This is something that makes me feel physically ill to admit. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the people I have in my life- I am very grateful- it’s just all my life I’ve never been anyone’s first choice, I guess you could call it priority but that just makes me feel even more sick admitting.
When I was little I never really had friends. It’s a long story, but I always struggled with being someone’s main go to friend, or I guess being someone’s best friend. I thought I was sometimes- but here I sit today with none of them here with me.
I have a lot of friends now that I am so very grateful for- I am so grateful for this community and all the friends I have made here. I just feel like I have a void in my heart that I’m never going to be able to fill. Even though I have friends there is always someone above me- if that makes sense. I hate saying that, but it’s just how I feel.
Sometimes I feel like I pour our a lot and receive little in return- and saying that makes me want to puke. If I could keep all these thoughts under control and bottled up I would but today has tipped me over the edge.
I don’t know if I’ve just spent my whole life being the last choice, and I have taken up a sense of jealousy from all of it, I don’t know. I can remember feeling this way since I was in middle school- like when another person became friends with my old best friend it was hard for me- because then that person took my friend away basically, or it was like trying to share a single piece of paper- and when you add another person to the group your piece of the paper gets smaller and smaller- meaning the attention you get from them gets lesser and lesser until you feel so unimportant you drift away from them and you just aren’t friends anymore.
Once again, I freaking hate admitting this. It makes me feel sick and I just want to puke right now because I feel so much guilt and disgust for myself for feeling this way. I feel it’s wrong of me and I am too needy or too clingy. I don’t know.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.