I work 40 hours a week split between 2 jobs (overnight stocker and construction) I’m currently on new anti depressents, and all they do is make me severely unmotivated and keep me glued to my bed. I’m so unmotivated I can’t even make a call to my doctor to get them changed. So I continue to take them. On top of that, my brother had a heart attack a week ago and I’ve done nothing but continuously think about him and his future, but also what my future has to come. All of this coming together has made me more suicidal than I’ve been in years. Every day I think about how I can’t work a simple job and how I’m never going to make it in the “real world” plus, if I’m gonna die from a heart attack or something in the future, why not just speed up the process and end it now. I feel guilty for leaving work early all the time and my manager even called me out on it tonight. My plans moving forward are to take time off of work completely, and maybe just stop taking meds all together. I can’t handle taking all these different meds every month just for them to not work. There’s a lot of things to live for, I can see that now. But how long will it be before I can’t see that and I end up actually offing myself. I’m scared.
It’s so tough when it feels like life’s just got this way of slamming down on you and keeping you pinned to where it feels like it takes so much effort to just even move that most days it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. And even when you do move you still have this massive weight on top of you that it feels like all day is cutting through molasses, and you’re living in this continuously place of feeling exhausted because truly motion drains you. From feeling like your life is doomed because of your brother’s heart attack to feeling like you’re doomed because all of the meds (the thing most people claim as the failsafe / “help” if you need it) don’t work…it just feels like life’s not working for you, so you feel hopeless.
At the same time, you feel like there’s a lot of reasons to live! Which is a beautiful perspective to hold onto especially when things are hard. Yet you’re afraid you won’t be strong enough to hold onto that forever or consistently…you feel it could just take one low, one slip to fall all the way, and that’s a scary thought.
Sounds like a lot on your chest man…thanks so much for sharing it all here.
hey friend, what you’re going through is really hard. I do recognize you’re hurting, but I also want to point out the good and the fight you have. You took a bold step to reach out and acknowledge you need help and hope. We love you. You’re part of the HS community in a huge way. If there is someone you can either have with you to make it easier to call your doctor, or call for you, it might be time to adjust the meds.
Hey friend! First, I want to tell you that I really appreciate you stepping out and talking about your situation, it’s a major step to even acknowledge you have a problem. You can pull through, one way or the other! You an awesome and appreciated member of the HS community so you know how much you did and that we are here for you, always! Hold fast, you’ll get through this friend!
we love your Friend, we are here for you!
That is something that I know I’ll struggle with when I finally get a job. Graduate school was so hard to stay motivated. I even had two weeks when I didn’t even go to campus. My lab mate had to come check on me, and I needed to talk about it with my advisor. Luckily, we were able to come together for a plan so that I had TA assignments that would require me to come to campus every weekday. I don’t know if there’s something you can arrange with your work that can help you keep the hours that are expected of you, but at believe that you can find a way to make it through! Hold Fast! We care for you!
you are loved, and there are people that care about you.
Hit me up if you want this art.