Hi, it’s been awhile since I’ve been around here. For that I do apologize. The last few months have been a rough transition on me though change has been something I’ve always struggled with. The one thing I’m becoming increasingly more aware of is that I’m growing more and more apathetic and distant by the day and it scares me. Even my father has taken said “All you tell me anymore is either you don’t care or leave me alone”. I do the bare minimum to take care of myself because I don’t even care about myself right now. I don’t find joy out of anything I used to enjoy. Living life is less about living anymore but instead it’s just killing time. I feel like at this point my habits could be classified as addiction as literally all I do anymore is sleep, play video games, and listen to music for the entirety of my days off (up to 16 hours) and even still I’m not getting any joy out of any of it. Every little thing either makes me angry or makes me anxious. It’s to the point where I just isolate because I just can’t deal with being alive. I know that me isolating is I don’t know a safety mechanism of sorts? I mean it’s kept me alive and somewhat sane up until now. But I also know that it’s destructive. I know so many people care and love me. But nonetheless I just feel so distant from everyone including myself. That positivity that people enjoyed and welcomed seems like a shadow compared to who I am currently. Instead of helping people and uplifting the lives of others I’ve just shut off and I don’t know if I can get back. I feel like I failed everyone including myself. I feel like I gave up with trying. But typing this some part of me doesn’t want to stay like this. It just feels like a cycle that I repeatedly get thrown right back into. Anyway, thank you for allowing me to vent. I’m sorry if it hurt any of you through my absence as it wasn’t my intention. Have a good day. -Chanse
It’s okay to fall down sometimes. You feel like you failed, but I think you do have hope somewhere. You’re writing this and letting it out after all. And yes, I think isolating is the thing we do when we can’t handle any more. You’re lost right now, but that doesn’t mean forever. You might feel like you have nothing left to lose, so take a chance and do something youve never done before. Maybe try out a new hobby. Of course you don’t absolutely have to, but remember that it’s you you are fighting for. And I think you are worth it, even if you’ve fallen down into this hole for now.
Hold fast and never give in <3
Broken Pieces - Andy Black (a song about the idea of saying goodbye to the negative parts of your life and trying to live in the positive)
this resonates ALOT with me. I struggle to do even basic things that humans need to survive. I don’t eat, my sleep is messed up, I struggle to take my medication and my room is a mess because I know it’ll take me days to clean it and honestly, I don’t have the energy to get out of bed, let alone clean it. I’m so exhausted constantly at the moment, to the point I struggle to even move around the house - the only joy in my life are the HeartSupport streams and certain others.
It’s horrible to be in that position. If I haven’t phoned in sick to work, I’ll work, sleep and watch HS/Steph streams. If I’m not doing any of those 3 things then I’m probably crying over using or cutting with suicidal thoughts. However - even if you believe you are addicted to certain things, it’s not the end of the world, I’m 5 months clean from pills which proves that it’s possible to overcome these things. It takes work, but it’s possible. We don’t love you any less because you’ve had to take a break. We don’t love you any less because you aren’t as positive and lively as you want us to see. We love you for YOU.
We are always here when you’re ready to come back and we want to help you in any way we can. Please consider looking into Dwarf Planet (if you haven’t already) or, if you have, do it again - I know you know about the resources from HeartSupport https://heartsupport-merch.myshopify.com/products/send-me-a-dwarfplanet-book you are worth being able to live a good life - we love you. We are here for you.
hey chansey, sorry things are difficult for you right now