I feel like I’m constantly saying the same thing over and over whenever I post on here, but it’s something that is just a constant struggle for me, and on days like today it’s so much worse.
No matter how many people tell me that I’m good enough as I am, or that I am enough for them, I just can’t believe it. I just feel as though no matter what I do, I will never be good enough. Every day I see my friends and people I love spending time with other people and ignoring me, or just isolating me. Obviously, I’m not saying that people can’t have other friends, or spend time with other people… Of course they can. I’m saying that it’s at a point where I can no longer get a message to say hey from my best friend… After I was really sick with Covid, she didn’t even message me to check in on me. I can no longer play even 1 game with my gaming friends of about 12 years. I’m tired of putting my whole heart into relationships when the other person seems to not care enough to put even a half the amount of effort in.
I can’t help but feel everyone would just be better off without me, because at this point, I’m just noise in their lives. I’m not important to them. I’m not important to anyone.
My relationship with God has just crumbled into almost nothing at this point. I can’t bring myself to pray, read the Bible, or even listen to worship music which was something I loved to do… I started using weed to try and help my depression, but honestly, I don’t know how I feel about it. I went out and got drunk the other night… I’m an addict. I shouldn’t be touching alcohol… Yet here we are.
The mental health teams won’t help me, my doctors won’t help me, I can’t afford therapy and the free services are 8+ months waitlists… I’ve been pushing for support from all of these areas for years and just haven’t got anywhere.
I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of sitting here crying about the same shit every week. I just want to die. I need this pain to stop, but no matter what I try, it doesn’t go away. The only way out that I can see is going back to self-harming, or just ending my life for good. I doubt anyone would notice my absence. Like I said, I’m just an annoying noise in the background at this point.
Hi Kayla
Thank you for being here with us and opening up. We all repeat ourselves sometimes and that is ok. It brings the importance of our issues to the spotlight. However I dont think you have been repeating yourself that much. You have pinpointed another sources of your unhappiness. The lack of attention you get from those that are close to you, namely your best friend and your gaming friends. You also dont feel like they care about you and your efforts dont get recognised. All of these issues are valid and important.
I am going to start with this. There might be many reasons why your best friend is no longer there for you as often. Maybe they feel like you dont want them in your life. That may be the impression some people get because when we are depressed we dont want to hang out so much and do activities with them. They can missunderstand this as signals that you dont want to be friends with them. They migh also be struggling with their own problems right now and they feel too overwhelmed to supprt others right now. The best think you can do is communicate with them. Ask them if everything is ok between you and them. Tell them you feel like they dont want to spent time with you and if there is something you can do to change that. Also tell them that your are their friend and you care about them and wish them well.
When it comes to your gaming friends… They might just be busy right now. Try to initiate a game night or something else. Be active about it. Be the one that creates the opportunity for something fun to happen. Also it might be the case that they simply play a different game right now. You wont know until you ask them. You were also saying that people have been telling that you are enough even tho you dont feel like it. Those people that have been telling you that are your friends and family or the people here. I am asking because I want to know if maybe you have been supported here but not IRL. That might be a big problem because when we dont feel loved and supported by the ones we care about the most it can be devastating.
Please Kayla you are great. You are in pain and depressed yes but that does ot make you a bad person. When we suffer we seek ways to end the suffering. Dont blame youself fot those things in the past. You cant fix them but you can try to fix the future instead. I wish you all the best friends you can have. You deserve them. Hold tight and take care. Bye for now.
what metric are you using for this? What are the markers you’re using to indicate “good enough”?
Also, whenever we say bad things about ourselves, we should force ourselves to think of two or three good things about ourselves. It’s so easy to inflate the bad about ourselves and to minimize the positive traits/habits/skills/abilities we have.
Are they turning down your invitations to spend time with you? Are you waiting for them to invite you?
“isolating you” is a powerful phrase, and to me, it shows that it’s intentional. Is there any logical basis to think that they are isolating you? Have they all been hanging out together and purposefully ignoring you or leaving you out?
Have you tried communicating to them directly that you would like to have some more interaction/time with them? Or are you assuming they will know this?
Are you important to yourself? You have to have a sense of worth in your own existence. You’re here with us, and i know for a FACT a lot of people here love and appreciate you, and think you’re wonderful and caring.
You know, and you know what you should be doing. That ALONE is such a major progress, and more than a lot of people have managed to accomplish that awareness. Be gentle with yourself, progress is not always forward. We make mistakes and when we learn from them, that is growth.
What I’m hearing is that you’re still trying to find the path/method/trick to help you cope, for the strategy/means/skill that will ‘click’ with you and make things a bit easier.
We LOVE that you ask us, love that you connect with us, keep asking until we get the answers!!
-It sounds like you need those you care about to show it to you.
I can tell you that A LOT of time my head and heart are filled with loving thoughts towards my friends, and I forget to actually translate that into a context they can actually hear/see. And it goes both ways, we simply feel the love and affection, and then forget to pass it on to the intended target. Not all silence is mean, not all distance is painful.
Overall, you sound like you want a break from being sad and alone, and that is perfectly understandable and human! Can you open up to any of your nearby friends? Ask them out for a fun filled day to distract you?
We like you. I know there are others here you know you better, and have great affection for you. You matter, friend. And we love having you here with us!
Honestly, I love that you keep posting here, even if you think it’s the same thing over and over. You’re helping others by potentially normalizing their experience and seeing that they aren’t alone because they can identify with those same feelings you have.
There are so many days that I feel stuck in a rut, unable to move past where I am, and thinking that if I was to just go poof, no one would notice. That’s lasted hour, days, weeks, months are the worst points. But what helped me was not pushing myself too hard to get out of it, but rather putting that effort into not getting pulled any further into it. If I can just stay in this rut but not dig myself deeper, then I am actually making progress.
It sort of feels to me like that might be where you are. You might have dug a little deeper by going out the other night but it happens. You acknowledged it wasn’t a good decision and that is amazing proof that you’re aware enough to move forward eventually. You’re already a lot farther than some are, farther than I was at one point.
So don’t spin your wheels. Stop, breath, recognize where you are and get your footing. From there you can start your climb back to where you want to be. Slowly turn the music back on, getting back to where you were, so you can move forward.
Hold tight and take care. Bye for now. 