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I'm never really happy

Hey I’m kinda new to this so forgive my run on sentences and such. I am writing here because none of my friends are really close enough for me to tell all this to. I am a 18 year old teenage boy I don’t really know where to start so I’ll start with my childhood. When I was 7 my grandfather passed, I should say that he was my mentor, rock, and best friend, I loved him unconditionally when he passed I cried for days, but when my father saw my crying he would tell me “real men don’t cry” and since then it’s been hard for me to show emotions, I only heard my father tell me once in my life he was proud of me and that was when I was 16 and got my first job I was working 7 days 8 hours a day and my dad finally said he was proud, and that was the last time I ever felt like I impressed him. When I was 16 I was really struggling with depression and at one point had a gun in my mouth but my best friend at the time talked me down, ever since I haven’t felt the same. I became bulimic at 17 and still am, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t look at myself without disgust so I thought losing weight would help (it hasn’t) my depression leaks out every once in a while, such as tonight. I went to a party the other day and got trashed, I confessed to my friends that I was depressed and spent the entire party crying, I can’t look at those people the same way and I don’t think they look at me the same way either, my dad told me crying in front of others is not many as I said before so I felt really bad when I did, at the party I wanted to hug someone but idk why,I haven’t been hugged since I was 7 so idk if that has something to do with it. Sorry for anyb spelling errors or grammatical errors, I’ll try to keep adding but I’m not sure what I expect to come from posting this, thanks for reading.

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Hey big hug from me. I like hugs too. Boys can and should have emotions, it is better than hurting a girl and making her cry. See real friends stay with you no matter wat, if tey dnt tey r not worth ur time . Be patient one day u wil help someone and tey may become ur real friend. I appreciate you, tis whole world appreciates you. Do you think god creates something that is not beautiful. My friend u know buliemia is not the way, eat healthy , focus ur energy on exercise, read books, become better. Try meditation . I am fend india and u can watch sadhguru- he is the best. If it still doesn’t help take therapy/medications
But believe in yourself. I am glad ur alive .
I am sure u wil help so many in the future. Make your own life

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Shit dude. This sucks, man.

To feel like you’re supposed to bottle it all up, need no one, say nothing about your feelings…almost like you’re supposed to become a machine: produce, don’t feel.

Gosh dude, it’s such bullshit, but how do you believe that when it’s your own dad who tells you that when you’re fucking 7? You were cut down as a boy, Doctorwho…

So today, you practice being a machine…working as much as possible, stuffing all of your feelings, trying desperately to not need anyone, but then you burst at the seems at this party and feel completely ashamed…because you’ve learned that letting those emotions out is BAD…so you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t…what fucking bullshit.

Let me be clear: YOUR HEART MATTERS. Your dad was wrong. Your heart matters. I’m so sorry that your grandfather died, man…I’m so sorry. I’m here in tears with you…I’m so sorry. To have lost the most important man in your life, there is no pain like that…there is no loneliness like that…and to be left with your dad who feels more like a taskmaster than a father, what a horrible consequence you were left in the wake of your grandfather’s death. I’m sorry you’ve been carrying the weight of so much on your shoulders by yourself…feeling like you have to be atlas, like you have to be some kind of emotionless robot. It’s wrong.

Your heart is the center of your being. It matters far more than anything you’ll ever do. Your feelings matter. Your pain matters, man. It fucking matters. What you did the other night was what friends are supposed to be there for…to be a shoulder for you to cry on. You did nothing wrong. If anything, you need more of that in your life…more honesty, more support, more venting, haha. For real though, get it off your chest. GOOD WORK putting it here. I’m proud of you. I know it takes so much courage to fight against the belief that you’re wrong or less of a man for feeling. But you actually had it right originally. You’re on the right track man. Return to your instinct. Share. Speak. Cry. Feel. Be loved, be supported, be hugged. It is good. Being in touch with your heart is the only way to actually become a man. This “emotionless” picture your dad painted for you is actually just a boy who is trapped in his own fear. Doesn’t matter how much money he makes or how many accomplishments he has or how many women he’s been with. Your heart must mature to become a man. When you trap your heart in a cage and starve it, how could it mature? It doesn’t. So underneath ever cold and calloused man is a starving, young heart. Don’t be that person. Pivot here. Care for your heart. You were right, and your dad was wrong. Don’t give up. You’re on the right track. I’m proud of you for fighting against that notion and pressing forward for the truth.

-Nate

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Get the poison out. You did a good thing venting to your friends, and you did a good thing posting here. We have no reason to judge you. We came here for support ourselves.

From early adolescence through most of my early adult life, I didn’t know how to access my anger, and it turned into depression and ate at me from the inside. In the last couple years, I still don’t express my anger really well, but I’ve learned to process it better by thinking about what upset me, why it upset me, and what about it was justified vs. fabricated in my head. Being able to talk through it with my wife has been really helpful. Don’t suffer through your emotions alone. I know you said your friends aren’t that close (neither were mine), but they saw you at a really vulnerable moment at a party. Test the waters by casually bringing it up and seeing whether they emotionally withdraw or come closer, and if they offer sympathy and support, lean into that. Remember to be concerned for their well-being too. Everybody is going through their own shit, and no one has the monopoly on having a bad time; but just like here on the wall, you and your friends can take turns supporting each other.

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i have hard the sentence so many time in my life from myfather and older brother so i feel your pain there. in truth every human male female doesn’t matter need to break down sometimes and cry. it out body way of letting pain out. it like a old saying my mental health couch once said. “if you bottle it up and put a lid on it at some point the pressure in the bottle is going be strong than the lid and the top will pop off and it will all come out and once”…i think i quoted that right. simple put trying to put all i emotion away will cause them to come back all at once it is better to have break downs. But i totally understand the want to hold them back. my dad nickname was Mr. spock. because of his lack of emotion and he try to raise me to be the same. Since i have started letting mine out to family and really close friends my happness has increase alittle or at least my break down aint as bad. i don’t know if this helps at all but its ok to cry and to break.

Oh and i am new here to so still tryling to learn what or how to say things myself .

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Hey, I just want to say I can’t thank you enough to the people who responded here, thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement, honestly the nights where I feel that bad are about once a week but I’m doing better now, I’m going to try to work myself off the bulimia, I honestly love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you have all said.

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Nate thank you for helping me, honestly I really needed to get this off my chest and I finally found somewhere I could put it, thank you so much for everything, I don’t know you but thank you so much honestly.

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