I'm never sure if I should post or not

HeartSupport Support
1

I want to apologize for being so absent the last week or so. There is so much going on in my life, sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it all. I’ve felt that it may be better for me personally not to share my difficulties on here the last week or so because I feel like sometimes what I am going through may be harder for people to relate to or understand. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. It’s all just so complicated. It’s also just drawn out and very boring and I don’t want people to feel like they have to come up with something to say where there isn’t much to be said other than “I hope it gets better”

I don’t know. I’m conflicted.

My main goal right now, is to remind myself that I am fucking trying. My boyfriend tells me that I need to appreciate myself and the things that I do. And recognize that those things are really good for me. Also for him. That I shouldn’t under credit what I do. It’s so hard. Because I feel like I do nothing. I can’t go out and work a regular job. Even in the home, I’m very limited to what I can do. So I feel really insignificant a lot of the time.

Aside from trying to allow myself to be proud and appreciative of myself, which is a CONSTANT battle, I am also trying to spend more and more time on my art.

I know some of you have seen the work I’ve done. And I appreciate all of the positive support. I hope that as I build up an inventory of work, that I’ll be able to sell some of it off. But I have a lot of doubts as far as my quality and skill as an artist.

Anyway. I don’t always know how to be present here. So I’ve fallen a little quiet to recollect myself. I try to always be present in the streams and I respond to posts here as I can and as are healthy for me. I have found that while I always want to pour my heart out to people on the wall, that I have to be very careful. Some of the posts shared are very triggering because I can relate to them so much. And as much as I want to help, sometimes it puts me in a really anxious, depressed or uncomfortable state. So I have to just respond to those that I can, safely. But I hope you all know that just because I may have a hard time reading something and unable to respond, that it doesn’t mean that what you share isn’t important and doesn’t matter. I wish I could share with everyone all of the love I have inside of me.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I know the longer this gets, the harder it becomes for everyone to read. I just love this community and Heart support. We all have our struggles, even if we do or don’t share on this wall and everyone is just full of love. Thank you for creating this place. So that all of us have somewhere to go when we need to share, or when we don’t know how to share and just need a safe place to be.

I’m here. I know I don’t always know how to be very loudly present, but I am here. I support you. I support this cause. I support everything Dan and Casey are doing. And all of the people behind Heart Support.

And thank @Kayla for checking in on me so much the last week as I was coming through my relapse. I am in a much better place now. I read what I feel I needed to do of Re-Write book and I feel like I got what I needed out of it. I appreciate you being a friend.

And I appreciate @Danjo for always checking in on me to see where I am with my art and asking me if I’m keeping up with it like I wanted to. Its nice to have friends who take the time to care about you.

Because right now, I don’t always feel very cared for. In my direct life. I feel like I’m heavily relying on the internet to make me feel loved, wanted and needed. And sometimes I wonder if that’s healthy. I really can’t tell.

Thanks for listening to this scattered ramble.

1 Like
2

Hey friend!

I first want to say I completely understand what you mean about sharing. Sometimes it seems better to keep things to yourself, sometimes to share, and sometimes you feel the same way regardless of the choice. Just know that if you WANT to open up on the wall, you are more than welcome to do so and you don’t need to feel anxious or ashamed about anything you post. We’re here to support you to the best of our abilites, not to judge you or question you.

Secondly, I want to say thank you. Give yourself a pat on the back for all the things you have been doing - or at least try to even if you feel like you can’t see it. The things you do deserve to be recognized. It always warms my heart when I log onto HS and see your name filling the first page with replies. You are so selfless and I admire that about you.

Take care of yourself. We’re here if you need anything.

Hold fast

love,
sophic

1 Like
3

Thank you for saying all of that. That really means a lot. :heart:️ You are always such a light.

1 Like
4

Just by being around. Lurking. Chatting. You ARE present. You don’t have to be helping someone through a rough time in order to be loved here… That doesn’t mean you’re not present. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to have a normal conversation, unrelated to the struggles in life to help someone feel better. Whether it be about your artwork, art in general, music, games… Anything.

Just by being here, and replying to even 1 support wall post, you are sharing that love and showing everyone it’s there.

I hope that the books are helping, you know my DMs are always open to you if you need a place. You’re loved, you’re cared for, that isn’t ever going to change.

In my physical life, I’m surrounded by abuse - I rely on the people I have online to support me, and that’s where my love comes from… So, ask yourself this… Would you say it’s healthy for ME not to allow myself to feel the love from the people I interact with ON A DAILY BASIS, online? When you answer that, remember, that right now, the people on the internet are the only people who talk to me and treat me in a loving way… Would it be healthy for me not to have that at all? < Answer those questions, and then apply them to yourself. I believe that it’s perfectly fine to need your friends online to help you feel that until you’re in a position you can find it for yourself…

Hold Fast
Kayla

1 Like
5

Wow. Thank you, Kayla. You are absolutely right.

As far as not always knowing how to be present. Sometimes it’s just me not knowing how to fit in. I struggle in my direct life to fit in a lot of the time due to my autism. So I never quite fit in with people my age. I usually work better with people older. And sometimes younger. As I play a very “motherly” or “nurturing” role to a lot of people younger than me. But other times I can’t fit in with younger folk either because I’m just too behind on what’s “cool” hahaha. I’m pretty lurky these days.

It’s always been in my heart to want to share and spread love. Not necessarily by posting on the wall. Just by being a friend. A friendly chatter. A supporter. A presence. I just don’t always know how.

But as far as friendships online. I definitely think it’s good that we have a healthy place for us to hang out and be around people. That there is an Internet for us to reach out to find people to connect to as well as places where we can relate. But for me personally, I require taking steps back from the internet often. Unplugging. And when I do it’s healthy but it always reminds me that off of the grid, I don’t have a lot of people to communicate with. But online I can’t always tell who are true friends. There are people I probably need to just recognize may not be someone I associate with.

But this has primarily been confusion because there was some drama that went down in another community so I left. I couldn’t handle the toxicity and negativity and since then I’ve had some people sending negative things about me around the communities I hang in. So I’m always feeling really uncomfortable. As these people hang out in mutual places I hang in. So I’m always on edge.

But as a whole yes. I’m grateful that we have tools that allow us to make friends and socialize in healthy places where we otherwise would not have.

I appreciate you Kayla. :heart:️