I'm more a ghost than a person

Just a vent, I’m angry and alone.
You both failed me. You both hurt me in ways that can’t be fixed. One of you is a liar and a thief. One of you is a hypocrite and a drone. I have so much resentment and rage towards you and you have no idea about any of it. Because I don’t think I’ll ever tell you. I’ll never get the closure I need from you, because I’ll never tell you. Why should I? You’re the least understanding person I’ve ever known. You ever wonder why I acted out as a kid? Why I lied? Why I was so angry? Why I did “dumb shit” all the time? Your answer was always that I was just a bad kid. That I was just immature. That I just didn’t want to grow up and act my age. And you’d be wrong. You and mom both were fucking wrong. It started with mom and her abuse. And it continued to be only her for a long time. And then one day you just decided you’d follow suit. I moved to Oklahoma with you and had you sign for full custody because I thought she was the only true villain in my life. But the longer I think about it, the more I realize you were both hurting me. You both always wondered why I never came to you about anything. Because I didn’t feel safe coming to you. But when I tried to deal with my shit alone and give myself my own outlets, such as writing and drawing on my knuckles, self harming, y’know figuring it the fuck out BY MYSELF, you called me stupid. You talked down to me. You made fun of me. Neither of you ever protected me. Neither of you were ever there for me. I was just a fucking problem to you both. I ran away (at like 2 am I might add) in 7th grade because I was that fucking desperate for attention and shelter from EITHER of you. I wanted you to see how badly I was hurting. How alone I felt. And you both just got mad. Neither of you ever wondered if something was wrong. If I was okay. You just teamed up on me and yelled at me. I’ve relies on nothing but myself and my friends (who are now all fucking gone by the way) my entire life. Neither of you fucking helped me. Neither of you kept me safe. I had to keep myself safe. And now I’m stuck in the same fucking cycle doing the same shit to my kid, only he’s got it worse because I’m acting like BOTH of you at once. I think at this point I’d be happier without either of you. I don’t want either of you in my life anymore. You both suck. Mom hurt you, I get that. But y’know what? You’re no fucking better. The only difference between the two of you that I see is that you’re actually honest with me. I’m honestly fine shutting you out now. Because you do nothing to better my life at all. I’ve spent my entire life dancing around YOUR expectations doing what YOU want the way YOU want it. I’ve wasted so much of my life ripping myself apart trying to make sure that the house stays spotless like YOU want it. Making sure everything is how YOU want it. Living with you, I have no life. I have a wife and a son and that’s it. We live YOUR life. I hate that it took me this long to finally see the truth. You’ve both damaged me, A LOT. I’ve tried confronting mom about it dozens of times and she isn’t ever gonna change, I’ve realized. And I’m not even gonna bother with you, because you don’t ever make the effort to understand where I’m coming from. Your excuse is always “that’s just the way I am” well y’know what? Fuck you. Your both garbage fucking parents and I can’t wait to be free of you.


I know you’re not asking for a reply, but I read you, and I think it’s important for you to know: you are not alone, we’re here, and a lot of us have gone through some shit parent-wise. Thank you for letting it out in this safe space. You’re welcome to, anytime. :white_heart:


thank you for sharing this powerful post.

You are more than the trauma your parents caused, and by identifying their patterns in your own behaviour? That’s a powerful first step to beginning to choose to parent your own kid differently, and more kindly.

We’re here for you , however we can support you, friend.
You matter.
I’m sorry itwas so hard and so unfair growing up, hope that life brings you much happiness with your new family.


You recognise the horror of what your parents did. You see that in yourself, now. It’s not too late. You can be different. Try, try, try, never give up, on being someone else. On giving your family the life you deserved. On being an understanding parent, because you do understand! You see history repeating itself and you undertsand that its wrong, you know what it feels like to be that child!

You are worth it. You do matter. You are not a ghost. Youa re not a bag of sh*t. You are a soul.

