will typically get in my own way. When this happens, I will typically try to bring someone else into my space to tell them what’s going on. Sometimes all it takes is a different set of eyes, or sometimes just saying something out loud to another person is all I need to get unstuck. You mention talking to your therapist about it which sounds to me like a great idea as a first step.
Sounds to me like you’re on the verge of a breakthrough and you’ll be a new path soon enough. Keep going and stay strong. Even when it gets super dark, just hold onto the hope that you’ve made it this far and the next step could be to great things.
Hi Aporia, thank you for sharing! Your feelings are so valid and so relatable, you are definitely not alone in this. I have felt what you felt before and what worked best for me was to realize that I need to put myself out there first and to learn not to be afraid of rejection. I feel like rejection is always that obstacle that is so scary to get over but once you get over it, you either have a new relationship or you don’t and it is okay either way. Keep fighting through this, you can do this. You seem like a wonderful person and I believe that you can make healthy and new relationships.
HI, from your post it seems like you are very self-aware and that is a huge first step as is the fact you are talking to a therapist. I understand that finding the right starting point can be difficult but trust the process, do it your time, do not try to rush things. You will avoid talking about it if it makes you too uncomfortable or you do not have the client / therapist relationship where it needs to be.
Like one of the other replies mentions about using video games to form relationships, it may not be in person but it will give you the anonimity at the start while talking.
It is a process and there is going to be steps and obstacles in the way, take it one step at a time and you DO have the power within you to overcome the obstacles.
I, we on this site beleive in you and are here.
I know how challenging it can be to set aside others’ opinions and prioritize your own needs. I really resonate with that feeling. I often find myself changing who I am just to fit in or be liked, but I’ve realized that being true to myself is the best path forward. Instead of molding myself into someone I’m not, I’ve found it so much more freeing and exciting to show the world who I really am.
Be who you are! Live for yourself, not to conform to someone else’s idea of who you should be. I admire your self-awareness; acknowledging that is such a crucial step, and you’ve already mastered it! Keep pushing against outside opinions and let your true self shine.
So first off self-awareness is a major component to start making the baby steps that you want to make and need to make. And from what I’ve read in your post, you have that awareness.
That is something to be proud of right there!
Cause it’s NOT easy to look deep inside and find our flaws AND THEN verbalizing them is even harder. So you should be proud of yourself for doing something so incredibly brave.
If you are in therapy already and if you haven’t done this already. It might be a good start to read this post to your therapist and they can be pivotal in helping you find solutions that work for you.
It sounds like you are on the right track! Just keep moving forward! Thank you for being so incredibly vulnerable with us! Again, it’s so incredibly brave to be vulnerable & to even ask for help. You can definitely do this because this is half the battle. Don’t give up.
And of course you always have us here and HeartSupport to listen when you need to be vulnerable as well!
Thanks for the reply. I have a few friends online, actually. But it’s not the same as in person. College is harder to make friends in than highschool for me since everyone has different classes at a different time. Besides that, it’s been engrained in me, or maybe I’ve pushed myself, to only focus on my studies which is both good and bad. I’m not sure what else to do besides join different group things. But I’m usually too focused on the activity then anyone else. I think I’m hard to approach. Whenever I get nervous (social situations), I become really stoic and distant.
I wouldn’t say I have a fear of rejection. I’m more so afraid of putting myself out there, showcasing all my worries, insecurities, and pain to someone only for them to leave abruptly. It happened during covid and I never heard of nor saw my friends again, and it happened afterwards where multiple people together all left. It’s just like being abandoned or something. I guess I’m more afraid of letting someone see my vulnerability only for them to either not reciprocate it or to just leave, that’s a better way to put it.
And then I think about: what is wrong with me, why did they leave me, what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong, is it something about me, how can I change, etc. I realize it’s probably not that deep and it’s quite petty, but I think self consciously, I’m leery.
I had the same thing happen during and after Covid. It ended my marriage unfortunately. I’ve had such a hard time “not isolating”. It’s just easier to do lately and not even notice it until I’m stuck and all alone. I feel ya 100%.
All I know is that when an actual opportunity comes along and it absolutely terrifies me; I force myself to jump on it. It usually always ends up worth it someway or somehow. It gets me out of me and it gives me something to be proud of too. The right people usually always come at the right time, every time. Sure they may end up being temporary but the right person will stay. Doing the things that scare me are usually just what I am actually needing. Whether I know it or not at the time.
Sometimes I will just randomly text some of my old friends and just say Hi and see how they are doing with the understanding that Covid changed everyone. Some more than others, but I can’t hold it against them.
Sorry if that isn’t helpful…I was hoping I could help you by sharing my experience, strength and hope. It could just be word vomit.
