I can’t feel anything. My identity feels down the tubes at the moment. I’m a loser and tired of the everyday nightmare.
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I’ve been here before. I feel like a lot of people have. You are definitely not alone. That numb feeling sucks, but finding just one thing that makes you feel something can make a huge difference. For me it was music. I had to dig really deep and do a lot of self exploration, but it was worth it. You are NOT a loser. The first step is to stop putting yourself down, and that seems to be the most difficult. Here’s some resources I used. I hope they can help you too! Much love! 
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One thing I’ve learned to not feel like absolute garbage about myself is to hold every thought captive. If I notice that I am having negative self talk, I first recognize it, then discard it like the piece of garbage that it is. I’ve gone round and round feeling miserable about what I’ve done in the past and how I should feel terrible about myself and I’m totally done with it. I don’t know if you’ve gotten to that point yet, but I am now so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I refuse to feel that way about myself anymore.
I know that you cannot always help how you feel, but you are definitely not a loser. Don’t let the day to day get you down! There is this quote I heard recently that said something like, “If you’re going through hell, keep going. Don’t stop in hell.” In other words, don’t stop at the point of your pain, but rather keep going until you’re not in pain anymore.
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Dear @Rosethorn I’m so sorry you are feeling this way today. I am so sorry you are tired. Rest your body, rest your mind, and tell yourself that there is hope for tomorrow, hope for a new day. Some days we need to really baby ourselves to get through. But we also can tell ourselves that it won’t always feel so bad. I hope whenever you read this, it is a better moment for you. Please hang in there and know people care.
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I really like that quote. It’s not so much thinking about things I’ve done…more so about being dragged down by others, particularly my dad. He told me I’m trash and I’m not going to be anything. Last year for a moment I lived with him and practiced grant writing. He said I shouldn’t even try because I’m never going to get anything. Every time I see him he starts an argument with me.
I hear his voice all the time in my head. It hurts. I pushed hard to get where I wanted…had multiple jobs to try and move to where I wanted and then covid hit and it just feels like the biggest defeat. I know I got to get back up but it’s taking longer than I expected.
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It definitely seems like your dad’s behavior says more about him and his personal limitations than yours. That old phrase “hurt people hurt people” seems to be appropriate. That’s not an excuse for him though. Whatever he’s got going on in his life definitely shouldn’t be spilling into your life. There’s no excuse to treat your own child like that. I’m sorry you have to go through that. I know it can be hard, but definitely don’t listen to him or take it to heart. You have a future.
Right now because of Covid, we’re all stuck. You didn’t fail, not even close. The entire world got screwed up and now a ton of people are out of work. I remember you saying before that you’re an artist. If you have any free time, you should consider making something. I personally have been working on portraits and honing my realism skills. It makes me feel like I have a purpose and fills my time with something productive.