Keep Holding On :yellow_heart: - Pengyou



Hello Friend, Thank you for posting, I can relate to some of what you’ve written. I didn’t get what I needed emotionally when I was growing up either. My father was very emotionally abusive and my mother did nothing to stop it. I’ve written countless letters to my father but I’ve never sent them. When I was married and had my son, I decided I was not going to treat my son the same way I was treated. I broke the cycle and treated my son with love and was there for him always. I hope that you can break the cycle too. Go to therapy and work stuff out so you can be who you want to be for your son. I hope in writing this letter, it has helped you cope a little bit. You matter! ~Mystrose


From: ManekiNeko

thank you for sharing this. It’s so raw and so real. I hope it’s been a release for you to be able to say those things. As a child it’s hard to comprehend the way people treat us, there’s no answers and nothing tends to make sense. It’s hard when we see that start to play out in the relationships around us. Has your wife been supportive with your struggles?
I know I could say the things that you probably know about therapy ect, and I hope you do consider it when you are ready. Have you ever been able to tell your parents the things that have been weighing on you?
I have to commend you for seeing that there has been a cycle, but that it doesn’t have to stay that way and it’s not something you want for yourself. I truely believe we are so capable of changing those behaviours that our parents force on us. They don’t define you.


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post, I would like to start by saying what an amazing post I thought this was and I am really proud of you for writing it. I am so sorry you were treated so poorly by your parents, they had no right to be so mean to you, you were the innocent in that home and you did not deserve it. I can hear the emotions that you have held on to for so long, its beyond powerful and touches my heart as I can relate to some of it myself. I hope that getting that out and onto the wall has helped a little with how you are feeling. I would love for you to really seek some therapy so that you can move forward and make sure that you do not continue the same situations with your own child. You are aware of what happened and how wrong it was, now you have to learn how to break the chain that keeps it going. I have faith in you that you can do that. we are hear for you always. Much love Lisalovesfeathers. x


Hello there,

Oh wow! This is a lot & I am so sorry for how you were treated. I want to commend you on how you are acknowledging your current actions toward your son. That is a huge win & the first step to improving yourself as a person, father & husband. Would it help to talk to a professional about everything in your past? How supportive is your wife with everything going on?

I am so proud of you for realizing it & not accepting it like you mentioned your dad has. That’s also a huge win. Take some time to heal. BetterHelp offers a seven-day free trial & it might be helpful for you to process things & find that healing. Keep on, keeping on!

You are strong. You are amazing. You are enough. You are valid. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:


From: Mamadien

I’m glad that you felt safe here and could “vent” about all of the pain that is inside of you. I hope that you feel as if some of the pressure has come off, even if for a little while. And while it must have been hard to talk about what has happened and how you are now seeing the same thing in yourself, it’s a huge thing to see it. Recognizing behaviors in ourselves that we don’t like is the first step to changing that behavior. Good for you for being real with yourself on that. But now that you see this in you, how to change it? And that is where the work begins. Do you have a counselor or therapist you work with? If not, are you willing to work with someone who can help you work through your pain, and help you develop the tools you need to break the cycle in your life and your son’s life? You have the ability to change this and I would love to hear back about how you are doing.


From: Dr Hogarth :rainbow:

Hi yallmindifiuwu,

I can feel the viceral anger from your post and I hope that writing here helps you in some way to process what has happened to you.

I know that you are not asking for support, but I wanted to add that I think your ability to recognise your parents’ behaviour in yourself is a remarkable achievement. Many would just relinquish all agency over the situation and see their behaviour as unchangeable because of what happened to them. I think this also sets you apart from your parents, because you have the courage to accept and face the reality of your situation. That’s pretty incredbile in my opinion. I hope that now you see what is happening, that you can use that bravery to change things.

Keep strong x


Thank you all so much for all this support and love. I’ve been using this site as a safe space for almost 10 years now and I can’t tell you all what it means to me that you all just casually offer me advice without even hesitating or judging. Thank you :heart:

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From: ManekiNeko

hey there just checking in to see how you’re going? I again commend you for such a deep and well written post. And I want to keep encouraging you that even though this feels like a repeat cycle, you’ve acknowledged it and now the cycle stops with you. I know days will be harder than others, but we the willing participants are what counts. Being present and willing to take the chance to change. Thinking of you!

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey friend. I’m sorry you had to deal with all the things you did… but I find this post incredible. The first thing to breaking “transgenerational trauma” is having the self awareness to understand that there’s habits and actions you have that your instilled in you from you past. The thing is, though, you can’t change the past…but can use it as the informtion you need to take the actions to change the present and future for yourself and your family. The fact that you realize this is the first, most powerful step to making sure it ends with you and that your family doesn’t have to suffer the way you did. Best of luck frine.d

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