I’m not sure how to begin this or really how to write this in a concise manner, but I’ll do my best. I apologize in advance for its length and if it doesn’t seem to make sense. Often with my issues, it’s one thing compounding another. Anyway, here goes:
I broke down tonight. I self-mutilated through cutting, and when I felt that wasn’t working like I wanted, I heated the blade and pressed it against my skin. I have bloody and still burning wounds. I feel suicidal and I haven’t stopped crying even as I type this.
I’m in my 20s, and I feel like even after graduating college, I have accomplished nothing. I work a job that barely pays above minimum wage, and I often work 12+ hours, some of these hours off the clock because if i accumulate too much overtime, they’ll cut my hours. I can barely afford to live as it is. I’ve lived in poverty growing up, and money naturally stresses me out. I calculate my monthly expenses to a T, and I have little in terms of recreational money. It’s a constant stressor. My car broke down today, and now I’m looking at a $300+ repair ahead of my rent and my most expensive bills. I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m anxious. I feel like I always have some sort of money emergency. Somehow I’m able to manage. This time, I don’t think I will
I tried to relax and think things through. I decided to study for my GRE to keep my mind off my car trouble. I’m trying to go into a graduate program and it’s hard when it’s been almost a year and a half since I had to study for something. I feel like I missed the timing to do this while initially in college, and now I’m struggling to get back in the headspace, I don’t think I’m good enough and I’m too easily discouraged. This happens too often when I try to study and i haven’t been able ti fix this issue. I need to do well on this test, otherwise it’s money and a future wasted. I graduated college with honors and a 3.7 GPA, i almost went to vet school. I had the means to find a better career forward. However, I lacked experience though, and all the knowledge I studied endlessly for means nothing. I want a Master’s degree because i like to learn, and I feel like it will open new doors for me, and help me achieve the dreams that i abandoned.
I upset my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for 3 years. He is a musician, he played a show tonight, I went along to distract myself. Things were enjoyable until I couldn’t help feeling alone. He went to talk to friends, sing alone to the songs that played, and even surrounded by our gleeful companions, i felt so alone. My mind couldn’t help but replay my failures, remind me of my current ones. Anxiety grew and my depression was flourishing as all my issues seem to crumble on top of my already pitiful level of self-loathing. I walked out onto the side of the street without a word. My boyfriend came looking for me, and after realizing the state I was in drove me home. He seemed agitated, driving fast, and giving me short word responses. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. I made the mistake of asking him if he at least had fun, which he responded with “yes, until we left”. He left because of me, I ruined another night for him. It’s our thing that even if we fight, we kiss each other goodbye, because the world is scary and maybe you won’t get that chance again. I didn’t give him the kiss, i simply apologized for my behavior and asked him to get home safely, and walked inside. I noticed he waited a few minutes before leaving. He wanted the kiss. The assurance. And now i’m filled with even more guilt because I made no attempt to reconcile the night i ruined. He texts me when he gets home telling me he hopes I feel better and that I need to stop letting little things get to me, and how money shouldn’t stress me out like it does. I can’t understand that mentality. All i know is do-or-die and everything involves money.
My day wasn’t horrible in retrospect to other days I’ve had, but it is a reminder of how unhappy and tired I am with my predicament with life. I’m not happy with where or who I am. I feel like I wasted all my opportunities and I’m ruining my relationships. Everything seems so fragile, and i’m scared that I will lose everything in a moment’s notice as I have times before. I’m tired of these constant cycles that have more ups than downs. I feel like I will never get out of this rut, and i’m starting to wonder why i’m still trying. My cat is probably the only reason I didn’t just slice my wrist open because when I pressed the blade against skin, she swiped at my hand. something about the action enticed her enough to do so. I’m running out of reasons to continue this struggle. Everyday is a challenge to get up, and the weight is only growing. If i sleep tonight, the issues are there tomorrow. If they are not, other big (bigger?) problems, and i don’t know what to do. How do you keep going when everything feels futile in the end? When no matter what you do, you will feel worthless, ugly, guilty, and paranoid. When you wasted all your potential? I once thought I was gifted and motivated, all that light has disappeared. I use to have better self control, now i’m tearing at my body at the most minor inconvenience or embarrassment. This is not a way to live a life, so what’s the point of living it at all?