I'm losing it

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1

Hey folks

My mental state has, unfortunately, been on a downward decline. I am taking a vacation this week, so hopefully that will lighten my spirits and help be gather my mind.

Recently I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, I’ve been not feeling like myself, I feel like I’m putting on a persona. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I’m watching somebody else live my life.

None of my successes feel like anything. My strongest emotion is fear or sadness. Things work as distractions, but as soon as they go away I’m left in a dark pit of thoughts.

This is a crummy poem, but it helps explain my struggles in a unique way

"The glow of the sun raises across my face.

My unmade bed and clouded mind keep me stuck in place

Time moves forward, yet I feel stationary and still

As I turn the key into my truck, my mind wanders as I do across the hill.

“What if I fell into that hole” my mind speaks for me.

“You have a family that loves you, you are young” argues the side of logic who begs to disagree

Yet I know I have the power to end everything right then and there

My palms grow sweaty and white with despair

But I continue on. I do not know why, but I continue on

As I interact with fellow peers, I feel more awake and alive, though I watch through pupils that are not mine, and in the end it all feels wrong

When I return to my home, messy and cluttered, I throw in junk food to my oven

I ask myself why I do such hurtful things to myself, for my self image I share no loving

I mindlessly scroll through seas of information, temporary happiness flows through my brain.

But I know as soon as I go to attempt to sleep, the clouds will surround me, my thoughts will choke me, and I will drown in my own rain.

I take sleeping medicine to overcome my anxieties so that I can sleep

Yet the thoughts never go away, and tomorrow will be the same, as the daylight begins to creep."

-HMM

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Hi HalloweenMaskMaker
thank you for sharing your thoughts and your beautiful poem. I must say that I can really relate to your poem. I am no longer as suicidal as I was but the part about the unmade bed, the temporal happiness… Yeah that hits home pretty hard. I hope you will be able to rest and recover during your vacation. Do the things you like and dont push yourself too hard. Dont force things either. Dont force yourself to be happy, or calm, or grateful or anything else. We are not our emotions we feel our emotions. If one is supposed to come in terms with them, they must feel them. Let them come through you. Let them happen. You dont have to act upon them or listen to them but just let them happen. I hope this has helped you at least a little :wink:

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Hey @HalloweenMaskMaker

I really appreciate you sharing your poem here with us and opening up about what you’ve been facing. Intrusive thoughts can be so hard to fight because its easy to think “I’m thinking these things so they must have some weight to them, right?”. When in reality, thoughts are just that; thoughts. We do not have to act on those thoughts or even let those thoughts take up any of our time or energy, nor do they define who we are. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with mindfulness exercises, but I’ve found them to be very helpful when facing intrusive thoughts. As you sit in a place and in a way that is calming and comfortable to you, focus on your breathing. I find box breathing to be helpful for mindfulness exercises as you inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and then exhale for 4 seconds. Should thoughts come up while you are focusing on your breathing, rather than judging whatever thought it is you have, acknowledge that you had that thought and move forward. Not analyzing it or ascribing anything to it, just noticing it but then letting it pass by. The more you do this the easier it will be to recognize intrusive thoughts and let them pass by. Maybe this could be something worth trying and could be helpful to you!

I hope you are able to find some peace and rest on your vacation and that you get to do things that you enjoy for yourself.

You’re worth it to keep fighting and we are here to walk alongside you while you do :black_heart:

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

A very nice poem. I would like to encourage you to continue writing these. They can be a great way to give your emotions voice and an outlet. I hope your emotions will not be so gloomy all the time as they are now and there will be more happier verses in your poems soon😉

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, HMM! That’s a lovely short story/poem you shared with us. You are a very talented writer and I hope you keep writing. It can be so helpful to get your thoughts and feelings out and putting it into a poem can help you think about what you are feeling it a deeper way as you come up with various ways to say what you want to say to achieve the rhyming style you wrote this in. I hope you keep writing some poems and sharing them with us if you wish to do so.

And I hope you feel more yourself soon. Did your vacation help you feel better? How was it? Hope to hear from you again soon :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for that poem, you seem to have a good handle on your feelings which is a very good thing, I do find it sad however that you appear to have such a low opinion of yourself, of course that has come over in other posts in the past too and I found it sad that you go into all this great detail then to end with to do it all again tomorrow so I would love to challenge you, I think you have a talent and I would love to see you write something that told us what you would like to do to change these days for so they are more pleasurable to you, something realistic, reachable and something you really want. I would love to know what these things are and how you would put that in writing. I hope you take up that challenge and I hope you keep writing and all of your other talents. Keep shining. Lisa x

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From: SuchBlue

Hi HalloweenMaskMaker,

I really like how you found poetry and used it as a way to describe how you’re feeling, I’d say it works really well, it was a very nice poem. I think a lot of us have these types of days, but that’s life, full of ups and downs. There are lots of people who feel the same way as you, and you are not the only one who is feeling like this. We all need breaks, vacations, time to wind down and just be happy and have a good time. Feel free to update us on how your vacation went and how you’re feeling now :hrtlegolove:

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