Recently, I had a meeting with my boss, which was shocking to me. She said that my colleagues complain about me not going with them anywhere, like after work or for a lunch. Also, that I sound too strict, by answering too short - without explaining why I do not go. And that I am very emotional, that when I am in a bad mood everyone see. Then my boss mentioned that I am living like in my own little bubble and I just started crying. I felt so embarrassed and I couldn’t stop, all those thoughts what horrible person I am and how much I hurt others. It happened so suddenly, week before this meeting I got promotion and I started thinking maybe I am doing good job. I started to believe in myself, that I can do something in my life and change things I am not happy about. I don’t remember what she was saying after mentioning bubble. At some point she left (it was already after work hours) I sit there for an hour trying to block all those thoughts and not to cry and somehow go home unnoticed by colleagues. It was few weeks ago and when I do not think about this, it is easier, but those thoughts keep attacking me.
First day after the meeting I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. Every time I remember this I start crying and I just want to leave my job, but I also feel like in that way I would run from my problems by choosing the easiest way. I do not know how to deal with this.
In this last half-year I forced myself to go to one event. I thought that it would be enough to keep everyone happy. And sometimes I really want to go to one of those events, but it is just so hard. I’m afraid of people. I can’t stop thinking of million reasons what would someone say or what I should say and if I say something wrong or what others will think or what will happen and I just don’t go. Then they start asking why and I don’t have any answers. It is so terrifying and there are so many people and I can not say. I feel lost and I I do not know what to do. How do I fix me?