This is something that makes me feel physically ill to admit. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the people I have in my life- I am very grateful- it’s just all my life I’ve never been anyone’s first choice, I guess you could call it priority but that just makes me feel even more sick admitting.
When I was little I never really had friends. It’s a long story, but I always struggled with being someone’s main go to friend, or I guess being someone’s best friend. I thought I was sometimes- but here I sit today with none of them here with me.
I have a lot of friends now that I am so very grateful for- I am so grateful for this community and all the friends I have made here. I just feel like I have a void in my heart that I’m never going to be able to fill. Even though I have friends there is always someone above me- if that makes sense. I hate saying that, but it’s just how I feel.
Sometimes I feel like I pour our a lot and receive little in return- and saying that makes me want to puke. If I could keep all these thoughts under control and bottled up I would but today has tipped me over the edge.
I don’t know if I’ve just spent my whole life being the last choice, and I have taken up a sense of jealousy from all of it, I don’t know. I can remember feeling this way since I was in middle school- like when another person became friends with my old best friend it was hard for me- because then that person took my friend away basically, or it was like trying to share a single piece of paper- and when you add another person to the group your piece of the paper gets smaller and smaller- meaning the attention you get from them gets lesser and lesser until you feel so unimportant you drift away from them and you just aren’t friends anymore.
Once again, I freaking hate admitting this. It makes me feel sick and I just want to puke right now because I feel so much guilt and disgust for myself for feeling this way. I feel it’s wrong of me and I am too needy or too clingy. I don’t know.
First of all I want to say that there is no reason for you to feel guilty about feeling this way. There are plenty of people out there that feel the same way, myself included. I know just how lonely and hard it can be to feel like there’s always someone better than you. The fact of the matter is that whether you think you are someone’s number 1 pick or not you are loved and valued. I’m sure that those friends that you do have appreciate you more than you realize. I’m not sure how comfortable you would be with doing this but maybe you could reach out to a couple of your friends and just talk about how you’re feeling with them. I know that it may seem a little intimidating at first but I’m sure if you gave it a go it would probably help you out. Just know that you have a whole group of people here for you on HeartSupport that care for you and what you’re going through.
You’re not needy or sick or disgusting. I love you Lys and you were one of the very first people I trusted in this community - I hope telling you this means at least something. I’m proud of you for posting this.
What you are saying resonates a lot with how I felt my entire life about all the people around me and lately about my personal life and relationships.
What I have learned is that you do not have to beg for anyone to see the value that there is in you.For the right people, the people that are meant to stay in your life there will never be the need to prove anything in order for them to choose you. Please love yourself and see that there is value in you- this will always be your radar into seeing the people that are worth having around from those that you should let go. When you won’t even need to think about them choosing you, then you will know these are the right people for you. And one day you will have more of these in your life.
It surely does not, friend. Everything you say and put out there in the world matters and even if you make mistakes, for the people who truly love you, value you and are worth your time it is not going to matter- they will never scrutinize your actions because they will be there for you unconditionally.
If someone choses to leave, it’s their choice but don’t let that diminish your value. <3
I, unfortunately, can really relate to what you are saying. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so brave and vulnerable. It helps me too, to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. You don’t need to feel bad about talking about something like this.
You’re right in saying that you are not ungrateful for the people in your life and it is okay to want a really close relationship with someone that you can truly walk through life with together.
I have yet to figure out how to get past this or make those kinds of friends myself but one quote I often recite to myself is from a great book called “Uninvited: Living loved when you feel less than, lonely and left out” by Lysa Terkeurst.
“No person’s rejection can ever exempt me from God’s love for me”
It doesn’t necessarily solve my problem, but it does give me a sense of peace.
I just feel like I’m not enough sometimes- like there is always someone who can help better, give better advice, or I’m just simply not good enough for that person- another person may come in and say the same things that I did and it will make that person feel ok from that person but not from me.
It just diminishes my hope kind of. Like well I guess I’m not good enough for that person although they say they love me like I’m not good enough.
Hey @Lyss - Echo’ing what @Kayla said, you are not sick or disgusting. You’re valuable. Life might suck right now because you feel like you’re not anyone’s first choice, but when it doubt, look at the future - when you get married, you will be someone’s first choice. Sit tight; your time is coming.
I get you so much. I know we shouldn’t feel guilty for thinking of ourselves as valuable, but that’s what happens when your self worth deteriorates.
I’ve always been that girl to give so much to others, I would sacrifice so much for the people I love and I would give up time in my day if it could make someone else happier, even if I didn’t know them that well. But no one really does it back to you. No one seems grateful or they don’t care too much. And that’s when you get played. You become the vulnerable one because your weakness is being kind, even to those who have hurt you the most.
I hate feeling irrelevant, just wanting someone to need you or think about you seems so nice. I have friends but I know I’m not as much to them as everyone else in our group. And it starts with the minor small things like being unawaringly pushed behind the group when you walk so you’re at the back. When you walk in twos the person you walk with doesn’t really talk to you and then veers to a three person gaggle to talk to others. Not asking if you’re okay until it’s too late. Being left on read. It’s mindfucking when people tell you they support and care about you but fuck you over. I feel like I am here because they can’t be bothered to tell me to leave. A burden. Actions speak louder than words, they really do. But why do I love these people so much when they don’t want to understand who I am or what I like or how to make me happy.
It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I have opened up so much about myself just to get attention for the slightest second, so I can understand what that support feels like. But then it goes away. It is especially made aware that I am irrelevant when other people are drunk. I could walk off a cliff and no one would know. They look for each other. But not for me. And I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong, why me, I care about everyone else. I just want someone to have that same care for me. I want to see the effort, I want to feel the love. I want to feel someone’s embrace. I want someone to think about me. I want people to be comfortable opening up to me. I want to be someone’s number one.
I get you so so much and I wish other people like us could meet but we are always the ones alone searching for the same people who are no where to be found. I really hope this gets better for you. Just know I love you and I will be your number one because you sound fucking awesome. Take care and don’t let those assholes get you down. I will back you up. I’ll be there.
